THE MEASURE (for women of a certain age)
With apologies to Weekend Guardian
a Mushrooms : Recent research says they will make you live for ever and look like Penelope Cruz/Cameron Diaz ……. (or insert good looking person of choice).
a BIG jewellery: Distracts from turkey neck, sagging jowls and wrinkly bosoms.
a Root retouchers: ‘Save the badger’ but not on your head
a Grey: It’s great for clothes but not for hair. Don’t let the fact that it’s fashionable put you off. Wear it with pearls, silver, or more grey ...not bright colours.
a Smock dresses: I was in Top Shop with Eileen last week where we both said (in unison) ‘My dad used to hate those - they made you look pregnant’. Not a problem now! Not so sure about the matching leggings though.
r Pensions: Unless you’re already getting one (sorry)
r Mushrooms: Don’t turn into one. Beige is OK but not from head to toe.
r Tanning studios: Use Rimmel Sunshimmer on your face. Apply moisturiser first. Even if you overdo it and turn into Cilla or Kilroy it washes off and doesn’t give you cancer.
r Polo necks: Trust me on this - They will not make you look 21 again. They will make your head look as if it's in an egg cup (ref: Guy Browning)
r Stooping: Stand up straight (Julie Walters is great but not Mrs Overall)
r Long hair: Do you want to look like Dr Gillian? Or - dare I say it - Madonna?
r Big Bosoms: At your age they’re bound to go down. Twiggy in her cardigan did wonders for M&S, but she was so much better when she was a real Twiggy.
Sorry chaps - I’ll have to think about you - there may be no hope.
But - a good rule is ‘ONLY wear ONE piece of denim at a time’ unless you really want to look like Les Battersby at a Status Quo gig.