Thursday, January 24, 2008

Carrot and Stick

So the government has a cunning plan to eradicate obesity.
They are going to:-
i) give money to fatties who lose weight
ii) teach cooking in schools.

You’ve heard about the carrot and the stick. Well a carrot may help you lose weight - but I lost weight because eating chips gives me stomach ache and eating cake makes my teeth hurt.

I also apply Susan Powter’s mathematical fat formula which I go on and on about.

We already teach cooking in schools - perhaps you used to call it ‘Cookery’ or ‘Home Economics’ or ‘Domestic Science’. Now it’s ‘Food Technology’. During the past 5 years Kev visited many secondary schools as Mr Supersub - the supply teacher. He often commented on the hugeness and obeseness of the food technology teachers. Of course this was not a scientific statistically valid study - but it seems to me that anyone who teaches, thinks or earns a living from food is likely to become a bit obsessed.

Who would you choose to teach your kid cookery?

Clarissa Theresa Philomena Aileen Mary Josephine Agnes Elsie Trilby Louise Esmerelda Dickson Wright

or superslim Gary (what was he thinking?)

So here’s my advice :
1: Send Gordon round with a stick to use on fatties every time they eat a pie.
2: Teach an extra lesson of maths every week so that students can do the formula.

Forget the fee Gordon - it's my pleasure.

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Blogger The [Cherry] Ride said...

Who is this Gary person?

And is that what Jamie Oliver really looks like these days?

9:30 pm  
Blogger Oswegan said...

That last photo is creepin me out.

10:59 pm  
Blogger Rimshot said...

I believe you already know who I'd choose, but since you've given me the opportunity to chant her name once more...




oh, sorry...I was daydreaming again.

3:09 am  
Blogger Old Wom Tigley said...

Gary scared me in that picture Kaz... as for Gorden hitting Pie-Eaters... oh! dear I can feel the pain now.. I need to console myself with half a hovis and two of Hollands finest meat pies.

When you think of our parents eating lard butties and such like ...why were they not all tubsters?
I think this junks food, and processed rubbish as a lot to do with super sized school kids... Will teachers be getting paid more now class sizes are increasing. ;o)

4:18 am  
Blogger ziggi said...

bring back competitive games, and PE more than once fortnight - make it compulsory, make kids walk/bike to school, take away mobile phones so kids have to walk over to each other to talk, MAKE THE LITTLE B*GGERS MOVE - that should go some way to helping!

8:14 am  
Blogger Roses said...

Jaime's lost some weight. I saw him on that Eat well so you Don't Die Drowning in your own Disgusting Fat programme last weel. He's definitely half the man he used to be.

My first boyfriend was a chef. He was cuddly, obsessed with food and had rubbish diet.

I'd never eat at one of Gary's restaurants...a chef who doesn't enjoy his own food. Humpf.

8:48 am  
Blogger Betty said...

The only way to cut back on childhood obesity is to force feed children with laxatives at school, and encourage them to take up chainsmoking. Oh, and get Jamie to teach them drumming lessons. Drumming helps you work up a sweat, and it never did Keith Moon any harm, did it? Oops ...

8:59 am  
Blogger KAZ said...

Gary Rhodes - British chef with attitude.
Jamie is plumping up a bit - though this pic doesn't flatter.

Why can't he wear Y fronts like everyone else?

Your sex idol doesn't appear over here. Please don't send her as we already have enough celebrity chefs.

Give the pies a miss or I'll be round with the baseball bat.
I think they're more likely to increase door widths and chair sizes.

Oh - but competitive games are so competitiveand don't even mention PE.
Walking, biking, running and hunger .. OK

Apologies to Jamie - I didn't see that.
Your ex provides more evidence for my learned theory.

Ah yes - ban smoking everywhere except schools - I'll add that to my letter to Gordon. Fags and Senna pods instead of Jamie's school dinners.

9:37 am  
Blogger garfer said...

Why don't they just give out enemas instead of detentions. It would be much cheaper.

The thicker children should only be taught home economics. That way they'd all end up as articulate and well read as Jamie.

Gary Rhodes is obviously not vain. Spiky haired tosser.

10:14 am  
Blogger Murph said...

This is a horrendous post.

