KAZ

2011-03-20T17:15:00.002Z

Carol - Kaz to you all - died in her sleep early in the morning of Valentine's Day.

Her funeral was attended by about 50 people which, considering she has two living relatives, shows how much people thought of her. It was conducted - according to her instructions - by her friends and was a warm and friendly gathering. The music she had chosen was

(Thanks you for the) Days - The Kinks (entry)

Soave Sea Il Vento - trio from Mozart's opera Cosi Fan Tutte (for silent reflection)

Don't Fear The Reaper - Blue Oyster Cult (exit)

The message she left for me ended with the instruction 'enjoy life', which I am sure she would extend to you all.

Keith

Latest

2010-12-30T17:17:00.006Z

Thanks to all you wonderful bloggers who never give up on me.

Here's a copy of an email I sent out yesterday. Just thought I'd post a copy for all of you.

Dear All

Kev emailed you all in May when it seemed that I had just a little time to live. I'd just come home from MRI and hadn't eaten for weeks. My new GP used the word 'terminal' for the first time to me, and I didn't know he had already told Kev that I had only a month or so left. Looking at the photos from that time I can see why.

However, I started eating again and regained some weight.

It seems that the chemo had destroyed some of the tumour but the illness it also caused has left me unable to walk, so I have been confined to my bed for most of the year.

But I am not well, and not eating again - who knows what is to come.

A belated thank you for all your good wishes and I hope you all have a good new year.

Happy 2011 to all
from KAZ ( now with HAIR)

2010-10-01T17:17:00.000+01:00

Kerrie

Dinah

Dave - hope this helps

MJ
he made it just for you

XL (Hope it isn't still alive)

Ponita & Ziggi - take your choice

View - is it Friday yet?

Steve - which one is you?

Savannah - munchmamma

Sorry if I missed you out. Let me know what you'd like.

pix 4 u

2010-09-22T12:10:00.001+01:00

Pictures 4 U

Typing wears me out, so I'm using some of my picture collection to entertain you. I haven't given any links. You can find them in the blogroll on the right.

This is part 1. Part 2 coming soon.

Arabella (glamour on legs)
Rog (and Mrs Rine) - how lovely
Tony from Hebden Bridge (Polish made in England)

Betty

Geoff - Haute puisine

Kevin - better than Lego any day

Macy -Can we share
NiC - the latest

Roses - you didn't find out, did you?

Vicus - Christmas is soon.Scarlet
KAZ

2010-08-06T13:07:00.000+01:00

I possibly spend more time reading the Radio Times than watching the television. I just like to know what I'm missing.

Alison Graham is one contributor who makes sense - I agree that we can well manage without another series of Heartbeat - I thought it ended years ago.

However she then goes on to compare it with Battenburg - too sweet and soon forgotten.

You can go off people.

So - In the absence of my energy - have fun choosing your favourite cake. Add one of your choice if you wish
Mmmmmmmmmmmmmmmm!

Victoria sponge

Carrot cake

Bakewell Tart

(This is the real thing)

Custard Tart
Custard (vanilla) slice

Chocolate cake
Tunnocks Tea cake
KAZ

Piccadilly Circus

2010-07-10T09:47:00.013+01:00

KAZ's FULLY ILLUSTRATED TWEETS

It seems that a lot of you still don't like Twitter.
So I'm going to tweet right here on the blog again

Tweet 4:

People who visit my home - Kev, Doctors, Carers, District Nurses, Social workers, Macmillan nurses, Physiotherapist, Chiropodist, Do gooders, Anorexic Anne from no 22, Scintillating friends, Sad lads, Jazz fan.

And I'm supposed to be a loner!

Tweet 5:

I support Spain usually instead of Gerard and Rooney.
But I stand to win £100 if Holland win (tenner at 10 to one)
????

Tweet 6:

We live practically next door to Sainsbury's - look what's on BOGOF.
Back the van up Rog!

KAZ

Twitter hates me

2010-07-08T10:01:00.008+01:00

HELP!!!

TWITTER WON'T LET ME TWEET

.. I type in the box, press the tweet button and NOWT..

It's been going on for 3 days. What am I doing wrong?

KAZ

tweets 1 to 3

2010-06-20T10:00:00.002+01:00

KAZ's FULLY ILLUSTRATED TWEETS

I hear that a lot of you don't like Twitter.
So I'm going to tweet right here on the blog today

Tweet 1: I'm exhausted most of the time - but I'll read your blogs asap.

Tweet 2: This afternoon my scintillating friends come to see me. Catering by Kev.

Picture of Scintillating friends

Picture of KAZ

Tweet 3: You can't take it with you (thanks JL and internet)

KAZ

1945 ..... ?????

2010-06-18T15:07:00.001+01:00

KAZ - January 2010.

(KAZ = 0 CANCER = 1 )
Booooo!

You'll never know how much all those comments meant to me - You are so wonderful and I even love a few of you.

I'm too weak to blog but I can manage a Tweet

Bluntly -

Ovarian cancer diagnosed JAN
Chemotherapy went wrong
MRI (emergency ambulance) for a month.
Didn't eat at all for weeks
Now refusing any more treatment.
Still bedridden but now eating so found a bit of energy.

I'll tweet again.

KAZ

2010-04-28T16:16:00.006+01:00

Sorry Folks - and thanks so much for your concern.
As you see, they got me again.
Taking a break.
Love KAZ.

PAXO

2010-03-29T16:30:00.014+01:00

Is it Easter yet?

Looks like it must be - as I've seen lots of chocolate eggs, bunnies, chics and PAXO.

Before my idling days I had to check out the date of Easter as early as Boxing day.
It was essential to plan a holiday to escape the drizzle.

I have spent Easter in Freezing Fuengirola, Hurricane hit Heraklian and there was that Tornado in Torremolinos.

Don't ask about Lanzarote.

But, this Easter, I shall not Be Queuing at B and Q, getting my kicks on the M66 or joining the locals up Rivington Pike.

The venues in the Saturday Guardian '100 Things for Kids to do' will be avoided and the Costas will thrill to Ryanair mobs without me.

Kev and I will share a CD and a pizza - here's one I made earlier.

KAZ

Groovy

2010-03-22T08:12:00.003Z

I woke up on Friday to find a black smudge underneath my eyebrow.
I've asked Kate to model it for me (above).

Probably mascara - I thought - so I scrubbed away with soap and water to no avail until a look in the magnifying mirror confirmed a wrinkle.

Now, for a woman who watched the first episode of Coronation Street, this comes as no surprise. By the time Factor 35 was invented it was too late for me and I always preferred Poyfilla to prevention anyway.

But I thought that wrinkles were caused by facial expression. You know like laughter lines and frown lines. So how did that deep longitudinal groove appear just there?

Would any of these emotions have caused it?

Anyone else remember Five Boys choc?

Done Fadeaway couldn't be on the Five Boys wrapper could she?

Her hands tell the full story.

I remember her as the most beautiful creature on the planet in Bonnie and Clyde?

So - no Botox for KAZ.

But I might try this.
KAZ

You Send me

2010-03-13T15:01:00.001Z

'50 original gems - The Roots of Soul' a double CD from FOPP costing £3 which Kev brought home as a gift for Kaz.

Tight? Kev?

As it was playing, he Googled Sam Cooke.

Then he asked ...

'Kaz .... er .... Had your Sam Cooke got long blonde hair and an impressive chest?'

'Yes to the hair, but her chest was pretty average'.

He showed me the picture which I compared with my snap taken in 2005.

KAZ's photo - click to check it's Sam.

And Yes! It's the same person - before enhancement.

My Sam Cooke was Samantha. She spent three years in my A level Chemistry class. Her brain was spot on, her attitude wasn't.

But I liked her. Even when totally outrageously in the wrong she made me laugh. Even when her lateness was unforgivable we were entertained by her repartee and great outfits.

Sam usually did her prac. with a dopey lad called Dave. No one understood my Sam and Dave 'Hold on I'm coming' jokes.

So my Sam Cooke has done well for herself - Page three girl, cover of NUTZ, FHM, Loaded etc.. She's even talking politics.

Obviously with my immaculate feminist credentials I have difficulty with this.

But hey - Several of my students have done well but they never had their own calendar.

Here's the real thing.

KAZ

PINK

2010-03-08T07:28:00.000Z

Last week I visited the retail paradise that is Crown Point North. Do you remember? It's the one where you can drive your car up, park outside River Island and walk right in. And there's H&M and TK Maxx next door.

But I was in (non food) Tesco trying on blokes' hats which had been slashed in price.

I was trying on one like this .....

.... when I noticed a young woman standing on my left trying to speak into my deaf(ish) ear which was completely covered by the ear flap.

She was showing me a baby pram suit a bit like the one in the picture but with only one teddy.

Gradually I realised to my astonishment that she was asking MY opinion - on baby clothes ??!!

Did I think it looked boyish ?

Thinking that she was worried about her little boy looking a bit soft, I reassured her that it was a neutral colour and would look fine on either a boy or a girl. Looking unconvinced, she showed me inside the pram. It was 100% pink with pink toys, pink pillows and pink bedding. The child was in pink with a pink ribbon in her non existent hair.

