Friday, February 09, 2007

The MEASURE

THE MEASURE (for women of a certain age)

With apologies to Weekend Guardian

Going UP

a Mushrooms : Recent research says they will make you live for ever and look like Penelope Cruz/Cameron Diaz ……. (or insert good looking person of choice).

a BIG jewellery: Distracts from turkey neck, sagging jowls and wrinkly bosoms.

a Root retouchers: ‘Save the badger’ but not on your head

a Grey: It’s great for clothes but not for hair. Don’t let the fact that it’s fashionable put you off. Wear it with pearls, silver, or more grey ...not bright colours.

a Smock dresses: I was in Top Shop with Eileen last week where we both said (in unison) ‘My dad used to hate those - they made you look pregnant’. Not a problem now! Not so sure about the matching leggings though.



Going DOWN

r Pensions: Unless you’re already getting one (sorry)

r Mushrooms: Don’t turn into one. Beige is OK but not from head to toe.

r Tanning studios: Use Rimmel Sunshimmer on your face. Apply moisturiser first. Even if you overdo it and turn into Cilla or Kilroy it washes off and doesn’t give you cancer.

r Polo necks: Trust me on this - They will not make you look 21 again. They will make your head look as if it's in an egg cup (ref: Guy Browning)

r Stooping: Stand up straight (Julie Walters is great but not Mrs Overall)

r Long hair: Do you want to look like Dr Gillian? Or - dare I say it - Madonna?

r Big Bosoms: At your age they’re bound to go down. Twiggy in her cardigan did wonders for M&S, but she was so much better when she was a real Twiggy.



Sorry chaps - I’ll have to think about you - there may be no hope.

But - a good rule is ‘ONLY wear ONE piece of denim at a time’ unless you really want to look like Les Battersby at a Status Quo gig.

KAZ

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21 Comments:

Blogger Betty said...

All so true, er, mainly because I've got my hair a bit shorter at the moment, my roots don't need touching up for a couple of weeks, and I've got a couple of smock tops because they cover up a multitude of sins. ... I like chunky jewellery as well ... I DON'T SLAVISHLY FOLLOW THE GUARDIAN MEASURE, HONESTLY. HONESTLY.

As for the blokes - definitely a thumbs down for off white chinos with pleated waistbands and a beergut hanging over them. Flat waistbands are a much better bet.

10:23 am  
Blogger Murph said...

Buying 2 sizes too big never works with Mr P. - the man who took the "chic" out of "shabby chic" and makes Les Battersby look like Jason King.

It's a well kept secret in the trade that Leslie Hornby emigrated 30 years ago and a series of ever-younger stand-in's have been handsomely paid to preserve the Twiggy myth. The one in your picture is Edith Clenchwharton from Hull and she's not a day over 19. Mum's the word.

10:39 am  
Blogger KAZ said...

Betty: Thanks so much for addressing the bloke dilemma.
I just remember with horror the time when Trinnie and Susannah tried to do it for Jeremy Clarkson.

Ah well - I’m off to Top Shop now - who says I’m too old for leggings?

Murph: Tell Mr P to read Betty’s advice - Jason King or Simon Cowell? I think Mr P needs a new role model.

Oh and *mum*

11:02 am  
Blogger MJ said...

Blokes: No Les Battersby faux snakeskin "pulling jackets" either.

12:29 pm  
Blogger Geoff said...

In his early thirties, my friend said men over the age of 40 should not wear jeans.

I think that's kind of right - maybe a certain kind of blue jean should not be allowed. But I've continued to wear khaki jeans and a darker blue jean well into my forties without any pointing fingers. It helps not to wear any kind of shirt with them, either a teeshirt or a classy sweatshirt is fine.

As for Betty's chino comment, I think she's remembering the Barcelona incident where my luggage was missing for three days and I decided to buy some chinos meant for a 15 stone, 4 foot tall, middle aged Spaniard. I bought them specifically for the pleats as I thought they'd make me look like David Bowie when in fact I looked more like the laughing gnome. I blame the incident on the fact that my medication was in my suitcase and I wasn't feeling myself.

