Thursday, March 22, 2007

Risk Factor

I really love my home, but I go out a lot.

Why?


Well - it’s not only because Willy bloody Nelson is playing his bloody guitar upstairs all bloody day.

The reason is that ‘Home’ is a very dangerous place to be. Most accidents requiring hospitalisation (38%) occur in the home. Even sport only contributes 13%!

I try very hard to avoid injury because the thought of being hospitalised fills me with terror. I’d rather take a cyanide and rat poison cocktail than go into MRI (Manchester Royal Infirmary).

Why the phobia? Several reasons-

I fear murdering medics - like Beverley Allitt or this fresh faced young bloke.

Superbugs are waiting to get you. The advice in the Guardian was to fill up your case with antiseptic wipes and use them on everything - even the doctors and nurses. Eileen’s doc told her that there was no way he would send anyone into hospital unless it was a genuine emergency - her bunion wasn’t.

The main reason for my dread of hospital may sound trivial.

It’s the woman in the next bed with no teeth whose visitors who won’t go home and want to be nice to you because you haven’t got any.

It’s your own visitors who are seeing you without your mascara for the first time. You would never have them in you home anyway. In hospital, no one phones first or even rings the bell. They just walk in with a cheap bunch of flowers and a determination to cheerfully bore you for as long as they like.

All this when you are feeling ill and anxious.

Then there’s the vomit inducing food and the lack of music, reading matter, privacy, internet, Corrie, Sauvignon, mobile and access to drugs of choice (mainly Kalms).

You are a prisoner.

Oh and the safest activity - at a mere 1% of accidents - is SHOPPING!


Yeah!

See you in Top Shop!

KAZ

Labels:

22 Comments:

Blogger I, like the view said...

finally: a genuine reason to go shopping! fan-bloody-tastic, thanks kaz

(mind you, how did the 1% of injuries occur?)(oh, and where did "having sex" figure in that list. . .)(if that's not an indelicate question)

9:26 am  
Blogger Murph said...

Three observations, Kaz:
1. I always assumed a Willie Nelson was a really painful wrestling hold which often required hospitalization.

2. Your graphic description of life in a hospital bed bears an uncanny similarity to life on a Ryan Air flight.

3. Is there a chance of meeting Caroline Ahearne in the Manchester Royal Infirmary?

4. Have you noticed how once you start making lists you get carried away?

5. WV=" " What are the chances of that?

10:20 am  
Blogger KAZ said...

IltV:
Probably when trying on those too tight jeans.
Sex? Sorry I was reading the article before 9pm.

Murph:
1: It’s Willie who needs ‘hospitalization’ along with his bloody guitar.
2: But you can wear your mascara and drink gin
3: Caz, as I call her,prefers ‘The Priory’
4: Yes
5: It was driving me mad

11:02 am  
Blogger stitchwort said...

Take care, kaz - one fall and they've got you!

And even when you're discharged, you have to go back to "Out-Patients" for months, every time playing the car park space lottery, paying through the nose for the space when you get one, and being kept waiting so long you have to go back and feed the meter.

11:06 am  
Blogger stitchwort said...

Perhaps that should be - *One fall, or one knockout equals admission*.

11:07 am  
Anonymous Diddums said...

I find simply living alongside or walking a dog has caused me more injuries (both in and outside the home) than the home itself has - but that's because I seem to spend most of my time by computer or TV, or with a book, and only have to get active when a dog so demands - and then *whoosh*! Dog-related injury.

Just an observation. :-).

The cats have their injury-inducing moments also, as (I suppose) do children and other people. For instance, if you put your hand on the edge of the door and your sister unexepectely opens the back door, coming in from the outside, causing a huge draught through the house, and the door you were holding slams violently on your fingers.... well, that happened to me when I was a teenager. :-). Other people.......

About the 1% of injuries during shopping - I know someone who was in a supermarket and stepped on a banner or plastic sign or something that an employee had taken down and laid on the shiny floor. She slipped and fell. I think she was more dazed and upset than anything else.

On another occasion I was passing by the local supermarket at a distance, and it was CHRISTMAS EVE. Night time. I looked over, and there was an ambulance standing outside the doors, and someone being carried out on a stretcher. S/he had something wrapped round his/her head. Of course I speculated! Had s/he been in a fight over the last frozen turkey?

11:13 am  
Blogger MJ said...

Dirty docs...

Every year 250,000 Canadians get sick from hospital infections!

A Canadian TV show team went into hospitals with a hidden cam and revealed that doctors are the worst offenders for not washing their hands.

12:13 pm  
Anonymous NiC said...

I think I can see Top Shop's next slogan..... "Top Shop.... safer than staying at home!".

Excellent.

But yes, I'd do nearly anything rather than go into hospital. The ten days of my adult life tat I spent in one were the scariest ever.

PS: What's happened to the random letter generator? I used to enjoy looking for secret messages in it.