'I don't want anyone to think she's a boy' she said anxiously.

The poor young woman has been brainwashed.

This is NEXT in Manchester.

This is Jordan's daughter Princess Tiaamii.

We are going back to the bad old days.

click to big
KAZ

Over to YOU.

2010-02-28T14:03:00.000Z

It is a truth universally acknowledged, that the best part of this blog is the comments box.

And your comments on the previous post were certainly heated, stimulating, provocative .. and funny as well.

So much so that this cool dude suggested "You don't need to blog Kaz ... just have comments"

Excellent idea - so over to you. Say anything you like.

You could comment about commenting - why do you do it and do you enjoy it?

Go on - indulge me.
KAZ

let's Hear it for GORDON

2010-02-22T08:09:00.012Z

Puleeeese .....Will everybody stop being horrible to Gordon

Or GoBo as we now know him.

OK - I know he's been shouting at a few people but that's because he's never been on one of those 'Negotiation Skills' courses like Tony and Dave. And he can't let it out on the Rugger pitch like the old days - when he had two eyes.

So YES - I'm backing Gordon Brown!

He's awkward and difficult to like and has no social or communication skills. But Tony had those in buckets didn't he?

(Thanks to Mr Rabbit for the pic)

So give Gordon a chance. Stop blaming him for Blair's crimes. They all supported the Iraq war apart from Robin - it was a brave person who would take the risk that Saddam had no WMD.

And Gordon did fix up our economy - for a bit.

That nice Mr Cameron will solve our education woes by giving us good teachers with 2.2 honours degrees. Would he really turn away a Physicist with a third*?

I don't think so.

All new mums will get a special maternity nurse in the home for 6 hours a day - she'll probably start shagging the husband who will be desperate for it by this time. Ask Jude Law about it.

Oh and David's in favour of overturning the fox-hunting ban which 'made him furious'.

Gordon is so pathetically gauche he can't do it the smarmy Blairy way.

OK - he may be a lost cause - but let's give him a bit of support.

Or else the pup gets it ... and so do WE!
KAZ

P.S. There's a letter in yesterday's paper that says it so much better.

zzz.............

2010-02-19T08:11:00.001Z

When they did that thing in hospital I only had two little pricks before they inserted a tube into my abdomen.

But not hurting is not the same as not hearing.

Phrases like - 'Jimmy usually does it like this - or I sometimes put a stitch here - what do you think?' are not reassuring.

Then there's 'Have we run out of rubber gloves again/ where's that no9 scalpel we used last week - or can you get me that allen key we used for the Billy bookcase?'

All stuff I don't want to hear.

When Lady Penelope's Ron had his bypass surgery (she was a bit pissed off about this because she'd just discovered he was having a torrid affair and had to stop being horrible to him) we just saw it as fair punishment. But I digress - apparently they did the thing through a tube inserted into the groin (ouch) area.

During his preparation when he was obviously feeling terrified the theatre staff were all discussing boyfriends and holidays until the surgeon showed up when respect and hush descended.

Z seemed to be OK with her wide awake op - she had a choice of music.

Poor Ziggi had the full knock out but was allergic to the anaesthetic which had alarming consequences.

Next time KaZ will take her ipod with earphones.
(Ed - what next time??)

KAZ

Sexual Chemistry

2010-02-14T10:31:00.002Z

So the chemistry achievements of the commenters range from total failure to a magnificent CSE grade 3. I suspect a few of you may have been a tad modest.

But I wonder how you'd score on Sexual Chemistry?

Vivien and Gerald had it in buckets (see above).
Probably this Gerald as well.

If there was nothing going on in the test tube my students wrote NVR for their observation. It means No Visible Reaction.

The exquisite Audrey Hepburn had NVR with Whatsisname in 'Breakfast at Tiffany's'. I watched it on DVD last week.

So who has sexual chemistry?

Perhaps these Synchronised smokers:

He probably only sees her for the photo op these days:

Richard Burton and Liz without a doubt.

But what about Liz and this other thin friend?

Maybe?

But undoubtedly the most Effervescent, Exothermic, Explosive couple ever on the large or the small screen had to be Mike and Alma:

Dontcha still miss them?
KAZ

The Elements

2010-02-11T08:04:00.002Z

I hope you're all watching that "Chemistry: A Volatile History" series on BBC 4.

*No - neither am I*

After trying 5 minutes of 'The Periodic Table' episode (because The Periodic Table is brilliant) I gave up. It was excruciatingly tedious.

The one above (which hangs on my wall) was a perfect present for a vegetarian chemist. I think View would like this one.

So I know you'll be waiting for me to give you an interesting lesson about The Periodic Table.

*thinks about it for a few seconds*

Well this is the best periodic table site - just click on an element for info.

And Tom Lehrer's song tells all.

Sorry NiC - but Lauren brings back some memories in this one.

There now - that wasn't too bad was it?
KAZ

Back to the Future

2010-02-07T14:26:00.000Z

Nostalgia was invented in the late sixties when we discovered William Morris, aspidistras, purple velvet and sideburns. Knotty pine was to follow.

You had to go back to the future.

When I was a kid everyone tried to predict what life would be like in 'The future'.
Nobody bothers now as they know we'll all rot in hell.

This wasn't science fiction it was based on science and I really believed it would all happen.

Anyone remember The Jetsons?

Cities would be covered by a transparent roof which would protect us from the rain (good for Manchester). We would travel in the air by some sort of helicopter or aerial road system and metallic robots would do all our boring tasks. Our clothes would be polyester self cleaning one piece catsuits and we would get all our nourishment from a pill. Jamie, Delia, Nigella and Gordon remained unpredicted.

No one was ever hard up, riding a bike or scruffy. The goldfish bowl on the head seemed to be the prevailing fashion.

(Patti Boyd on the right??)

This was to protect the air hostess's (sic) hairdo.

The top pic (click to read) is fascinating, though I don't think the 'phono vision receiver' is a laptop with internet.

But one thing doesn't change.
Note that the women are shopping, cooking or discussing fashion with a pal.
KAZ

Custard

2010-01-31T14:06:00.000Z

How to make trifle by KAZ's mum.

Take a pack of those trifle sponges that taste and feel like expanded polystyrene, slice in middle and make sandwiches with lashings of raspberry jam.

Place in bottom of large valuable bowl that just appeared one day from nowhere and add nearly half a bottle of Harvey's Bristol Cream bought from the woman at no12 for £1 - no questions asked.

Add very very deep layer of custard - must be Birds.

Add very very deep layer of whipped double cream.

Do not under any circumstances add jelly or fruit.

Never sprinkle hundreds and thousands or chocolate buttons on top.

***************************

It was orgasmic - and it started a lifelong passion for custard which was reactivated in hospital last week.

I even loved school dinner custard which was watery and beige and poured in copious volumes from grey metal jugs onto Rainbow Sponge, Manchester Tart and Spotted Dick.

For the more sophisticated there is Crème Caramel or 'flan' as they call it in Europe.

My present favourite is Crema Catalana

Perfect to round off a feast of Paella and Calamares.

So - what's your comfort food of choice?

KAZ

They Finally Got Me

2010-01-25T09:40:00.003Z

Remember I said that I would top myself rather than go into hospital.

Well they said it would only be one night and it wasn't MRI. So rational thought persuaded me to accept the bed.

They phoned on Monday night and I turned up promptly on Tuesday at 9am to be taken to bed 20. It wasn't on the long ward - it was in a double room where I was tucked into the corner with a nice view of the wheelie bins.

I've had much worse hotel rooms.

My room mate woke up and asked for the TV to be switched on. I sat through about 3 hours of Molly telling Tyrone that he couldn't cut the mustard.

Emma then fell asleep hugging the remote while the rest of ITV2's morning fare and its excruciating adverts blared forth.

I finished all 320 pages of this before tea time.

In the evening Emma left and Yvonne arrived. Later she told me about seeing Muddy Waters at The Twisted Wheel in her Mary Quant style dress. We negotiated on telly.

With the remote control bed and toast and marmalade(Duerrs) for breakfast I managed to survive.

Kev came to visit in the afternoons. To avoid two hours of moaning about hospital parking and premiership referees I told him to bring the crossword. So we didn't have one :)

But one night???
They lied.

My blood was too thin to do the 'procedure' so I had to wait for it to get thicker. By Friday I was so thick I could hardly find the initiative to clean my teeth.

My release came on Saturday evening after 5 days of idling in captivity.

By this time I was 100% institutionalised.

No need for hugs just yet - I'll tell you if I need any when I know more.
KAZ

Lateral Thinking

2010-01-18T08:15:00.000Z

Remiss is not a strong enough word.

I am negligent and neglectful in my responsibilities as a dutiful blogger.

After telling you there had been changes to my living arrangements, I forgot to report back.

Well fear not - cohabitation is still not on the agenda.

But the previous arrangement has gone forever.

I've moved upwards and forwards.

My damp, sunless, ground floor quarters have been swapped for a sunny upstairs matchbox.

