Thursday, August 09, 2007

Come Fly with me

This is a bit like Betty's 'Spot the Difference'. Though it's a bit different - as you will spot.

15.1 million passengers caught cheap flights out of Britain last month.

Can YOU spot the difference between these two routes?

In the RED corner - Ryanair ... Liverpool to Girona




In the BLUE corner - Monarch Airlines ...Manchester to Barcelona



To catch the Monarch flight (one per day) you have to get up before you go to bed - even though Manchester Airport is only a short taxi ride away.

Thanks to Terrorvision, after a leisurely lie in you can get to John Lennon, have lunch in Wetherspoons at the airport and arrive in Girona for an early evening aperitif.

At Manchester airport you can drink Starbucks and buy designer luggage - Isn't it a bit late to buy your luggage at the airport?

The security is frightening and the stress levels are high.



At Liverpool airport you can buy embarrassingly tacky Beatles souvenirs. All scousers are comedians by law - so the entertainment comes free.

On my last visit the lad behind me in the checkout queue had brought his mum's passport instead of his own. He was very relaxed about it.

Eileen once turned up with an expired passport and they let her on the plane anyway.

Monarch has in flight entertainment on tiny tellies - always ancient episodes of 'Vicar of Dibley' or 'My family'. They also give you a reserved seat and free newspapers. The Daily Telegraph told me about Royals, Socialites and Sloanes - I read that Peter Philips is the first of the Queen's grandchildren to get married. What a lovely couple they make..



On a Ryanair flight there's nowt. After fighting off several koppite bastards to get a seat - you can buy a Pepsi or a Kitkat.

Both will sell you a glass of white wine.
Neither can manage a glass of cold white wine.

OOooh - Stop Press - Security news from Ryanair.



Thank god it was Monarch that got me safely home to Manchester - fully clothed.

KAZ

28 Comments:

Blogger garfer said...

Belfast International is now known as George Best Belfast International. This means you can get as pissed as you like before departure as long as you do a decent dribble.

6:44 pm  
Blogger MJ said...

Where's George?

7:14 pm  
Blogger Geoff said...

Airports should only be named after alcoholics. Looking forward to George W Bush International.

I never want to get up at a godforsaken hour to get a flight again. Easyjet are so much more accomodating than the old charter airlines.

But Vicar of Dibley and My Family! I bet you wanted the flight to go on forever.

8:02 pm  
Blogger KAZ said...

Garfer:
I wouldn't like to try and say *George Best Belfast International* when pissed!

That would really get you dribbling.

mj:
George is dribbling away on that huge football pitch in the sky.

It's much like Monarch airlines actually.

Geoff:
Easyjet doesn't fly from Manchester - a pity as I bet you get 'Last of the Summer Wine' or 'As Time Goes by'.

I'll look forward to KAZ Airport.

9:50 pm  
Blogger Mopsa said...

KAZ - I don't know how you do it! Where do you find these amazing images? By the way, is that me you are so kindly linking to on your sidebar? If so it seems to be going awol.

10:01 pm  
Blogger MJ said...

George Harrison, I mean. Or I suppose he could be dribbling with Best.

11:15 pm  
Blogger KAZ said...

Mopsa:
Oops!
The gremlins got in there - they've been chased off now.

mj:
It was a 'reduced item'.

You know what those Scousers are like.

7:56 am  
Blogger Old Wom Tigley said...

Kaz, that's the funnies thing I've read for ages and made me spit my coffee on the keyboard. I have had to use Jane's hair dryer to dry the bugger off before making this comment. I love your writing, your pictures are great, but your blog I visit for your great sense of humour. It just jumps out of the monitor slaps me about a bit and leave me feeling like I've been 'Tango'ed... Cheers.

I'm sure you will have... but have a great Weekend.

11:54 am  
Blogger Geoff said...

George is off Travelling with the Pillsbury Doughboys.

11:54 am  
Blogger Murph said...

Blimey, I'm late - Geoff's already on his third glass of Pinot Noir.

If the choice is sharing a toilet with 360 scouse comedians or getting up at 2am to look at brightly neon lit Mulberry Luggage I'm still one for "going out for days". Yarmouth is quite festive at this time of year, and the dropped chips are plentiful.

But 15.1 million people!!!! That's 1/4 of the population innit? No wonder they call the buses Terrorvision! What would our dear John have said?

"Imagine there's no heaven
It's easy if you try
One big dig below us
Above us only sky

You can say I'm a dreamer
But it's getting on my tits
Stuck up here 8 miles high
With loads of witty scouser gits"

12:22 pm  
Blogger KAZ said...

Wom:
I've always wanted to be Tango'd - you get such a great sun tan.

