Tuesday, April 10, 2007

Kitchen goddess

Up early for long strenuous walk in sun and wind.

Home - dashed out to Tesco - recycled three tons of old teaching notes.
VERY Cathartic.

Returned to kitchen still energised in mind and body. Recalled that the floor tiles used to be pale grey. Horrid squeegee thing mop just moves dirt from one place to another - so got down on hands and knees with srubbing brush.

No chance of getting MRSA or Clostridium difficile in my kitchen.

Was it 6 oclock yet? YES
Poured large glass of cooool Sauvignon and checked latest post - some interesting comments…thanks
Another Sauvignon? Why not?
Read some more blogs and left some comments

Peckish work. Grabbed wok, got wrist in action.
Oil ran out

Opened posh pretentious foodie oil from Sainsbury’s deli shelf with unnecessarily ostentatious Budweiser type top.

Manipulative skills lacking - didn’t close it properly.
Bottle fell on floor with sickening crack.
Oil slick spreading all over clean tiles.
Kaz sliding around like Orville in desperate need of Dean.
My little slippers were living up to their name.

Yards of kitchen roll and a cut hand later - decided to check my permitted alcohol units:
I can have 14 units of alcohol per day week.
The site tells us ‘The 'typical housewife', who shares a bottle of wine with her husband every night, will run into trouble if they do it for long enough.'

Lessons to learn:
4Don’t cook when drunk
4Don’t share your bottle of wine with husband
4Stick with ASDA economy cooking oil
4Spend money you save on top quality kitchen towels with thirst pockets.




Blogger Roses said...

My learning outcome of your blog post has been fairly successful. Except I have failed the first point. Again.

10:33 am  
Blogger stitchwort said...

Oh dear. Milk is also good for getting the kitchen floor washed. Or the floor of the car.

11:38 am  
Blogger I, like the view said...

I have a question. . . (if you'll permit me)

"was it six o'clock?" AM or PM?


you're putting me to shame on the housewife front; please desist

*goes back to ironing pile*


12:15 pm  
Blogger Z said...

A typical housewife (?) SHARES a bottle of wine with her husband? Honestly, if there was ever an incentive to live alone...

12:26 pm  
Blogger Dave G said...

Some of my best creations were given birth under the banner of G&T in fact somewhere in the house I have a "cooking when under the influence" book (A present)trouble is I only look for it when pissed so as yet I havn't discovered it's whereabouts.

1:18 pm  
Blogger KAZ said...

Well at least you can console yourself with the correct kitchen towel.

No use crying over it is there?
As the saying goes.

Six o'clock? Well it depends where you are in the world.
As the other saying goes 'It's always six o'clock somewhere'.

Ironing? I haven't done any since 1999.

And if anyone needs a full bottle it must surely be 'a typical housewife'.

Hee hee! Nice one.
When you find it - can I borrow it please?

1:34 pm  
Blogger Murph said...

I was going to ask about the 6am! And the fact that you look just like Nigella in your picture Kaz.
They have a bottle each in this house which save arguements - well oiled in the kitchen!
Couldn't you find a pic of lovely Orville?

1:46 pm  
Blogger MJ said...

Take a tip from me and hide your liquor.

2:37 pm  
Blogger Betty said...

Dropping olive oil on the floor is among the top ten worst things to do in a house. It takes about two hours of scrubbing before the floor stops being an ice rink. It only happened to me once, and I wasn't even drunk. Bloody Sainsbury's and their pretentious bottle tops ...

3:58 pm  
Blogger KAZ said...

Nigella, Joanna - we're all posh totty here.

At least 'they' manage to live in the same house - more than can be said for me.

Orville? (blushes) - that was a genuine mistake.

Thanks - but can you tell me how to hide its effects?

Good - we'll blame Sainsbury's instead of the Sauvignon.
I'll stick to Netto from now on.

4:33 pm  
Blogger Anxious said...

You're so right about those squeegee mops. Scrubbing brush and floor cloth is the only way, really...

What a tragedy about the poncey oil though - I would have cried...

5:04 pm  
Blogger Geoff said...

I'd rather watch Christopher Dean and a duck sliding across the kitchen floor than watch the chuffin' ice skating.

5:13 pm  
Blogger MJ said...

If you STAY drunk, everyone will just think that's your personality.

6:34 pm  
Blogger Flaming Nora said...

On moving from my native north-east to live in London in 2001 it became apparant to me immediately that Nigella Lawson is considered by the North London contingent of which I was sucked into, that she is a goddess and must be worshipped. Bollocks to that.

7:31 pm  
Blogger KAZ said...

It was the 'self medication' that prevented the crying.

How about Keith Harris and Torville?

Agree about the skating - except I used to like that bloke with the big bum who did the solo stuff like a ballet dancer.

Sounds like good advice - so the 6am or 6pm doesn't matter - does it?

Bollocks to anyone whose dad cosied up to Thatcher.

8:48 pm  
Blogger Beth said...

yup, my first thought was the "am or pm?" one ...

10:10 pm  
Blogger MJ said...

As I always say, regardless of the time, "Somewhere in the world it's Happy Hour."

11:52 pm  
Blogger KAZ said...

Sometimes I worry about you lot!

You're my kinda gal.

7:35 am  
Blogger Arabella said...

Will someone tell that Nigel girl to get fitted for a proper bra.

4:09 pm  
Blogger Ackworth Born said...

so you go to Tesco, Sainsbury AND Asda!
I vaguely recall I week or so ago watching one of those psuedo-science progs on probably one of the freeview channels where they tested the slipperiness of various oils. baby-oil was the least dangerous and cooking-oil the most lethal! Slipping on spilt oil is apparently the cause of a lot of visits to A&E

take care now

4:46 pm  
Blogger KAZ said...

Please be reasonable - Nigel recently wed Mr Charles Saatchi.
He is a multi millionaire, but those bra fitting sessions don't come cheap.

Your information has made me quiver with fright. My fear of hospitals does not fit in with my love of olive oil.
What do you suggest - I can't do stir fry with baby oil - perhaps some lard or beef dripping.

8:57 pm  
Blogger stitchwort said...

And just how is Nigella keeping that garment up? There don't appear to be oily or floury fingermarks where she's hitched it up. Sell*tape? Glue? Staples?
And have you actually tried baby oil for the stir-fry?

10:25 pm  
Blogger I, like the view said...

(I'm glad Gerald has indirectly reminded me that shopping is the safest activity, as you pointed out a while back)(hey! it's Happy Hour in Tokyo. . .)

9:16 am  
Blogger KAZ said...

Stitch: I just wish I had her problems in that department.

I'm not very keen on babies but I wouldn't go so far as to stir fry one.

OK - no more cooking and cleaning, let's jet over to Tokyo!

9:27 am  
Blogger Drunk Mummy said...

I wholeheartedly agree with the warning "Don't cook when drunk" so I never do. (Cook, that is). Also, in my own humble experience a "typical housewife" will fight to the death before she gives up any of her wine to her husband.

3:45 pm  
Blogger KAZ said...

Hello drunk mum and 'cheers' to you too.
If God had meant us to cook she wouldn't have invented microwaves and given us Sauvignon!

7:25 pm  

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