If I had a cat it would remain unswung.

View in summer....

and in winter... yes it's noisy.

Unlike the downstairs flat this one has a cooker - and look what I found inside.

Kev's front door is 3 strides away. I'm at the front and he's at the back.

The shared wireless router and telephone don't work any more (thin ceilings/thick walls?)

We still prefer to speak on the phone or Skype and get together on the same schedule as before.

But it's better. It doesn't have that upstairs superior - downstairs inferior vibe.

I'm elevated and equal.

It's a vast improvement.
KAZ

Passwords

2010-01-13T14:29:00.002Z

After an insane phone conversation with Debbie who obviously came from Barry Island and insisted that my insurance premium would go up by £40 because I now kept the 'onda in a secure locked garage, I needed to get some sense from their website.

So I had to register.

After all the usual details they asked me for a password. This used to be simple. I always used a six letter, made up word that was a total secret.

A few years ago that ceased to be enough - it had to be more than 6 letters
Then they wanted letters and numbers.
The AA needed letters and numbers including some CAPITAL letters.

There's no chance of remembering all these new passwords so you have to write them down which defeats the purpose. But there's always the 'have you forgotten your password' link. You sometimes have to answer a security question which is usually your mother's maiden name.

This always makes me chuckle.

As you know I am an now an urban urbane sophisticate - but I lived in a small village until I was 18. Everyone knew everyone else and most people (e.g. my mum) had been born, raised, educated and married there. So every woman was still called by their maiden name until the day she died.

It was the married name that was impossible to remember.

I recall coming home from Annie 'ardman's local toffee shop and asking 'Mum is Annie 'ardman related to Ron Snape? They're always in there together'. Yes they've been married for 30 years she replied followed by one of her regular elocution lessons.

I couldn't wait to leave my suffocating village, but I think this was an excellent custom.
Keep your own name and only use the married one for formal or legal stuff.
KAZ

Tiny Tits.

2010-01-07T16:17:00.003Z

It's bloody cold isn't it?

Do you ever wonder how any of the tiny tits survive? Do they ever feel envious of the larger members of the species?

This one is all tail. Without its tail - the long tailed tit would be Britain's smallest bird.

Our smallest bird (it weighs the same as a 20p piece) is one of my favourites. The beautiful goldcrest.

I remember reading that in cold weather the tiny birds all huddle together for warmth - roosting in groups can save up to 70% of their energy .

What an excellent idea. Grown men often do it in the middle of summer.

Now some of you don't get a heating allowance and thermals aren't always enough.

[click to enlarge]

So let's all get on Twitter (teehee) and arrange a mass huddle. We'll all meet up in East Angular because 97%of bloggers already live there.

What a wonderful way to reduce our carbon footprint.

KAZ

Swedish Angst.

2010-01-04T09:31:00.001Z

I bet you thought that all Swedes were slim, blonde and beautiful - like Ulrika was before she met Sven.

So did I.

But then I became addicted to Wallander - Swedish style.

(Not the Kenneth Branagh version - I can't stand a clever dick. )

There are no blondes, there is some chubbiness in evidence and they have British teeth. Everyone says skål a lot as they share a drink on their Ektorp sofas.

It's probably much like Taggart but the Swedish settings and subtitles give it the feel of Bergman at his best. The gloom and angst will give you reasons to be cheerful however depressed you may be feeling.

(BTW do all front doors open outwards in Sweden? Doorstepping can be very dangerous unless you stand well back.)

However the enigmatic, troubled Stefan is beautiful.

Unfortunately, he decided to top himself at the end of the series. Unbelievably, Linda (the female cop) did the same thing in real life shortly after the series ended.

What is it with these Scandinavians eh?

But Stefan reminded me of someone and this was driving me nuts. Finally I had it - it was Terry Jones.

OK - I know he isn't beautiful but there's a certain je ne sais quoi. Perhaps it's the wonky grin or the piercing black eyes.

When looking for a Terry Jones pic I found this website. What a brilliant idea.

Hope this post has cheered you up a bit if it's your first day back.
KAZ

Cheers

2009-12-31T13:13:00.000Z

****HAPPY NEW YEAR****

to you all.

Thanks for visiting KAZ throughout the year....
... and making the comments box the best part of the blog.

*****

Hope you get lots of affection next year ....

.. and may all your hangovers be little ones.

(Pictures stolen from here)

Love
KAZ
XXX

Stupid J Person

2009-12-30T08:18:00.001Z

I shall not be making any New Year's resolutions .

Instead, I shall be making two resolutions for SJP.

They are ..

1: Stop saying STUPID things
2: Stop wearing STUPID things

SJP was the star of Sex in the City - I saw one episode. She has been in a few films - most of them called things like 'More Sex in the City' or ... 'Meaningless Mirthless Romcom' with Hugh Grant playing Hugh Grant .

So Sarah ....

NO 1 RESOLUTION:

* Stop saying STUPID things.

Sarah confided recently to GRAZIA magazine that she's finding it tough being a working mother. Sarah and hubby Mathew Broderick have a seven year old son and baby twin daughters born in June 2009.

Four weeks after the birth SJP started filming 'Sex in the City' (sequel) in New York often not getting home until 4am. Immediately after this she flew half way round the globe to film in Morocco. During all this she made visits to London and other cities to promote her new fillum'

"It's horrible being separated from my children" said Sarah - "but I just don't have a choice".

Don't have a CHOICE?!"??#*!!?!

Well actually Sarah - you do.

You could:
(a) not have babies
or
(b) take a career break and spend some of the earnings from your range of perfumes ...

...with appropriate advertising pictures

I haven't been a hardline, diehard, unpopular, card carrying feminist for 40 years so that you could just piss off and do exactly as you like, earn a massive fortune and then get paid more money to moan about it.

Do it if you must - then SHUT UP.

Oh and talking of CHOICE. These unfortunate brats (the twins) were the children of a surrogate mum.

*??CHOICE??*

NO 2 RESOLUTION:

* Stop wearing STUPID things.

You may remember this monstrosity.
There are many more
KAZ

Present tense

2009-12-26T16:12:00.004Z

Kev and I had already sorted our pre planned, non surprise, sensible presents.

Mine was a minor consumer durable - cheap but flashy.
His was a padded parka from TK Max.

After yesterday's food, drink and festivities we approached the opening of our surprise presents with frenzied excitement....I should know better.

Why does experience never triumph over hope?

Present no1: How chic!!

They will certainly be relegated now.

no2: Everton Diary.
N.B. You may recall that Everton is the favourite team of my head not of my heart.

no3: Book on Beatles with every thought they had about every track they ever recorded and every chord they played. OK everyone of my age likes the Beatles but I drifted away.
Guess who's still a big fan.

no4: Book of politician quotes such as:

Tony Blair in1997 - "One reason I changed the Labour Party is so that we can remain true to our principles."

Her Majesty the Queen in St Petersburg 1994 - "Manchester is not such a nice place."

And my favourite ... Cyril Smith in 1985 discussing immigrants. - "I had sixteen of them for lunch at the House of Commons."

Here's that picture for the third time.
Did you get some good ones?
KAZ

In the MOOD

2009-12-22T08:15:00.008Z

OK - I'm in the mood now - a bit.

It must be the poinsettia which cost me two quid from Tesco .

So - what shall we choose for this year's Christmas song?

Noddy went down well in 2007 .

But last year you were very rude about Mud, except for NiC who is a chap with immaculate taste.

So - what about Elton?

He's a very fair minded chap, after all he's been married to both a man and a woman. And he could rock with the best of them when he wasn't Candling in the Wind.

So here we go* ...

.. A very happy holiday to you all ..
from KAZ.

(Next year - David Essex).
*Video has stopped playing - it was violated by zIggI.

Aversion Therapy.

2009-12-18T07:02:00.007Z

I must be one of the few people to lose weight over Christmas.

Those pictures of the rich Festive Fayre are not for me.

Photographs of "Taste the Difference assorted mince pies, duck liver pâté with pork sandwiched between two layers of pork pâté de campagne, Camembert and cranberry pastry parcels, Ecclefechan tarts, roast potatoes in goose fat, red cabbage with blueberries and balsamic vinegar, La truffe graisse dole and Norfolk Black turkey" in Sainsbury's festive food booklet just make me long for a nice piece of toast.

So I thought looking at these retro food adverts might have the same effect on you.
You'll thank me when you climb on the scales on New Year's day.
[click for extra aversion]

This is Salad??? It looks like we should serve it with blancmange - does blancmange still exist?

Is this better?

Velveeta ? This looks like the contents of an angler's tin on the canal bank. It's alive.

Do you like peas?

You could always use a tin of Pedigree chum or Whiskas for this one.

IKEA meatballs are served with chips, but BOY-AR-DEE meatballs are accompanied by 2 cubic litres of mash potato.

I always put the weight back on in January - comfort eating pizza and vanilla slices.
KAZ

KAZ's Top Ten

2009-12-14T07:41:00.003Z

At this time of year lazy journalists are inclined to reduce the entire welter of human experience into endless top tens. Or so said Marina Hyde last Saturday.

