Monday, August 04, 2008

NOTOX


You probably saw this pic in your tabloid.

Super sexygenarian Helen Mirren looks fab in her bikini but we are assured that she doesn't do botox or photoshop.

I can't help noticing that hubby kept his clothes on.

But Helen has always been keen to get her kit off. Remember that scene in 'The Cook, the Lion, the Wardrobe and her Lover '?


You may think that Helen's contemporaries such as Joanna, Kaz, Sharon, Lulu, Meryl, Sigourney and Camilla are pleased about this.

NO WAY.


Pics like this invite odious comparisons and raise expectations.


BUT - if Helen does it all by exercise and diet - lets see what we can do to make it as easy as possible for the rest of us eh?


1: EXERCISE.

[Blog and jog at the same time.]



['Reduce corpulence' and cure your gout.]

2: WEIGHT LOSS:

2 shillings (10p) buys you this SOAP. Just use it on the bits you want to minimise and carry on eating the pies.


'Rebuff a cream puff' with 'Ayds'.


If all else fails you can depend on the Sanitised Tapeworm.

Note there's no need for baths.


........ Oh and if you go too far - how about this?? Happy to help ... KAZ

Labels:

31 Comments:

Blogger stitchwort said...

That Helen Mirren looks much older than me - her hair's grey....

4:41 pm  
Blogger CyberPete said...

Her arms look a bit like Madonnas.

Poor Helen!

Does the vigor's horse-action saddle come with any sort of attachments?

4:46 pm  
Blogger MJ said...

I was blogging from bed in the middle of the night.

How many calories does that burn?

5:08 pm  
Blogger MJ said...

p.s. Now I can't post my "Ayds" ad that I had planned for this week.

*sulks*

Does sulking burn calories?

5:10 pm  
Blogger tony said...

Are You Sure It's a Bikini? Maybe it's United's New Strip?

9:16 pm  
Blogger KAZ said...

Stitch:
It certainly looks grey - though I'm sure she'd call it ash blonde.
You are one of the lucky ones who doesn't need the chemicals.

Pete:
Now don't be bitchy about Madonna. She's doing her best to look fifteen.

What sort of attachment had you in mind?
Probably best not to answer that one.

mj:
Depends how many fingers you use to type.

mj(2)
Of course you can.

We only share Pete, Tony, Garfer, Geoff and Betty and once in a while wee Piggy.
No one important there.

Tony:
Many would love to see Ronaldo in that.
But not me.

9:54 pm  
Blogger MJ said...

Thanks, Kaz. I'll hold on to it for awhile and surprise you one day.

In any case, Piggy's on hols and Garfer's probably passed out drunk by now in case I change my mind.

10:44 pm  
Anonymous 'Shot said...

Yay Helen, if you've got it...

of course she's no Jane Seymour.

10:45 pm  
Blogger Ackworth Born said...

I can't help but notice she shaves her armpits but it is past my bedtime.

11:32 pm  
Blogger Dave said...

I get my blogging exercise walking to the library, now I now longer have the internet at home.

What with that, and my special anti-stone diet (which is doing nothing to stop stones, it appears [would tape worms be an answer, I wonder?]) the pounds are falling off, and I look more like Dame Helen every day.

8:58 am  
Blogger Old Wom Tigley said...

That pictuire looks'photoshoped'...
Where can a buy Tape worms... and do they measure up.:O)

9:25 am  
Blogger KAZ said...

mj:
OK
I hope Garfer has a bad head this morning.
Serves him right.

'shot:
or KAZ .......or Stitch (see above)

Gerald:
She has rather muscular armpits hasn't she?

Is that possible?

Dave:
I think we need a new photo to prove that.
Bikini not essential.

9:25 am  
Blogger KAZ said...

Wom:
We synchronised.
I agree - especially round the thighs.

At the tape worm shop.
Only in inches.

9:27 am  
Blogger Betty said...

I prefer an old fashioned approach to keeping my slim, taut, girlish figure. Half a grapefruit for breakfast and a two hour session with the Bullworker.

Mind you, that picture has reminded me that I need to do something about my "ash blonde" roots, which need touching up.

10:40 am  
Blogger I, like the view said...

how about just eating Waldorf Salad* and walking everywhere (the money saved on running a car/bus fares pays for the occassional trip to the hairdresser to get my roots done)

* obviously being addicted to fags** keep my appetite at bay (altho I know it's not very healthy)

**cigarettes

11:01 am  
Blogger CyberPete said...

maybe so but when you've turned 70 it not attractive anymore

11:04 am  
Blogger Murph said...