Firstly there's that Dawn French drowning those two puppies, then finishing with an image that police will be searching for in everyone's cache. The only good thing about Gary Rhodes is his expertise on pancake day.

10:20 am  
Blogger Geoff said...

I lost weight in my teens by just having a couple of ryvita with cheese and a refridgerated Mars bar for my tea.

Dawn French is about as sexy as Lenny Henry. And that's nothing to do with her weight.

1:22 pm  
Blogger stitchwort said...

Have they done a Health and Safety risk assessment of these cookery lessons?

Hot cookers, sharp knives, corned beef tins (only halal ones, of course) - should schools expose our innocent little ones to such dangers?

1:51 pm  
Blogger KAZ said...

They'd just say "Pukka Tucker" all day.
Gary Rhodes .. a spiky haired Tosser??
He's not that good!

You had me worried there until I realised you were referring to Sting.
I see you agree with Garfer about Gary.

Did 'refridgerating' the Mars Bar reduce the number of calories?

1:52 pm  
Blogger stitchwort said...

Oh, and I'm a stone and a quarter lighter than I was last September, by simply eating less.

1:53 pm  
Blogger Dave said...

I fail to understand the 'no pain no gain' label. The pain I am feeling at the moment seems due to my body trying to ensure that I lose a stone this week.

1:59 pm  
Blogger KAZ said...

Just missed you there.
As an ex science teacher I can confirm that severed fingers, blinding and asphyxiation are perfectly OK - as long as the Risk Assessment and the COSHH sheets have been filled in and signed.

Stitch 2:
And you did it all without financial incentive or extra cookery lessons.

2:00 pm  
Blogger KAZ said...

Everyone's sneaking in today!
Ha Ha ..very good - hope it doesn't hurt when I laugh.

2:02 pm  
Anonymous Rimshot said...

*greedily keeps Giada all to himself, sends Mario Batali in her stead*

5:11 pm  
Blogger ziggi said...

in that picture of Gary, is that his big toe sticking out at the bottom right or his . . .eh? eh? It isn't is it? surely not!

5:35 pm  
Blogger garfer said...

Har, har, har!

That's some chippolata. Our Gaz has hidden talents.

6:57 pm  
Blogger KAZ said...

Oh NO!
That is certainly a fine protruberance. Perhaps we should reassess Gary's assets.

Your interest seems a tad prurient for a full blooded hetero ( I was assured of your preferences by our ex pal mj)

7:22 pm  
Blogger garfer said...

I'm just jealous.

Gaz could lasso stampeding wildebeest with that schlong.

7:30 pm  
Blogger KAZ said...

..or stampede wild lasses ... don't worry - I bet he doesn't drive a Daimler!

7:34 pm  
Blogger MJ said...


I think not!

7:44 am  
Blogger KAZ said...

Welcome back - Blogland is a brighter place today (corny but true!)

9:57 am  
Blogger tony said...

All this Celeb-Chef stuff is odd.It's The New Rock&Roll?
(I Bet) if you run & switch the telly on, Bono will be cooking us Shepards Pie @ this very moment..........The World's Gone Mad!

1:29 pm  
Blogger Solipsist Solioquist said...

That is his toe sticking out the end of his Toga isn't it?

I would like to make sure that every obese child has read Lord Of The Flies in school so that they won't be surprised when the Apocalypse starts. We need those fatties to survive the Nuclear Winter. SSSh..loose lips and all that eh.

5:14 am  
Blogger KAZ said...

Did you see Midge Ure on Celebrity Master Chef?
He was very good - but strangely diminished.

Do I call you SS now?
Your headress suggests that you may be wearing a toga as well.

Interesting idea about survival of the fatties. Do you think they'll get the last laugh?

9:20 am  
Blogger Malc said...

I like the holy diet very much. I lost a lot of weight as a teenager by falling desperately in love with the prettiest, cleverest, most unobtainable girl in the school. I didn't eat properly for weeks on end. Wouldn't recommend it.

I'm just off to gouge my eyes out so I never have to see anything as ghastly as that picture of the simpering tosser Rhodes again.

10:00 am  
Blogger KAZ said...

I can empathise with that!
Having an unlucky experience in leurve took off pounds. When I got happy again I had to use discipline to avoid getting them back.

12:02 pm  

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