So why should lazy bloggers be any different?

Top Ten people of 2009 .... by KAZ
**************************************

Gordon Brown .... for not giving up

Morrissey .... for not giving up

Michelle Obama - still dignified - but it's about time you showed us how smart you are.

Kate Moss - still bad and beautiful at 35.

Tim Howard - goalkeeper for Everton and USA. He saved a last minute penalty from Jermain Defoe (Spurs) last week and (with a little help from the team) held the mighty Chelsea to a draw this Saturday.

Duncan Jones - for ditching daddy's famous name and being successful in his own right. We still love dad as well.

Russell Tovey - centre below. He's the History Boy who made us love werewolves.

The Arsène Wenger look-alike who stacks the wine shelves in Tesco. A pity he can't pronounce Côtes du Rhône but he's lovely anyway.

Danny Boyle and his dad for bringing fame to Radcliffe.

Don Draper - we want a new series please.

Please feel free to disagree with - or add to - my list.
KAZ

Introvert or Extrovert?

2009-12-08T07:21:00.001Z

The BBC schedules are dominated by Alan Bennett at the moment.
I love Alan - but you can have too much of a good thing.

Apparently, he is a deeply shy man who has always had a desire to entertain. Surprisingly this is a paradox found in many performers.

Take Dave for instance - too shy to go to the gardeners' club but jumps willingly into the pulpit every Sunday and knocks 'em for six.

I'm a bit similar - often tongue tied in social situations but a shameless show off in the lab/classroom in front of a receptive audience. And you should have seen me in the staff panto.

I would describe myself as an introvert.

An introvert is not necessarily shy, or misanthropic. Introverts just find other people tiring except in small doses. They would rather shell peas than make small talk.

An introvert would not do well on 'I'm a Celebrity' or 'Big Bother'

In complete contrast, extroverts are energized by people, and wilt when alone.

Leave an extrovert alone for two minutes and s/he will reach for the mobile. They assume that company is always a good thing and refuse to believe that someone would want or even need to be alone.

I read about it here.

Introverts are not considered "naturals" in politics. Contrast Richard Nixon with Bill Clinton and Gordon Brown with Tony Blair.

Modern attitudes say "people person" = good, but "loner" = serial killer.

So extroverts dominate social and public life.

What about you?
And would you change?
KAZ

Ripping Yarns

2009-12-05T13:44:00.001Z

I don't read things carefully enough and often get the wrong end of the stick.
But in the latest Radio Times it said 'Sahara with Michael Palin'.

My heart missed a beat. Surely not.

Oh No - I can't even bear to think of it.
KAZ

Location Location Location

2009-12-01T13:20:00.004Z

Gerald Gee typed his address into Google IMAGES and got this nice surprise.

So I gave it a go - but I didn't so do well.

First I tried the house where Kev and I enjoyed 8 years of uninterrupted, blissful cohabitation during the eighties.

FIRST picture on the list is shown above ....
...and this was the second.

So then I tried my previous house. I typed in Westbourne Grove Manchester and this was FIRST.

And this:

So I typed Manchester, Westbourne Grove - same thing. Why is Google so metropolis centred?

But when I tried ordinary (not images) Google, I discovered that the house (or one very similar) is up for sale for an obscene sum of money. I wasn't too bothered - I refuse to see a home as an investment opportunity. I moved when I moved because I wanted to move. I never regretted it.

Finally, I tried my old house in Cheadle Hulme. The Jazz fan and I moved here by mistake thinking we were on the doorstep of the city. I had moved straight from student flat to an aspirational suburb and hated it.

Here's the FIRST pic. Shabby chic?

But no 1 pic for my childhood home looks rather idyllic and Enid Blyton.

(N.B. That's the lock keeper's cottage - I lived up t'road.)

I actually remember when those barges carried coal. It wasn't until a few years ago that the area had a facelift and became the destination for Sunday trippers and narrowboat holiday makers.

I might make a sentimental journey - but probably not.
KAZ

Your worst job?

2009-11-24T21:35:00.001Z

So - what's the worst job you ever had?

Mine was packing Bassett's Liquorice Allsorts in their Sheffield factory.

I had to sit on an uncomfortable seat with a box of Bertie Bassett's finest in front of me. All the packers sat in a line facing the back of the slave in front - so no conferring. We weighed out the allsorts, added one of these .......

......... (or two for the M&S bags) and tipped them all into a box on the conveyor belt.

Oh and we could eat as many as we liked.

A doddle I thought.

I was wrong. When the buzzer sounded our release I had a bad back, bleeding fingers (round the nails) and felt sick and bloated after overdosing on liquorice.

I didn't last the week.

The idiot who wrote this book (obviously I haven't read it) must think all jobs are fulfilling and life enhancing.

This could be my gran in t'mill.

Perhaps you've never had a job like these.

But - what's the worst job YOU ever had?
KAZ

Trainers

2009-11-18T07:20:00.004Z

click to big

I really love Victoria station.

You can still imagine the hordes of excited mill workers starting off at the beginning of Wakes week for holidays in Blackpool or Morecambe.

But I wasn't really surprised yesterday that Manchester Victoria was named the worst station in the UK.

(BTW - where was everyone when I took the photo last year? It's usually very busy.)

The Ladies is still beautiful and there is sometimes one that's in working order.

I hope they don't ruin everything with the makeover.

Last week I travelled from Victoria to Stalybridge. It was the train that comes to rest on the buffers of Stalybridge station eschewing the marvels of Mossley and the glories of Greenfield.

Two lads sat opposite. They had been doing a bit of shopping. The skinnier one had a posh, shiny yellow Selfridge's carrier bag. The other had shopped at Primark (not posh).

The skinny one couldn't wait to open his lovely bag.

I was all agog.

Out came a box and, out of that, emerged some trainers like this.

He looked proudly at the receipt and showed it to his cheapo Primark mate.

I gave him a smile.

I was so glad I hadn't worn my latest trainers which are identical - he would have been completely mortified.
KAZ

Wait your Turn!

2009-11-15T17:33:00.005Z

My female colleagues and I were in that pub on Ardwick Green having an animated chat while eating our sandwich and chips. A bloke walks past, stops in amazement, and says 'You're all talking at once ...... but you're listening as well".

Well now it's official.

Brain scans have recognised and explained it and I read about it in Stylist Magazine given free with the Manchester Evening News.

Men are unable to talk and listen at the same time.

You have to let them finish before you speak - unless you fall asleep before it's your turn. And it's also not always a lie when a bloke say "Nothing" in response to the dreaded question "What are you thinking about darling?"

Research on the male brain shows that they can turn it off completely.

They often turn it off during an argument.

So what have we learned today readers?

There is no future to the male - female relationship unless you have excellent sex and a good telly.

Or is this a pessimistic view?
KAZ

It's coming around again

2009-11-10T10:29:00.001Z

Do you recognise the bloke in the picture?
He was our toff Prime Minister for a couple of years in the early 60s. We were used to toffs in those days.

Here's a list of British Prime ministers so you can see what I've had to put up with during my life.

I came from a left wing family and my dad was a keen member of leftie associations and book clubs. My dad would read and my mum would rant.

So it's very odd that I was devoted to my Royal Family scrap book. No I don't understand it either - just one of those things that we didn't question.

Harold Wilson 'released' us from the Toff Tories, then Uncle Jim Callaghan lost to Thatcher. Thatcher, Heath, Major etc. were a different type of (state educated) Tory and possibly worse. You know what I think of Blair & co. but they did make some valuable social changes.

But, reading this article and Geoff's post at the weekend made me realise that (in the words of Carly Simon)

I know nothing stays the same
But if you're willing to play the game
It's coming around again
So don't mind if I fall apart
There's more room in my broken heart

KAZ

What not to wear.

2009-11-06T10:26:00.002Z

This notice has appeared on the pub in Rassbottom Street.

I presume these rules apply to men. Surely they wouldn't mind women in work wear.

But I'd like to add a few to the list - these are mainly for the women.

NO Orange tans

NO Black tights with white shoes.
NO Leggings with short tops - unless you have one of these.

NO Sequinned boob tubes with micro minis, black killeer heels and bare legs. (Come on girls - You know you'll be rat-arsed before chucking out time)

NO Full hijab. Not a good outfit for beer drinking and the pub needs to make a profit.

NO SJP

Click to see the full horrendousness.

KAZ

The Corncrake

2009-11-03T07:05:00.003Z

I promised I'd tell you about Friend A. You remember - the one with two cups of tea to drink.

It was Sunday evening a few weeks ago - I was relaxing on the squashy sofa with a preprandial Sauvignon.

Phone rings - friend A speaks "I'm so angry I have to talk to someone - can you spare a few minutes?"

Kaz (impressed by A’s improvement in social skills) says 'yes' and tries desperately to remember the half day course in counselling skills she took in 1996.

A very long conversation followed. Later, I ate my dinner with the smug air of a good Samaritan.

The e mail arrived the following morning.

'A real friend wouldn't say some of the things you said yesterday .... You said you didn't want me to be upset - I wasn't upset I WAS ANGRY!!!! '

It continued..……. on .. and on ...

