Thursday, April 17, 2008

THe Measure for MEN.

THE MEASURE (for blokes of a certain age)

I'm assuming that you are pasty faced and will never see 40 again.

With apologies to Weekend Guardian


Going UP

* Insouciance: No - not exactly the Don Johnson look - but something similar.
Crumpled, shapeless jacket made of linen or cotton - possibly with jeans and tee shirt.

* Big Coats: You don’t have to be a Lord Mayor - as Ken may soon discover when he has more time to spend with his children.

* Earrings: Daniel has two. But not the suit puleese.

* Muted Colours: Plus a bit of white - better the tee shirt than the hair - but Richard looks great.

* Boring shorts: Not too long like Kevin & Perry and not too short - behave - you'll be wearing a thong next! Oh - and don't keep your tool kit in the pockets.

* Man at H&M: Great gear.

Going DOWN

X Man at C&A: Gone for ever - You will never wear Angelo Litrico again!

X Buttercup yellow, cherry red, strawberry pink, lime green, African violet. Avoid fruit and flowers. Remember that key word 'muted' stick to olive, chocolate, charcoal or even navy.
If you want to play golf - just piss off - NOW!

X Scrawny necks: Yes men have them too - try a casual scarf in a muted colour. Cotton or silk in summer. One of these blokes is a rich spoiled darling of the international jet set. The other is the son of Princess Caroline of Monaco.

X Shirts tucked into jeans: NO no no no - never ever - unless you have a figure like Antony Perkins in 'Psycho'.

X Footy shirts: Especially red ones?

KAZ

Labels:

38 Comments:

Blogger Vicus Scurra said...

And there was me thinking that the measure of a man was not giving a flying fuck about any of this.
I am grateful for your advice, and will discard it with love.

12:42 pm  
Blogger Murph said...

So you're saying that Jeremy Clarkson playing Golf is not the thing to aim for?

Thank goodness for my big black coat.

12:58 pm  
Blogger MJ said...

Who is Daniel Day-Lewis's upholsterer?

1:26 pm  
Blogger Geoff said...

I'd rather see a footy shirt than a rugger shirt.

And I'd rather say "footy" than "rugger".

Are checked shorts ok, Kaz? Don't tell me I need a new wardrobe.

1:39 pm  
Blogger Betty said...

Does the Insouciance look involve men having to wear white espadrilles with no socks, fake tanned ankles and rolled up trousers? I hope not.

2:36 pm  
Blogger KAZ said...

Vicus:
You have such a wonderful way of making a girl feel bad.
I console myself that you look wonderful anyway.

Murph:
That sums it up kid!
Ever think of standing for Lord Mayor?

mj;
Good thing his wife didn't go for the Hawaiian two piece.

Geoff:
But would you rather say "footer" than "ruggy"?

Checked shorts Geoff? Hmmm - OK if the checks are nearly the same colour as in 'black and grey' not 'black and yellow'.
Betty will be the judge.

Betty:
As I may have mentioned before - I am not very good at discussing below the belt matters.
A white foot in a sandal is not a pretty sight - but it must be better than what you describe.

3:24 pm  
Blogger Donn said...

Whew..
when I saw the tape measure I thought Oh Boy, I should just send you this....

http://www.steadyhealth.com/Penis
_size_chart_so_all_you_guys_
will_actually_know_how__
quot_big_quot__you_really_
are_t135704.html

It always drove me crazy that Sonny Crockett never wore any socks.

5:13 pm  
Anonymous Rimshot said...

I wish you'd have posted this before I went and purchased a new suit, a couple of shirts and ties and a belt... sigh... and they told me the DDL looks was 'in' this year.

5:44 pm  
Blogger KAZ said...

Donn:
So the record is a foot long - ouch!
Love the advice to 'print out the chart and compare' rather than just measure.

No socks?
It’s more a Miami thing than a Winnipeg thing.

Rimshot:
The suit etc. will be fine for work and weddings etc.
The DDL - OK -but only between consenting adults.

Now how about that crumpled jacket?

8:18 pm  
Blogger Dave said...

I anticipated some useful advice here; instead, what do I find but an accurate description of my wardrobe.

7:43 am  
Blogger Eamon said...

Oh dear, need to do some re-thinking about things ..

9:48 am  
Anonymous NiC said...

Don Johnson has got his teeshirt tucked into his trousers....I knew he was wrong (or maybe just a psycho!).

Glad to hear Ken is a fashion icon as well as a political one.

PS: The only football shirt I own is a very old AC Milan one (bought simply for its red and black) which I nowadays only wear when they've beaten an English club that one of my friends supports.

10:19 am  
Blogger KAZ said...

Dave:
I hope you haven't taken the crumpled look too far.
And I don't think I mentioned flat caps - ironic or not.

Eamon:
Don't we all?
Did you ever wonder why I don't post a picture of myself?

NiC:
I think - just maybe - there may be a case for the retro foreign football shirt. Italy or Brazil only.

Fingers crossed for Ken.

12:08 pm  
Blogger CyberPete said...

I'm with you most of the way Kaz

but not ALL the way. I have red and pink t-shirts although I rarely wear them.