Geoff:
George and Roy will need a Ghostbuster where they are.

Murph:
Imagine there's no Yarmouth
And no discarded fries
No need for doggy tagging
So you could fly the skies

You can say I'm a dreamer
But if you were at this height
I think you'd be grateful
For some Bakers' Complete *****

2:00 pm  
Blogger Murph said...

Yay!

3:53 pm  
Anonymous NiC Somehwere hot'n'sticky said...

We flew Monarch to where we are now..but that was from Gatwick. Only the Monarch-Super customers got free newspapers on our flight. But they were Torygraphs and I'd already bought a Grauni so who cares!

4:35 pm  
Blogger KAZ said...

Murph:
Yay, Yay, Yay .. and one for George - Yay!

Nic:
So there (?) you are, I thought I'd 'lost' you.

They just put them out on the seats on the Manchester flights. There's the Indie as well (a tad boring methinks)

Hope you're having a fab time.

5:04 pm  
Anonymous betty said...

I doubt that I'll ever get on a plane again, the way things are going with security checks and suitcases getting lost and queues and terrorist threats and the possibility of being stuck on a three hour journey with loads of scousers.

So from now on it's a journey up to a guesthouse in Rhyl on the charabanc every year. Happy days!

7:45 pm  
Blogger KAZ said...

I wouldn't send a dead dog to Rhyl - but you can't beat a good charabanc... or sharrabang as it's knwon round ere.

11:40 am  
Blogger Liz said...

Hi Kaz,

I hadn't visited your blog for a couple of weeks and I had completely forgotten how witty it is. I loved your line about all scousers being comedians by law. Fortunately, I don't drink coffee so my keyboard did not suffer any ill effects from my laughing.

7:01 pm  
Blogger tony said...

Can I put a Good Word in for Blackpool Airport?.I was picking someone up from it a few weeks ago...its tiny!If Trumpton had an airport,it would look much the same i guess...........

12:00 pm  
Blogger KAZ said...

Liz:
How do you do that? Manage without coffee I mean?

I suppose it's the caffeine that keeps me off the hard drugs.

Tony:
I'll have a look at their routes.

Then I'll ask you to pick me up when I get back!

5:27 pm  
Blogger Roses said...

Next Saturday, I'll be dragging the Boy off to the West Indies. We fly XL Airways, which is always good for a laugh, but we fly from Gatwick, which has no sense of humour at all.

Unfortunately, XL doesn't fly to Trinidad, we have to go to Tobago first. Which is fine except after a 13 hour flight, kicking around a hot airport for several hours is not a lot of fun. At least there will be cheap beer.

XL, give you a fabulous free magazine which always has the best bits torn out, or the crossword done incorrectly by a previous passenger. Not to mention the dubious inflight meal.

8:44 am  
Blogger ziggi said...

We tend to fly Easy Jet because Himself is a cheap git. Once we flew BA and were upgraded and had champers out of real glass glasses and no-one threatened the pilot with them - it has spoiled me really, I yearn to be the sort of person that automatically turns left instead of the sort of person that has to sharpen her elbows to ensure Himself (6'42) gets the emergency exit seat sigh

3:46 pm  
Blogger Dx said...

Try parking at Glasgow. Best option is to take your 4x4 to check in.

6:22 pm  
Blogger KAZ said...

Roses:
Sounds exciting - have a fab time.

Ziggi:
At least Ryanair opens 2 exit doors to let you on and off the plane. Monarch can't be arsed with the rear one so it takes ages.

Upgrade sounds wonderful - I'd even cope with the Scousers for free champers.

Hi dx:
I'll polish up the bullbars immediately.

8:32 pm  
Anonymous Piggy and Tazzy said...

Is it time for a new post yet?

9:26 pm  
Blogger liits said...

I flew to Hamburg [actualy, it was Lunnaburg, which is half way to Moscow] with Ryanair. Two hours flying and two days to recover.
I also flew to Male [Maldives] with Monarch. Fourteen hours flying and I've still not recovered!

11:15 pm  
Blogger KAZ said...

P & T;
And what's wrong with the old one?

liits:
OMG! 14 hours on Monarch -Thank god I only went to Barcelona.
Rhyl is looking a tad more attractive each day.

6:51 am  
Anonymous NiC said...

Fear not, I am not lost!

Sadly, however, I am now back in the UK where it is raining. It did rain on us in Corfu for about five minutes but that was warm rain and I was in the pool anyway so it didn't matter.

8:09 am  
Blogger KAZ said...

NiC:
Well that's a relief. Welcome back.

I think we both missed summer here. It was last Tuesday.

8:22 am  

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