***Now I don't know much.***

But If I sat in this chair I would have to choose British Birds as my special subject.

Next day’s e mail said ‘You implied that wasn’t a corncrake I spotted, surely you know me well enough by now to know that I would know.’

Trust me on this one. The corncrake doesn't live in the north of England and if it did (as the name suggests) it would be unlikely to be in A's back yard

Tonight I go out with my other pals - the ones with scintillating social skills - for a very late birthday celebration .

I just hope they don't give up on me - I haven’t got many friends left.
KAZ

English

2009-10-28T08:27:00.001Z

It's so good to be home - sometimes I feel proud to be English.

But I can't always remember why.

However, a chance hit on a blog written by a Catalan student reminded me.

Adrià had been enjoying a visit to London. Had he been excited by our eclectic style, the most celebrated popular music in the universe, Buckingham Palace or Tate Modern?

OH NO!

He was euphoric about The Full English Breakfast. Previously, he had only drooled over photographs....he writes.....

'It’s a thousand times better when you see it, when you smell it and when you sample it.'

OH YES!

I may not have eaten anything that looked over a fence since 1979, but I'll never forget the delights of bacon, egg, sausage, beans, black pudding, fried bread ....... (sighs longingly)

The fry up can provide 1000 calories or more.

On the same day I discovered that Britain can now boast The World's Fattest Man.

Paul Mason weighs in at 70 stone (980 lbs). To put that into context, Cyril Smith (ex Rochdale MP) at his heaviest weighed a mere 29 stone 12 pounds.

I think I'll stick with the usual.
KAZ

Coming Home?

2009-10-22T07:21:00.000+01:00

'Kev'... says I ... 'Do you think anyone would notice if we didn't go home?'

I do wonder.

e mail keeps me in touch with Lady Penelope, Norma (in India with her sikh) and Jan.

I hd a cpl of txts on my bthdy

I'll tell you about Friend A (not good) in a future post.

I hope someone has sorted out Eileen with digital TV and electric light. She knows where I am but has probably forgotten (I worry about her).

My bills are all settled by direct debit. People in the flats are used to our absence and the cousin in Marple won't be too astounded that I forgot his birthday.

I don't know about Kev - but I hear they have a new act at the folk club.

Sometimes I think YOU are the only ones who would notice if I just disappeared.

***********

Wasn't Penelope Cruz marvellous in that film?

So - Seeya in Manchester on Monday evening.
KAZ

Teach yourself

2009-10-18T17:41:00.003+01:00

I'm seeing a lot of this flag about. It supports Independence for Catalunya.

They are obviously on the path to World Domination - so it's about time you learned the language. I pick up most of it from looking at signs.

You remember what germans means.
You've seen this one already:

Don't forget the dot in the middle of the double L (below). It's compulsory.
click pic to see the dot. Do they sell HobNobs here?

Ous Ferrat anyone?

ous =egg
x = sh or ch as in xampú and xocolata

Watch your cotxes

Sorry Oz and Lily.

Is this any better?

It isn't vinegar - but at that price it might taste the same?

Use of Catalan vocabulary in comments box will be welcome - but not essential.
KAZ

Damn Statistics!

2009-10-15T08:17:00.002+01:00

The dreaded Tramuntana is back.

Photo from Kaz's window - Tramuntana cloud

So I spent Tuesday afternoon netloafing (terminology via Rog).
This caught my eye:

'Chemistry is the easiest subject at GCSE (with Physics a close second) and Media Studies is the most difficult. The pass rate data proves it.'

Surely this is bollocks - but WHY?

Most school students don't do Chemistry GCSE - they do GCSE Science (a mixture). Students who take Chemistry as a separate subject usually go to independent schools and are cherry picked. Hence the fabulous success rate.

This means most students from comprehensive schools have a lot of catching up to do when they start A level Chemistry at college.

GCSE Chemistry is rubbish now. It's all mole calculations, bonding, melting points, blast furnace, rocks, crude oil, solubility, recycling - all writing and learning.

Students are lucky if they see a test tube (with pretty colours, fizzing and smelly gases) once a term.

Health and Safety and lack of funding are to blame for this.

They'd get more fun in the kitchen.

This is what it should be like :

KAZ

Wimp

2009-10-11T11:00:00.001+01:00

NOTE UPDATE in Comments.

I am a wimp, a drip, a wuss, a scaredy cat and a coward.

We can't find any birds in our usual habitats, so my unelected team leader (the one with the map reading skills) decided we should hike out into unknown parts.

This involved walking across a ............ rickety bridge ........ it wasn't traditionally scary like those on 'Indiana Jones' or 'I'm a Celebrity'.

It bore no resemblance to these either.

It was well built. But - there were gaps between the planks, it was high above a very wide, deep river and it squeaked alarmingly every time you put your foot down. But, I realised I was being pathetic as I saw women with big bottoms ride cheerfully past me on their bicycles.

I made it to the other side whereupon I hyperventilated, collapsed in an untidy heap and declared I could not go back.

So Vasco de Gama consulted his map and planned our return via route B.

This passed through a rather posh camp site where red breasted Nederlanders were reclining in various states of deshabille.

We got some suspicious looks as we trudged past with our boots and bins.

And I don't think this helped.

Then through the sewage works where my complaint was a bit of an advantage.

Later we faced a deep wide puddle. So we carried logs from a nearby field and built our own bridge. Just like 'The Famous Five'.

This was immensely enjoyable and made me long for "lashings of ginger beer".

So we rushed back to bar Platja in plenty of time to get pixelated.

KAZ

Figs

2009-10-06T07:42:00.001+01:00

Yesterday I learned to love a fig.

What a sweet, luscious, juicy fruit it is.

Unfortunately, I over indulged and there are side effects - but it was worth it.

I recalled that D.H. Lawrence (Dirty Herbert to his friends) wrote a poem about figs.

I think he also wrote one about a banana - but I can't find it.

The last fruit I learned to love was a Kiwi but I'm bored with those.

I could never take to a mango.

I wonder what's next.

KAZ

meme

2009-10-02T16:12:00.003+01:00

Here's that meme for Ms Roses.

1) My mother once: married my father
2) Never in my life: have I or would I vote Tory
3) When I was five: I sat on Muffin the Mule
4) High school was a: wonderful opportunity to misbehave
5) I will never forget: meeting Kev backstage at the staff panto.
6) I once met: Jason Orange (in my lab).
7) There's this person I know who: likes me (a bit)
8) Once, at a bar: I drank a low calorie tonic water
9) By noon I'm usually: Out
10) Last night I: watched Jethro (NCIS) in Catalan
11) If only I had: Talent.
12) Next time I go to church/temple: will probably be for a funeral (not mine)
13) Terri Schiavo: is someone I googled.
14) I like: Toast and Marmalade
15) When I turn my head left, I see: The Catalan Plumbers.
16) When I turn my head right, I see: Kev watching Everton play live in Mensk on an Iraqi website*.
17) You know I'm lying when: I give too much detail
18) In junior school: I discovered boys
19) If I was a character written by Shakespeare: I would be a spear carrier
20) By this time next year I: will be a year older
21) A better name for me would be:. Dave ... or BBC 2
22) I have a hard time understanding that Rog isn't really a dog..
23) If I ever go back to school, I'll: be a cleaner
24) You know I like you if: I relax
25) If I won an award, the first person I'd thank would be: Geoff - who keeps me cheerful.
26) I hope that: Vicus stays angry
27) Take my advice: Don't visit MJ on a Friday
28) My ideal breakfast is: see no 14
29) A song I love but do not have is: Womack and Womack (Teardrops)
30) If you visit my home town, I suggest: You go on t' Flat Iron
31) Tulips, character flaws, microchips and track stars: ?? Where did you get this meme??
32) Why won't anyone: find big, rich, hunky blokes for Scarlet and Roses (only if they want them of course)
33) If you spend the night at my house: you'd have to: bring your own sandwiches
34) I'd stop my wedding: before it started
35) The world could do without: David Cameron.
36) I'd rather lick the belly of a roach than: vote Tory
37) My favourite thing is: See no14.
38) Paper clips are more useful than: a stapler with no staples.
39) And by the way: Did you know that NiC was my first?
40) The last time I was (really) drunk: the day before I learned self control
41) My grandmother always: went to Blackpool for her hols.

*Last night - we won!

KAZ

Green Garbage

2009-10-01T07:37:00.003+01:00

How many new tee shirts do you buy each year?

According to an article I read yesterday on the back of a completed (not by me) sudoku (medium difficulty) it should be four whereas the average is seven. Oh and they should be made from polyester (ugh) or some man made (sic) fibre rather than wool or cotton.

Those wicked natural fibres have a higher green house gas footprint of more than 20 times their weight.

Which dickhead works out this stuff - can we see your data and check your calculations please?

And it’s a good thing you aren’t taking GCSE Chemistry Mr Clever Dick because answers to questions about synthetic v natural fibres must use the terms ‘non biodegradable’ and ‘non renewable’ materials e.g. oil (2 marks).

