Sunday, October 01, 2006

Fly Monarch dot com

4-Airport-Security-Check
Tuesday September 19th:


4.00 am: Kaz finally falls asleep.

4.30 a.m: Alarm goes off.

5.15 a.m: Taxi arrives 20 mins early. Driver is chatty old git who thinks I’m fascinated by the condition of his roses. Glad he was so nice because, after dropping me off at the airport, he came running after me with my keys instead of going back to rob my flat.

6.00 a.m: Check in. Pleased I’d been up at 2a.m. to re pack my luggage. Only one bag allowed on board. Squashed my shoulder bag into my lap top bag and checked in the trolley which I usually take on the plane.

7a.m: Security: long queues of trippers removing shoes and (for some inexplicable reason) throwing pens into a transparent bin for ‘Pointed objects’. I held on to mine.

7.10a.m: Passed through detector without bleep - but customs person decided to frisk me. She was small and Italian looking and when she stroked her hands vertically between my breasts - It was… well … very nice!! OK?

Why choose me? Did she like me?


Well I often get picked on. I have a long face (like Audrey) and I don’t wear those backless kitten heeled shoes that go clomp clomp. Docs and a stripey top which would coordinate with a bag labelled ‘SWAG’ are not the same as the mint green holiday outfits ubiquitous at Manchester Airport.

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7.45 a.m: Final check to enter the plane. Chubby guys at boarding gate were far too nice to be efficient. As I approached one shouted to the other ‘You’ve let someone on the wrong bloody plane’. There didn’t seem to be a standard procedure to deal with this, so he just dropped everything and ran/waddled up to the plane door where panic ensued.

The poor bloke who thought he was going to FARO was escorted off … and then back on again. Had he settled for Barcelona rather than wait for the next plane to Faro?

11.30a.m: Arrived Barcelona

Then .. Bus … Taxi …Train …

4.10pm: Arrive Figueras station

Kev waiting. Kaz knackered.

Thursday 22 Sept: Mr ‘Faro’ on same return flight. He must have liked Barcelona.

Kaz Home in Manchester - Kev still in Spain.

I may share my feelings about this with you later.

burglar bear

KAZ

PS: Heard on radio today - you can now take lipstick but not lip gloss!

14 Comments:

Blogger SL said...

Oh, thank God. I'd be lost without my lippy. Ha ha!

I am looking forward to the day where I just show up at the airport and jump on the next flight available. Faro or Barcelona will be fine.

That's some long day, Kaz! And now you're back and he isn't?!

Why DO you come back, by the way?

5:20 pm  
Blogger The Murphmeister said...

Airports are becoming like the pits of some sort of science fiction hell, according to Mr P who came through Stansted twice last week.
I quite fancied getting a job in security there but the shoes-off inspection would put anyone off for life.

6:19 pm  
Blogger KAZ said...

sl: That's what my grandad used to do in Chorley bus station - jump on the next bus regardless of destination.
Why am I home? I just like my life in Manchester....is it time for Corrie yet?

Murph: I came through Stansted once - it's impossible to get back to Manchester - mind you it was the day of the rail strike.

Get a job at Barcelona Aeropuerto -they all keep their shoes on and you'd just have to sniff for drugs.

You'd be a happy Murph!

6:43 pm  
Blogger Vics said...

LMAO@ 'mr faro'

I dunno.. these airports..

11:04 pm  
Blogger KAZ said...

Mr Faro was very cool. I was too shy to find out the full story.

7:25 pm  
Blogger Gary James said...

Again I make a call for giant pilots. I will not begin to feel safe so long as I am looking up at that tiny, tiny face at the tiny, tiny window of a jumbo jet. I want to see a giant pilot with his arm out of the window, fingers drumming coolly on the roof.

7:28 pm  
Blogger Lubin said...

You watch yourself on Las Ramblas girl - it's notorious for pickpockets. My fella had some dental floss stolen from his pocket (the theives must have thought it was his wallet - we at least consoled ourselves that they would have healthy gums for weeks to come).

I always get stopped by airport security too. My fella says I look shifty and guilty. It's kind of become a self-fulfilling prophecy -I worry about getting picked, so look stressed, which makes them think I have a bomb strapped to my chest. Oh well.

8:51 pm  
Blogger KAZ said...

gary: I've just finished watching that Panorama programme on surviving a plane crash. Funnily enough, it didn't mention Giant Pilots. How remiss!

Essentalliy it took an hour to say - 'sit near the exit'.

Lubin: And now you tell me - I was wondering what happened to my dental floss!
Oh and I don't really look like Audrey - but I have a long upper lip which makes *smiling* hard work - hence I get picked on.
Not fair is it.

10:10 pm  
Blogger Lubin said...

You're a lot more fun that Audrey too.

6:30 pm  
Blogger KAZ said...

Good - but I just long to look like the other Audrey - and eat breakfast at Tiffany's.

8:31 pm  
Blogger Gerald England said...

Going to Chania wasn't too bad. I was a bit miffed by the gall of the airside cafeteria saying 2 bottles of 50ml of Buxton Water for £2 was a bargain! 30p each in Asda but you can't take them.
Good job we didn't fly the week after as the plane was delayed 8 hours! At Chania there chaos as I couldn't find trolleys for the luggage nor Christine's wheelchair but eventually it materialised.
Coming back was fine at first; we were whisked to the front of the check-in desk and no problems taking bottles of water that cost 40 euro-cents. But then they loaded all the able-bodied first! They took Christine's chair and put her in a rickety one on a lift to go into the plane and made me climb 25 steps while carrying two wheelchair cushions, wife's woolly and handbag, my own handluggage and my stick! Glad to be back in rainy Manchester and get a decent cup of tea. Am never flying again!!

5:25 pm  
Blogger KAZ said...

Gerald: Oh I do sympathise - it's an ordeal for the able bodied so God knows what you went through.
I thought that Chania was a typo for China - how ignorant I am.

Thank goodness for google.

I hope you can find courage to fly again sometime. Not all airlines are equally awful.

8:22 pm  
Blogger Gerald England said...

Yeah it is Crete and actually they pronounce it Hania -- the c is silent and sometimes they spell it Xania. Some of the roadsigns are in Greek and some in English but they keep changing the spellings.
We were at Maleme which is on the road to Kateli [according to the signpost] but the place is shown on maps as Kissamos or Kisamoss.

I've taken 210 photos so I'll put some on a site in due course but I've not had time to do the ones from our previous holiday yet!
three eights done in a separate blog Baltic2006

11:33 pm  
Blogger KAZ said...

Gerald; Sounds confusing - but then I'm easily confused.
I'll go to your Baltic blog tomorrow.
It's time for bed now!

11:48 pm  

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