1:30 pm  
Blogger Arabella said...

There's a very funny and entirely chilling account of a hospital stay over at 'That's So Pants'.

Apart from getting stuck halfway out of a dress in a changing room once, my experience of shopping has been fear-free.

1:49 pm  
Blogger Murph said...

The photo with this post always triggers the response "What's the bleeding time?" in a James Robertson Justice vein.

5:41 pm  
Blogger Midnight said...

Ooh Matron! Not many women complain about having a finely tuned willy upstairs?

Trust a woman to produce such a compelling argument for retail therapy!

6:49 pm  
Blogger Gareth said...

You forgot to mention mixed wards.
Last ti e I stayed overnight in hospital was next to a woman undergoing gynaecological surgery, I'm sure she was delighted to be in a ward half full of men.

6:49 pm  
Blogger KAZ said...

Stitch:
I probably shouldn’t say this (tempting fate) but I have never been in hospital. Just visiting terrified the life out of me.

Love the ‘fall or knockout’ joke - as long as it’s not me!


Hello again Diddums:
It’s a miracle that any of us are still alive. I once cut my finger badly when examining a gadget in Aldi.
Wherever it is now it has my bloodstains and DNA.

Mj:
Urgh!

Dirty docs - an idea for a post on Infomaniac??

Nic:
Excellent - But could be ‘damning with faint praise’ perhaps.
See above - I have no personal experience - but I live in dread.

Those wv thingies really got on my nerves I just haven’t got the knack.

Arabella:
Were you halfway out or halfway in?
Not sure I can face ‘That’s so pants’ yet.

I’ll go and pour myself a stiff drink.

Murph:
Oh - I saw that Doctor film at a very early age. I found that joke so naughty and hilarious.
It still raises a titter.

Midnight:
Finely tuned Willy?
Have you seen any pictures of Mr Nelson recently?

Gareth:
Oh No no no no no!!
Too awful to contemplate.
Where's that Patricia Hewitt?

7:04 pm  
Blogger tony said...

you always run the risk of getting a Slipped Disc in FOPP!!!!!!

8:20 pm  
Blogger todaysdaze said...

What I don't understand is the whole "no cell phones" in hospital.......I recently needed emergency surgery and living in Florida, I had quite a few hospitals to choose from.
The hospital I chose was close to home and more like a classy hotel.
I am sure they have the latest "
up to the minute" equipment as they are run like a business. While I was in the ER I used my
cell phone constantly as did many others. There were no signs up asking us not too....Nothing saying they must be switched off etc.
It did not seem to make the hospital blow up or cause deaths etc.
Once I had all the tests I needed and was admitted I was transferred to a room which had its own TV bathroom and phone. The phone could be used for incoming and unlimited FREE outgoing local calls.
Admittedly the medical bill sent to my insurance company was about $75,000 in total, but the hospital was very clean, and no sign of that dreaded killer disease that is running rife in hospitals back home in England.

4:08 am  
Blogger TimeWarden said...

I dread becoming ill during the thirteen weeks a year when “Doctor Who” is on! Luckily, I’ve managed to catch the stinking cold two weeks before it starts!!

6:38 am  
Blogger KAZ said...

Tony:
Probably from carrying home all the bargains.

Today's:
Thank God you had insurance.
Interesting about the bugs - It doesn't cost anything to wash your hands.
As for the mobiles (cell phones) there's still prejudice against them over here. Patients are allowed to rent TVs which are often disruptive on the wards.

Timewarden:
Obviously got your priorities right.
Don't you fancy being tucked up in bed with the Doctor?

7:56 am  
Blogger todaysdaze said...

Yes, thank goodness for the insurance, although the company I work for had just changed their policy provider. Had I have had the surgery 2 weeks earlier and I would have only had to pay $500 deductable, unfortunately it was 2 weeks into the new policy and it ended up costing me $2500!
As for a ward, I was in my own room, which was great as I was not woken by the usual snoring!!!!!

9:25 am  
Blogger KAZ said...

td:
I would defend our NHS to the death.
But I hope it doesn't happen in one of their hospitals.

11:31 am  
Blogger Ackworth Born said...

My mother-in-law died about a year ago. I forget what the number was, but I was quite taken aback when told the number of people who had died at the hospital that weekend.

12:07 pm  
Blogger Ruby in Bury said...

I am surprised that you omitted to mention hospital gowns. That's probably one of the number one reasons I hate hospital. When you're about to have an op or examination, why do they give you a garment which flaps open at the back to reveal your arse, even when said op or examination is nothing whatsoever to do with your arse?

I would rather just be naked.

As long as the doctor was as well.

7:17 pm  
Blogger KAZ said...

Gerald:
That's very scary.

I suppose they are at a disadvantage as people only go there when they're ill.

Ruby:
I'm probably in denial about hospital gowns. Too humiliating.

Haven't they heard of Velcro?

8:59 am  

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