The woman turning down a "turnover" is actually preparing to grab him by the nipples.

And I think most reputable Kebab Retailers still offer Tape Worms free with every meal.

12:30 pm  
Blogger Geoff said...

Helen's hubby is more Cameron than Brown. He's not wearing a jacket. He will go far.

Is she doing a "Robert Mitchum" or is that a naturally toned stomach?

1:41 pm  
Blogger KAZ said...

Betty:
In the absence of an avatar - I couldn't possibly comment on your girlish appearance.

But I know you wouldn't lie to me.

I solved the problem by dying it ash blonde all over.

View:
Just go easy on the Waldorfs.

You and Kate Moss - like sisters eh?

Pete:
Do you mean smoking?
My mum gave up at 60ish.
I never started.

Murph:
Gosh you're right .. and look at the length of those nails. Poor waiter that'll make the turnover turn over.

Good - I presume they are OK for vegetarians.

Geoff:
(or should I call you 'The Bullworker'?) - a site that linked to this post tells me that "Helen came third in the sexiest stomach poll, which was carried out by stomach-flattening supplement AntiBloat".


Now that's a bit better than an Oscar isn't it?

2:44 pm  
Blogger CyberPete said...

I never started either. I tried once but ended up behind a bush in my parents yard hurling.

If something that vile was kool, then and there I decided I wasn't going to be kool.

4:07 pm  
Blogger BEAST said...

she's not half bad for an old bag , but she is no Old Knudsen

6:27 pm  
Blogger ziggi said...

Ha! I have a horse-action saddle with an attachment! A horse! Can't say it works though cos I have more to show than HM.

I think that's Princess Di with Ayds. Probably what did for her cos you don't hear much about her these days.

I think probably the soap is the secret. I base this on science.

7:21 pm  
Blogger garfer said...

All forms of exertion and exercise are very dangerous and should be avoided at all costs.

Avoidance of work and the regular consumption of tea cakes and whisky is my recipe for the elixir of youth.

I have a 83 year old neighbour who swears by 20 B&H a day. I regard her as a health guru.

Helen's not looking so bad for an auld bint, but these thesps spend most of their time idling so it's not that surprising.

7:36 pm  
Blogger KAZ said...

Pete:
I've always wanted to smoke.
But I was too scared as I have an addictive streak.
It didn't keep me off the booze though.

Hi Beast:
Fancy a vodka?

No one could match Knudsen's libido - of course.
But - has anyone actually seen his birth certificate?

Ziggi:
Perhaps you should dismount and run behind.

It does look like Di. I'll send it to the Daily Express.

That soap is the answer to all our problems.
D'ya think it'll work on my double chin?

Garfer:
Thank God you are here and you didn't take offence at my comment to mj.
Though come to think of it you thoroughly deserve it for using the term 'auld bint'.

I have it on good authorituy that Dame Helen swears by the health giving properties of Tunnocks.

9:14 pm  
Blogger CyberPete said...

I have a very addictive nature too. If I like something there is no stopping me.

Although I successfully quit drinking coca cola over a year ago. YAY!

5:22 pm  
Blogger KAZ said...

Yay!
You'll have good teeth now.
I gave up ice cream.

9:29 pm  
Blogger Z said...

Wasn't it Maria Callas who deliberately infected herself with a tapeworm to lose weight?

11:59 pm  
Blogger KAZ said...

Z:
Wow.
I didn't know that - it certainly worked didn't it?

And she could still sing a marvellous 'Casta Diva'.

9:15 am  
Blogger Flaming Nora said...

Where do you find these amazing pictures? From the nether regions of the internet? I'm scared.

7:47 pm  
Blogger Mopsa said...

Where do you find this stuff Kaz??? It's had me in stitches. That tape worm stuff is a new one on me. Perhaps I could see if some of the sheep have one to spare? But how do I sanitise it before I swallow??

9:20 pm  
Blogger KAZ said...

Nora:
If I'm searching for a specific pic and I find a good site I often save for later use.

Easier than writing.

Mopsa:
See above - I'd rather play on Google images than watch telly.

I can't think of any method of sanitising that wouldn't kill it. You could just stick it in the shower.

8:31 am  

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