1:38 pm  
Blogger Ruby in Bury said...

In the late 70s I wouldn't leave the house unless I'd transformed into a mushroom first.

My hair was cut in a short-ish bob, and I used a hot brush to turn it under all the way round.

Bring back the mushroom look, I say! It suited me ... in a strange sort of a way.

3:05 pm  
Blogger MJ said...

Geoff wasn't "feeling himself"

*sniggers*

3:06 pm  
Blogger coolbuddha said...

Gravity, that's the cause of most problems associated with aging. It's Isaac Newton's fault for inventing it. The b**stard. When it comes to clothes anything in M&S suits the older guy. Except bras. Men should not wear bras.

5:32 pm  
Blogger KAZ said...

Mj - I don’t think Les wears that any more. Without giving too much away, I think the scriptwriters are trying to convert him into a sort of caring faithful wimp.
Sometimes I sort of fancy Les - But don’t go there.

Geoff: Just ignore mj.
My friend B hasn’t allowed her bloke to wear jeans in public for the last ten years. But in this post modernist age there are so many types of jean that I’m sure you got it right (ish).
Just don’t tuck the Teeshirt in - please.
Barcelona (style capital) would be a nightmare without luggage.
4ft is probably OK in metres - the way I feel at the moment he sounds like my ideal man.

Ruby: Ah the mushroom hairstyle. I’ve seen a lot worse. But mushroom as a colour for top, bottom, jacket and shoes is definitely not for the aspiring fashionista.

Mj: Thank goodness he doesn’t need to.
I’ve just come in from seeing a really miserable movie so I’m off to Infomaniac to cheer me up.

Coolbuddha: Do you remember ‘man at C&A’?
I wouldn’t like to think you were turning into ‘man at M&S’.
Perhaps man at ‘H&M’ would be a bit more exciting.

Men in bras? I don’t want to think about it. But perhaps someone should.

8:47 pm  
Blogger MJ said...

I did a posting on men in pantyhose today.

Now I'll start researching men in bras.

9:23 pm  
Blogger KAZ said...

mj: Or men who need bras.

9:31 pm  
Blogger MJ said...

That would have been the "man boobs" posting.

10:35 pm  
Blogger KAZ said...

Yes - I'm not a fan.
Stick with men in bras - and possibly tights as well...or even leggings.
But not smocks.

10:35 am  
Anonymous NiC said...

Oh yes, leggings are an excellent wear under the trousers this time of year for keeping warm when out with the camera. Much cheaper than Damart long-johns. :)

11:11 am  
Blogger Dave G said...

I think your all mad, I have a short video clip (Genuine) of Mr Battersbey engaged in athletics of some sort with a young lady and a dwarf in high heels and suspenders.

11:25 am  
Blogger KAZ said...

Nic: Do you fancy the fluoro pink ones in the Topshop link?
It takes a real MAN to wear a pair of those.

Dave: ‘Sort of athletics’?
Les (Bruce) must be worth a bob or two by now - you could threaten to publish on your site unless he coughs up a few grand.

11:48 am  
Anonymous NiC said...

Pink's not usually my colour and normally I tend to go for black...but I don't suppose it really matters :)

10:46 am  
Blogger stitchwort said...

*aspiring fashionista* - no chance for me - Top Sh--p et al don't make anything big enough.

2:52 pm  
Blogger KAZ said...

nic:
You mean it doesn't matter as they are underneath your trousers - I suppose.

Stitch: I don't believe you for a minute...the new(ish) smocks are very 'roomy'. How about knitting one with your own fulled and felted wool.

3:59 pm  
Blogger nuttycow said...

The Guardian? Really?

[scared eyes] what does it mean if I don't read the Guardian and wouldn't be seen out in public with it anywhere near me?

3:16 pm  
Blogger KAZ said...

Nutty: Hmmmmmmmmm - I suppose it depends on your reasons .. and which paper you would be seen anywhere near.

6:01 pm  

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