And if you were in my class you wouldn’t be able to say ‘man made’ because sexist language was not allowed.

Whilst wearing your sweaty polyester tee shirt which you haven’t washed because you only have 3 others and using the washing machine uses too much water and energy you may be tempted to read the daily paper.

Guess what - the Guardian says that’s OK because they print on the recycled stuff.

Surprisingly - they didn’t suggest reading it on line.
KAZ

German germans.

2009-09-27T14:49:00.000+01:00

In Catalan the word GERMAN means BROTHER.

Hortz and Willy live in Catalunya - So they are German germans.

Before I proceed, let me make it absolutely clear that Hortz and Willy are a couple of spiffing chaps with an excellent sense of humour. Not that I understand much of what they say - but I always laugh heartily just in case.

So I hope that's clear - because I once wrote about the game of naked leap frog as enjoyed by some German city dwellers during lunch hours in the park. My lack of appreciation for this German activity prompted a complaint from a regular reader and so I deleted the post.

Last week I read that nude Germans are to have their own hiking track. The Swiss may have banned them but they can still lurk behind the bushes on quiet beaches in Spain.

British birders in search of a long toed stint or a penduline tit may get quite a shock.

I mean it's so embarrasing - you just don't know where to look do you?

And YES - they are naked - I checked through the binoculars.
KAZ

Old Fokkers

2009-09-24T07:34:00.003+01:00

Ever since the day he arrived back in Manchester and his bag stayed 'abroad' Kev has refused to submit his luggage to the conveyor belt. This loss occurred years ago and, when the airline rep was asking about his address and the contents of his shabby valise, he mentioned 'Designer labels'.

'Oh - which ones sir?' she asked
'Well there's Wrangler' replied Kev.

Thank God this was in the days before Primark.

So the anticipation of potential disappointment as he waits at the carousel is too much for him to bear.

Before our recent trip to Paris with Flybe, he was concerned to note that his ~~weapon~~ bag on wheels might be too big. He was told that there wasn't much room on the plane because it had propellers. Now that didn't sound too promising - it put me in mind of The Red Baron's Fokker.

Here's our plane - it got us there (and back unfortunately) quite safely.

Early last Thursday morning we flew to Barcelona by jet (I know I know!).

Kev was uncommonly nervous when passing through check in. I was cucumber cool with my perfectly packed back pack.

As usual I pretended not to know him as he harumphed, perspired and made inappropriate observations.

When finished, he was replacing his belt and the customs guy said "The bar's that way sir!"

Oh dear.
Is it so obvious?
KAZ

RKive.

2009-09-22T06:59:00.002+01:00

My mum was an Air Raid Warden during the war. Not that we ever had an air raid in our village .... that link wasn't very helpful was it? However, she got a lovely uniform, and a rubbery gas mask and this box which was for storing valuables.

I hasten to remind you that this was long before I was born. But my parents always stored passports, driving licences and important documents in the box.

And I still do.

Last week I was searching for something or other and - in between the birth, death, marriage and divorce certificates - I found this.

I'm sure that (through the medium of this blog) my lovely friends Vivien, Carol, Joan, two Jeans and two Barbaras would like to join me in sending an unreserved apology to our form teacher Mr.G.
We hope his enforced 'holiday' helped and that he was reunited with his wife before her fertile years had passed.

KAZ

Tattoo?

2009-09-18T12:45:00.002+01:00

Where do you stand on tattoos?

Me?

I always find them a bit unsavoury (my favourite word at the moment). It's probably a generation thing, but tattoos still say docks, flick knives or so drunk I didn't know what was goin on m'lud.

Anyway, as I've mentioned before, I rarely do anything irreversible like piercing my ears or giving birth.

So when Becks ran out in his short sleeved shirt at Wembley last week I was not impressed. Although the arms were awful, they can be covered. But what will that neck look like when he's 75?

Let's hope this is back in fashion by then.

And on Wednesday I discovered he was chosen by adults as the most suitable role model for children! And there's worse - second on the list is David Cameron!!!!!

Here's a pic of Dave's arse.

KAZ

Alpecin

2009-09-14T21:53:00.002+01:00

Remember where you heard about this FIRST.

There was a huge advert in today's METRO (which they wouldn't let me copy) - so here's a German version.

They call it 'Doping for Your Hair' and it's available at BOOTS.

Allegedly ... 'Alpecin has been proven to successfully eliminate the negative impact of testosterone on the scalp.'

And IT WORKS!

Don't say I never tell you anything - eh?
KAZ
NB (re previous post) - The Audenshaw boys were aquitted - Police and prosecutors have been strongly criticised for pursuing the case

Audenshaw.

2009-09-09T07:26:00.003+01:00

When sixteen year old Brenda Ann Spencer went on a high school shooting rampage in 1979, she had more than two deaths and eight injured children on her conscience. She allegedly inspired Bob Geldof to write 'I Don't Like Mondays' for his band The Boomtown Rats.

High School Massacres are all too common - here's the top ten.

Unlikely as it seems - Matthew Swift, 18, and Ross McKnight, 16 almost added Audenshaw to that list.

Audenshaw and Denton are near Manchester. They are small innocuous towns inhabited by working class people who have a reputation for being your typical 'salt of the earth' Northerners. But, instead of breeding whippets, lending cups of sugar to the neighbours and doing Granny’s shopping in Morrisons, these two lads have been planning death and destruction.

Their targets were their school - Audenshaw High (where Mick Hucknall used to go) and Crown Point Shopping centre (where Kaz goes shopping).

(You'll think you've died and gone to heaven at Crown Point. No Comet, Currys or B&Q - just River Island, TK Max, H&M etc. etc..)

I don't think these two young men owned guns but they intended to get them and use them. Brenda Anne's rifle was given to her as a Christmas present by her father.

How are the courts going to deal with this?

Lads who brag or write about blowing up school can't be so unusual. Bomb recipes containing hydrogen peroxide are all over the internet - just do a search - and most of the ingredients are perfectly legal.

Is this the real life
Is this just fantasy ...
Thunderbolt and lightning-very very frightening me

....... and in Audenshaw of all places.

The trial proceeds at Manchester Crown Court this week.
What do you think we should do with them?
KAZ
The boys were aquitted 'Police and prosecutors have been strongly criticised for pursuing the case.'
See them here.

Paris - bad and good.

2009-09-06T11:21:00.000+01:00

MAL:
Day before.
It was freezing cold and pouring down in Manchester and the central heating was on max.
The forecast for Paris was not good.
Kev insisted he was coming down with swine flu.

BON:
Flight good.
Paris was warm, sunny, confident and vibrant.
The swanky hotel (well the flight was free) surpassed expectations.
We mingled with Parisians enjoying the last evening of August.
Drinks in pavement café in Chatelet and a wonderful meal at La Fresque (a favourite from previous trips) ended the excellent day.

MAL:
Manchester weather came across to join us. It was raining chats and chiens.
It was a perfect day to visit The Pompidou. We hadn't done our research - it was closed on Mardi.
My pathetic Primark umbrella was woefully inadequate to the task of protecting two persons of such disparate altitudes. I insisted we would find one of those little bags containing an anorak thingy in GAP. No. Trying more shops (even C&A) brought no luck. Why hadn't I packed a mac?
As saturation point approached I was ready to assault and mug anyone wearing anything waterproof.
Kev's ~~swine~~ man flu came back.

BON:
Mercredi was wonderfully Sunny again.

A wander through the wonderful Marais (this guy tells it so much better than I could) and a walk up the Rue du Temple brought us to the exotic Arab area in Belleville .

Some of the window displays were more fabulous than others.

Summer had returned. We stayed out late - eating, drinking and people watching.

BON:
Cloudy but dry.

Ideal day for visit to Pompidou - same old wonderful stuff.
Here's Moi with the famous Matisse cut out. Great to see where the kneecap (click to enlarge) was stuck on afterwards.

MAL:
Time to go home.

..........................

I loved Paris even more than in previous visits.

It's much better than Manchester (Ha Ha) and (I hate to say this) but I think it's better than Barcelona too.

Paris is proud of itself, it's showing off and out to make an impression - and it succeeds.

I love it.
KAZ.

Use them or Lose them

2009-08-27T06:54:00.001+01:00

Apparently , if you don't use your Airmiles, you'll lose them.
So we're flying to Paris on Sunday ...... for nowt !

I was there about 6 years ago. Do you recognise the building?

I shall be leaving my binoculars and Bill Oddie outfits in Manchester and aspiring to look like a ~~shabby~~ chic Parisienne.

Here are some suggestions I found:

That jacket is nice - but I shall not be wearing the shoes (too high) or the dress (too red and white).

Am I grown up enough for this?

Hope I don't need that umbrella.

However:
I intend to be insouciant rather than inebriate.
I shall be petite rather than shortarsed.
And - instead of pies - I shall be eating tartes or tortes or tartelettes.

So wish me Bon Voyage - I'll be back by Thursday.

KAZ

A Lidl mistake

2009-08-24T17:25:00.017+01:00

The Catalans are a proud people.

Like the Welsh they have their own language (above)

Unlike the Welsh they don't provide translations.