It's not my fault that colour agrees with me

Stay away from YELLOW nobody looks good in YELLOW

12:53 pm  
Blogger Old Wom Tigley said...

oh! dear... then I suppose I'll have to stop wearing one of THESE then now.. :O(

I thought I looked great...

1:36 pm  
Blogger MJ said...

Of course you have a pink shirt, CyberPoof.

*shoots knowing glance at Kaz*

1:40 pm  
Blogger KAZ said...

Pete:
I'm just mad about Saffron
Saffron's mad about me


Except she's not - as you say - Yellow is no good for anyone - not even Shirley Bassey.

Wom:
Well - perhaps in a muted shade.
On second thoughts - NO NO NO!

mj:
Receives knowing glance and replies with Gallic shrug

1:54 pm  
Blogger Dave said...

Yes, what is your advice about hats?

2:22 pm  
Blogger KAZ said...

A big oversized teacosy type like the brown one worn by your girlfriend in your post yesterday.

4:13 pm  
Blogger Dave said...

Thank you. If only she was my girlfriend.

4:36 pm  
Blogger ziggi said...

I was going to comment my full agreement and then I got to the last one - - - you're just jealous because we're going to win the premiership

3:28 pm  
Blogger KAZ said...

Dave:
Is there a chance for you?
Or is she spoken for?

Ziggi:
Yes - of course I'm jealous - but rather you than a red team from Merseyside.

5:45 pm  
Blogger Dave said...

She is single, but given that I'm technically old enough to be her father, realistically, no.

7:16 am  
Blogger KAZ said...

Dave:
Age gap isn't necessarily a problem - as long as you remember what happened to Paul McCartney!

10:36 am  
Blogger Flaming Nora said...

Yes, there's no fool like an old fool.

12:59 pm  
Blogger Dave said...

If there is one thing that I can be sure of, it's that no-one is going to be after me for my money.

1:32 pm  
Blogger KAZ said...

Nora:
It's OK, Dave's only 37.

Dave:
I bet that's what Macca thought.

4:29 pm  
Blogger Malc said...

Where do blue boiler suits, flourescent jackets and rigger boots fit in all this?

Don't tell Geoff about my wardrobe stuffed with old RUGBY shirts (warm and comfortable, much like their owner). 'Rugger' indeed. Tsk!

12:13 am  
Blogger T-Bird said...

You know, that Prince of Monaco looks a little bit like Jessica Simpson.

8:35 am  
Blogger KAZ said...

Malc:
Mmmm - I love the sound of the boiler suit and boots - but the fluorescent jackets are a bit ubiquitous (common).

It's OK - Geoff will be a work today.

T-bird:
I think he'd rather look like Jessica than Homer!

9:43 am  
Blogger tony said...

I sit here in my Jeremy Kyle Show T-Shirt & suddenly i feel silly..............

12:01 pm  
Blogger KAZ said...

It might bring a fortune on ebay.

9:12 pm  
Blogger The Poet Laura-eate said...

A good list Kaz. To which I would add the following items (for chaps of any age really);

Socks with sandals (ugh!)

Pot belly (if we're supposed to keep in shape for you, you're not allowed to go to seed either!)

Baseball caps (ugh!)

The grizzled look - a trimmer for those Leylandi eyebrows, ears and noses which begin to strike most men over 45 is a must!

Loss of interest in personal grooming generally.

Most beards (though the odd goatee or well-trimeed moustache can be quite classy)

Pringle or any other garishly clashing sweater that makes me dizzy looking at it.

And if you're losing your hair, please forget the combover and face facts. Either get a decent short haircut or invest in a decent hairpiece (ie a genuinely undetectable one that has been professionally fitted/matched to your original hair as closely as possible and which cost more than £10 from the back of a magazine!)

5:22 pm  
Blogger KAZ said...

Laura:
Thanks for the contribution.
Move over Trinnie and Susannah here come Laura and Kaz!

10:19 pm  
Blogger Kimberly said...

I always have trouble w/ men my own age (30s) or younger. They bore the shit out of me! Give me an older man any day. Someone I can talk to, that's been around and can teach me things that I never knew that I never knew.
That's what is sexy.....To me anyway!

8:11 am  
Blogger KAZ said...

Kimberley:
How about Keef Richards?

9:02 am  
Blogger The Poet Laura-eate said...

I've never purposely dated older men - they've tended to go for me.

But I would say beware of getting involved with an older man who's had a major health crisis - particularly heart attack or stroke. Not only could you wind up being his carer at an age you are not ready to, but the physical side of the relationship is almost guaranteed to be pretty disappointing too - another aspect you may not be ready to face in your 20s/30s/40s. And even with an older man who's looked after himself, the age gap will eventually come between you more likely than not as people at different stages in their lives will often genuninely have different desires/needs, however much effort they make in the intial stages of the relationship to accomodate the other person.

I'd advise any woman don't date any man more than ten years your senior max no matter how much you like them, much though I can identify with Kimberley's difficulty in finding interesting/available men my own age (38).

11:33 am  
Blogger KAZ said...

Laura;
Great advice - you should write an agony aunt column.
The problem is - when you fall in love it's hard to be objective.

I tend to fall for younger men.
Immature? Moi?

5:26 pm  

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