Monday, May 14, 2007


After reading this headline in the METRO, I began to consider the benefits of being a shortarse.

As you know by now, I am flat, thin and short.
Just a tiny bit shorter than Kylie, but every bit as cute in a shabby, swotty, bag lady, blue stockinged, wrinkled, elderly ex science teacher sort of way.

I'm about the same height as Dolly - though there the resemblance most definitely ends.

When I played Patsy, I had to wear very high heels and pile up my hair on top.
I can't do much about flat - but thin is maintained by avoiding chips, biscuits, burgers and cakes. I stick to the Sauvignon and avoid the 'Old Peculiar' especially when he's playing his guitar.

If airlines drew up a careful seating plan they could put an obese person in the seat next to me with no trouble...unless of course s/he tried to engage me in conversation.

My clothes take less cotton or polyester and give off less CO2 when they burn.

A physicist using the equation H = mcΔT will tell you that it takes less energy to warm me up.

So - How about lower taxes for people like Kaz and Kylie?


Labels: , ,


Blogger I, like the view said...

but where would that leave tallish, but equally flat, people like me?

I'm trying to work out some equation based on taxation proportional to body mass, or inversely proportional to one's cup size (would need to have a sub-equation for the male of the species), only I haven't had enough caffeine/nicotine yet this morning

*goes off for a fag*

9:10 am  
Anonymous m and j said...

Tall but flat people? You mean freaks?

Yay! for short-arses - like Kaz, Kylie and Cute Wee Me!

10:54 am  
Blogger Geoff said...

Cyril Smith won his seat with a large swing from Labour.

They threw in a large slide for free just in case he got bored.

1:38 pm  
Blogger MJ said...

I'm even shorter than John aka Piggy aka Cute Wee Me.

Does that make me a short arse too?

3:35 pm  
Blogger Dave G said...

I have to ask, How often do you burn your clothes?

4:50 pm  
Blogger tony said...

the resaon he is smiling is because Jeremy Thorpe is sat behind him...............

5:26 pm  
Blogger Anxious said...

Not fair!
How can I help the fact that I'm 5ft10? Answer me that!

And your "warming up" theory is slightly flawed - with a layer of external insulation, your more portly chums will need less warming up than you.

7:20 pm  
Blogger KAZ said...

That's easy you can be a super model.
Watch out Claudia and Kate

m and j:
Welcome to my side of the Pennines.
I knew Napoleon reminded me of someone.

You should do stand up! You look the part.

You have to be shorter than Kylie.
John's (?) a bloke so he's allowed to be a bit bigger.

You know I'm hot stuff. *Burn baby burn*.

Let's not go there. the Thorpe scandal is one I'll never forget.

True but I bet you're lovely with it. So we'll make an exception.

Correct - I'm always cold.

8:01 pm  
Blogger Murph said...

Thorpe was busy beaming up Scottie.

A height and weight factor in income tax would reflect wear and tear on the health surface and roads.

I'm only 18" tall, by the way.

8:05 pm  
Blogger I, like the view said...


but where does that leave us on the taxation issue. . .


6:47 am  
Blogger KAZ said...

Can I have that in metric please?

Probably nowhere as Gordon is a big chap.
I feel a petition coming on.

9:55 am  
Blogger Murph said...

I don't do meters. I believe it's a regular source of income in parts of Manchester though.

6:41 pm  
Anonymous NiC said...

Being of your stature may mean you require less warming up but presuambly your surface area to mass ratio is higher than a rounder person so you lose more heat more easily.

This may be why you're always cold (or it could be because you've burnt all of your clothes...and by the way, they give off even less CO2 if you don't burn them in my experience ). :)

7:38 pm  
Blogger KAZ said...

Be fair - we need the dosh to buy our drugs, guns and Sauvignon.

Your grasp of Physics is very impressive.
From now on I shall recycle all my clothes - do you think Kylie would like a grey wooly jumper and a pair of well worn navy joggers?
Better than all that rubbish in the V & A.

10:06 pm  
Blogger Saffyre said...

*sigh* I'm neither short, thin nor flat....does ths mean i'm screwed?

7:15 am  
Anonymous NiC said...

Heh, heh, absolutely....Kylie must be after another new look about now so I'm sure your once used wardrobe would be much appreciated. :)

8:30 am  
Blogger KAZ said...

Welcome back.
Sounds like you must be curvy.

*Fumes with jealousy*.

Another coincidence.
I found out today that Kylie (the exhibition) is coming to the City Art Gallery in Manchester on June 30th.

er - Is it Art?

6:09 pm  
Blogger Roses said...

Or a poster sale?

10:37 pm  
Blogger KAZ said...

Kylie certainly isn't small on the poster outside the museum. It's about 10ft tall.
Sorry that's not in metric.

7:24 am  

Post a Comment

<< Home