Catalunya is not part of Spain just like Wales is not part of England.

Like Wales they have their own flag.

The four red stripes were allegedly made by the bloody battle stained fingers of Wilfred the Hairy - Count of Barcelona in the ninth century.

This is the Spanish flag.

Catalans have a donkey (burro).

Spain has its bull.

This is a popular car sticker in Catalunya.

The Catalans hate the Spanish as much as the Welsh hate the English.

So you wouldn't refer to 'English Wales' and decorate it with the Union flag would you?

I saw this in Lidl's window this afternoon.

I bet it will really give the Catalans the twmpathau.
KAZ

Everybody Lies.

2009-08-18T17:40:00.004+01:00

Friend B aka Trudy Styler/Lady Penelope/Lesley sneaked out from under her glittering chandeliers last night to meet me in Didsbury for early doors.

Mine's a Sauvignon - hers is a Chardonnay.

Her opening words were 'Kaz - I need your opinion on this jacket and my new hairstyle'.

I recalled an article I'd read last week about lying. Apparently most people lie three times during a 10 minute conversation. Pete Doherty confessed that the last lie he told was 'not guilty'.

I'm naturally very truthful - probably because I'm afraid of being caught out. But this situation was desperate.

The Jacket:

Brown with big white dots, short sleeves, slender waist and huge shoulder pads.

I know. I know. Shoulder pads are back in fashion - but not like these. These were not Kate and Agyness shoulder pads, they were definitely Krystal and Alexis.

These shoulder pads are alive and well on the Costa del Sol but not in South Manchester.

The Hair:

Reminiscent of Rita off Corrie - but this wasn't a wig. It was back combed so you could see the light through it and the back didn't meet with the front. It was red like Rita's but with DIY scarlet streaks.

What would you have done?
KAZ

Spots and Gits.

2009-08-12T08:17:00.003+01:00

Kev's back and he's turned into a miserable old git.

Heaven knows what he'll be like when he gets to my age.

Last week we went to Liverpool. I decided to fork out twenty quid for our train fares rather than risk Kev's white van man style driving.

Anyway, 'twas I who wanted to see this exhibition at Liverpool Tate. So we took the bus to Oxford Rd which is 15 mins door to door. But the bus didn't stop at the station bus stop because of roadworks- so Kev raged and ranted at the totally innocent young female bus driver as I pretended I'd lost something under the seat.

A cyclist using a mobile phone was verbally abused as we walked to the station.

I thought the exhibition was great - but not suitable for chaps like my old friend Colin Baxendale who always walked round saying "I could do that" over and over - but could never explain why he didn't.

The familiar Damien Hirst spotty effort above is one of several hundreds - none of which was painted by Damian.

Someone had even painted the floor.

Kev eventually cheered up and calmed down as we walked over the road to Liverpool ONE to see Everton TWO. It was the day that the new away strip was launched and it's PINK!!

Don't tell anyone - but I was impressed by Liverpool. It's always seemed like Manchester's poor relation - but being European City of Culture must have done it good. Even the scousers looked smart and confident.

The train that took us home was heading for Norwich.
I was very tempted to stay on and visit my pleasant non grumpy East Angular blogging pals.
KAZ

WHY don't they?

2009-08-07T07:49:00.000+01:00

1: WHY don't they ... Bring back those tree saver paper bags at the supermarkets? We use to get them at Safeway in the 80s and if they're good enough for Don Draper they're good enough for me.

2: WHY don't they ... Design containers for hair conditioner so that you can get it all out ?

This one is good -

But this one is impossible (see tiny hole) and if you risk life and limb to remove the top most of it will stay in the 'shoulders'.

3: WHY don't they .. Make the leads and wires for computer stuff, phone chargers, radios, lamps etc. in white? Most people have light coloured walls like mine.

4: WHY don't they ..Design a contraption for our canine friends so that they can enjoy the journey without annoying their owners?

** Ooops they already did.

KAZ

What HO!!

2009-08-03T17:41:00.004+01:00

Worry not!

I'm still the same raving, lefty, pinko, Old Labour, commie loving, knee jerk socialist. The bust of Lenin is still on the mantelpiece - well metaphorically speaking - you don't often get mantelpieces in flats.

I still have my badge collection and the Endangered Species one is becoming increasingly appropriate.

But someone gave me this which I'd missed in 1990 ..................

..................and now I've fallen for Bertie in a big way.

I wonder how this:

Became this?

Glad he decided against becoming a National Treasure like his boring friend.

Bertie and I have a few things in common.

As Aunt Agatha accused -

"Cursed with too much money (a teacher's pension is quite generous), you fritter away in selfish idleness a life which might have been made useful, helpful, and profitable."

And Bertie once opined -

"I don't know why it is, but I've never been able to bear with fortitude anything in the shape of a kid with golden curls. Confronted with one, I feel the urge to step on him or drop things on him from a height."

So 'What Ho'.

I see it's to be repeated on ITV 3 tonight. I may watch it after my preprandial rituals.

But it won't be half of mild and the Gallagher brothers tonight.

Oh No

More like some very dry martinis and The Inkspots.

Toodle pip!
KAZ

Siren songs

2009-07-29T07:06:00.001+01:00

When driving locally I'm usually going to Ashton - under - Lyne or Chorlton - cum - Hardy.
YES - I only visit places with triple barrelled names.

On the former trip I pass two major infirmaries and two big police stations plus a police training place of some sort. So I hear lots of get out of my way warning sirens and it's often difficult to know which direction they're coming from. Sometimes there's one coming at you and another coming up behind.

But I've usually managed ..... until I discovered .....

Rock Radio ....

.... where 'The only Pink we play is Floyd! The adverts are for bikers' leathers, the deejays all talk in Capstan Full Strength Manchester accents and the playlist doesn't trouble this century.

It makes me feel dead 'ard.

You can't make a journey without hearing 'Paranoid' or 'Stairway to Heaven'

But it isn't dominated by hard and heavy - as well as 'Bring your daughter to the Slaughter' and 'Orgasmatron' we get Bowie, Bobs Seger and Springsteen, even th'Eagles and plenty of punk.

But yesterday, when I pulled to the side of Alan Turing Way and looked for the police or ambulance it dawned on me that the 'alarm' was coming from Def Leppard.

*I blushed*.

Perhaps I should go back to Steve Wright or Radio Manchester.
KAZ

PICTURE POST

2009-07-24T07:02:00.006+01:00

You can have a welcome rest from my pedestrian prose as I post some more retro pics from my collection.
(click to enlarge)

-----------------------

Yesterday the deejay on local Rock Radio said - 'School holidays eh? I can't think of a better advert for contraception'.

Well he obviously hadn't seen this one.

------------------------

The family below obviously doesn't own a television set.

-----------------------
Cutex must be trying to scare women into buying their lipsticks.

---------------------------

Do you think this could be the young James Dyson?
Or did he steal his invention from Mr Lewyt?

--------------------------

And finally the good news is .... 'Super summer dresses for under £1.50.'
But the bad news is - it's an advert for Woolworth.

KAZ

TOPS and BOTTOMS

2009-07-20T22:19:00.004+01:00

I saw this absolutely gorgeous photo of Anna and had to write a post around it.
Then she turned up in ‘The Street’ on BBC 1 tonight?

As soon as Anna appeared in Brookside as Beth Jordache I new she was far too classy for a soap.
Brookie (and her friend Corrie) helped me through a bad patch in the nineties.

Here is Beth/Anna in the first lesbian soap kiss.

Don’t worry I’m not thinking of moving to Hebden Bridge. That's where Tony lives - though he spends a lot of time in Rochdale 'cos he’s a big fan of Gracie Fields . Both Anna and Gracie are from Rochdale - (not many famous Rochdalians but Cyril Smith helps make up the numbers).

Gracie Fields set back the image of Lancashire womanhood for decades with her Sallying and Alleying and Trouble at t‘mill. Nevertheless, Anna called her daughter Gracie and a nanny was flown from Lancashire to LA to make sure she kept the accent.

Speaking of Rochdale - I didn’t get round to visiting. I didn’t go to Ramsbottom either or Broadbottom. But Gerald wrote about Broadbottom last week - they’ve been having a scarecrow competition .

I love this one of MJ

But what’s this - surely that’s another MJ - where's the Jamesons ??

Small world - eh?
KAZ

A Blog about Blogging

2009-07-16T14:23:00.002+01:00

Apparently this is my 400th post.

I seem to have blogged about almost everything including 'Incest and Morris Dancing' ....but I don't seem to have blogged about blogging.

So here are some crucial questions about blogging

1: Why do we blog? Do we all want to be Charlie Brooker or Lucy Mangan?

2: How on earth do people manage to blog and work for a living?

3: Do you suffer from Blogger depression? You can download this pamphlet to help.

4: How do some brilliant bloggers manage to be witty and entertaining without pictures.

5: Do commenters ever return to read the replies? Statcounter can't tell me as it's always full of Brazilians looking for photos of their footballing hero who plays for Man City - the one with the wag who eats pies.

6: Has the new sophistication of Google Reader taken the spontaneity out of blogging? And why is blogger.com taking so long to load these days.
Is it just me?

7: Will Twittering kill Blogging?

Answers please to -

a.k.a.
KAZ

Alone again

2009-07-13T07:36:00.002+01:00

** I'm home alone **

Kev's stayed in Spain to ride his bike, play his guitar and have rampant sex with smouldering señoritas.

You can congratulate me on three weeks of successful cohabitación and be happy for me that I now have some time in my own little place with my own front door. And when Kev gets home he'll have his own front door as well.

I'm just not very good at sharing my space. I did it for 48 years and that was enough.

But I have been very, very good.

When asked how I manage to get through 'a whole jar of marmalade' in two days - I counted to ten and did not retort by substituting the words bottle, wine and 10 minutes.

I have listened with hardly a yawn as Kev practised his rusty, circumlocutory pedagogical skills on me. I refrained from suggesting that If he misses teaching so much he could go back to work.

So now there will be pizza eating, re watching of the History Boys, Christian Bale and (possibly) Withnail and lots of unstructured time and spontaneous outings.

Who knows - I may even have a day out in Oldham, Rochdale or Ramsbottom.
KAZ

Salad days

2009-07-02T07:00:00.001+01:00

The French taught me how to love a salad.

When I was growing up in Lancashire everyone hated salad.

The 'RULES of SALAD' had to be observed.

1: Salad must only be served for Sunday tea when aunties with names like Annie and Ethel were involved

2: The ingredients must be kept strictly separated. No minglement of items was permitted.

3: This must be placed in the centre of the table.

Here's how to make an Old Skool salad:

Collect ingredients.

Put on plate.

Then try to make polite conversation

Tomorrow I'll be off to France for a lovely 'salade composée' then travelling abowt bit.

So I'll seeya soon back in lovely Manchester (thanks Kev).

Be Good.
KAZ

Bomb Crisis

2009-06-28T19:23:00.005+01:00

An Introduction to Catalan vocabulary.

1: Kiosk on the roadside.

I've heard about being hoisted with your own petard.

According to Chambers:

Petard: noun historical - a small bomb for blasting a hole in a wall, door, etc. hoist with one's own petard blown up by one's own bomb.

So this is a roadside bomb shop! Well - nothing in Spain would surprise me - they have Europe's worst safety record and their roads are carnage.

Mr Chambers adds

ETYMOLOGY: 16c: French pétard from péter to break wind, from Latin pedere.

Hmmmm.

It turns out that petard is the Catalan word for banger or firecracker. The sound is deafening.
They were available for a few days before the Fiesta of Sant Joan, (Joan = John) the pagan festival of fire. After that the shop was taped up by the police.

2: Sign on local market.

Kev (the Spanish speaker) said 'Oh yes - crease resistant '.

Kaz (the non Spanish speaker) replied.

'Er I don't think so. All fashionable clothes are supposed to be creased these days - in fact you probably have to pay extra for it. Rebajas means sales. So these pantalones are going to solve the financial crisis.'

'We must e mail Alistair Darling.'

'Don't call me darling' said Kev as he consulted his Spanish pocket dictionary - 'it's so bourgeois'.

I was right of course.

And I don't think those pants will crunch your credits.
KAZ

GULLiver's Travels

2009-06-25T06:49:00.000+01:00

We arrived at the usual piso to find all was well.

Until I had to visit to the restroom which was out of order - or 'the bog was bust' as we Brits would say. The local plumber couldn't come until 7pm the next day.

So, the following day we drove to the Parc Natural where we saw purple heron, marsh harrier, spotted crake, bee eater, roller, hoopoe, reed warbler, fan tailed warbler, green sandpiper etc...(do you really want to know all this?)

Then home to get out of the heat and wait for the plumber ...... and look what I found.

He was a very brave herring gull with a damaged wing - so he couldn't escape from the terrace. Herring gulls are big birds - he was knee high, had a fearsome beak and was looking at me expectantly.

And I was fresh out of herrings.

What to do?

If he stayed there he would die - slowly.
If we managed to lift him over the wall he would fall to the ground and die slowly.

I couldn't find the number for the Spanish equivalent of Bill Oddie or the RSPB ... and he was still looking at me.

Should we let nature take its course?

NO!

Averting his eye (and beak) I threw a sheet over him, lifted him into a box and we drove back to the visitors' centre at the Parc.

A nice señora inspired our confidence as she took him in. I doubt if the wing could be fixed - but the vet would do the right thing by my new friend.

He's probably in Herring Heaven by now.

How did Gulliver know we were birders?

The plumber didn't show up - but the loo miraculously started working again.
Excellent - I needed a rest.
KAZ

Would I Lie to YOU?

2009-06-21T07:05:00.001+01:00

When I’m planning to go to Spain - I’d rather not tell you about it.

You would only go on and on about my carbon footprint and idle lifestyle or say it’s all greasy food and penduline tits.

Then there would be the insinuations re Kenneth Noye and Ronnie Knight style activities on the Costa del Crime. Do you really think I’d associate myself with the ex Mr Babs Windsor?

Anyway, I go to Catalunya not Malaga - my only criminal activity is stalking the lovely Thierry in Barcelona.

I could always carry on writing about football and rain and Manchester.

I could tell you about Britney’s visit on Tuesday to our M.E.N. Arena when she jumped on stage and shouted ‘What’s up London?’

You’d never know where I was if it weren’t for that sneaky statcounter showing the red and yellow flags.

But I won’t be flying to Spain next week

!! Because I’m already there !!

....... And I’ve brought my laptop with me.

KAZ

Eavesdropping.

2009-06-16T17:02:00.003+01:00

The bloke next to me on the bus was talking very loud French into his téléphone cellulaire. He shrugged and gesticulated as only a Monsieur could - and, as he signalled the word 'gauche', he nearly knocked me off my seat.

The Chinese girl behind me shouted loud, consonant free Chinese into her 手机, as a giggling gaggle of Somali girls squealed and screamed in Somali (?) while they climbed to the top deck.

None of this is unusual in Manchester and I walked down Market Street to the usual background of Spanish Polish Russian Punjabi Arabic Guajarati etc.

But nothing prepared me for what I was to hear in Debenham's later.

Mum to small son:

"Ok Geezer. Yer not avin ennyfink coz yer won't wait nor nuffink. Lor' luv a duck! Just keep yaaahr norf an' sowf shut . Know what I mean. Nuff said yeah?

(O.K. I exaggerate a little but at least I didn't mention a J Arthur.)

A cockernee in Manchester?
Previously unheard of.

Then it occurred to me that some of my blogging pals are from the deep South. Do Geoff, Rog, Dave, NiC and Scarlet all put batter on their bread instead of on their fish?

And is anyone saying ‘Hoots Mon’, ‘Why aye Man’ or ‘Golly Gosh’ as they read this post?
KAZ

The Sporting Cock.

2009-06-14T08:02:00.001+01:00

You may have heard the Merseyside Derby (Everton v Liverpool) referred to as the Friendly Derby.

But try telling this to Rafa Benitez.

Relationships declined after the Heysel Stadium disaster. Everton had qualified for Europe that year and the fans blamed Liverpool hooligans for the subsequent ban on all English clubs.

So now the two tribes of fans hate each other - in true footballing tradition.

'EVERTON 1' is the brand new shop at Goodison where the team's latest strip (by Le Coq Sportif) will be sold.

But there's a brand new shopping centre in Liverpool called Liverpool 1.

Everton have a another shop there called 'EVERTON 2'.

And its address -

EVERTON 2 - LIVERPOOL1

LOL!!!
KAZ

NUTTERS and BOLTERS.

2009-06-10T07:16:00.002+01:00

I've just finished 'The Bolter'. But if I’d been aware of the identity of the author the charity shop would be 50p worse off.

Frances Osborne is the Tory wife of George - the odious ex member of the Bullingdon club (no1 in the pic). He was a few years later than his mates Dave and Boris.

Fragrant Frances discovered that her great grandmother was Idina Sackville, the scandalous, five times married, gin-fuelled, orgy loving member of the ‘Happy Valley’ social set in 1930s Kenya - as portrayed in the film 'White Mischief'.

In spite of the stigma of her divorced mother, Idina managed to catch and marry (in1913) one of the richest men in Britain. They were a promiscuous lot.

The 'cinq à sept’ referred to the early evening shagging session.

Why this time?

Because it was just after tea when the ladies unleashed their stays and peeled off layers of undergarments before changing for dinner. So it was practical rather than passionate.

Only married women were chosen so that surprise pregnancies could be kept in the family. Stately homes were designed with this debauchery in mind - they had a special door leading from the man's dressing room to the corridor.

I enjoyed this book for all the wrong reasons. The lives of the hedonistic rich who introduced the concept of binge drinking to the world and set the standard for bacchanalian orgies was undeniably fascinating.

Idina was a despicable person - but she did start the East Grinstead suffragette movement, build two plantations in Africa and pursue an intrepid daredevil lifestyle with no thought for personal safety.

She also had a sort of social conscience - which is more than can be said for her great grand daughter's husband.
KAZ