Friday, September 19, 2008

The Accidental Tourist

Do you remember that great film 'The Accidental Tourist'? I also read the book by Anne Tyler.

The William Hurt character wrote books to advise people how to make flying bearable.

But this was before Ryanair - so here's my update.

1: Do NOT fly from Liverpool.

Although the staff are friendly (unlike Mancunians who defy the Northern stereotype) they all sound like Lily Savage on full volume with serious catarrh.
Where else would revenue and customs officers shout “Move along there guys and gerrrls"?

So do not consider Liverpool ...ever ... even if it's the cheapest or the only possible route.

Stay at home or get a bus to Blackpool or Bognor.

2: Select ‘on line check in'.

You will have to tick boxes saying that you packed your own case (no hold baggage allowed) and you don't know anyone called Bin Laden. Remember you will need access to the internet and a printer whilst you are away as you need to print out a boarding card 5 days before you fly. You could probably print out one for a few terrorists as well.

If you must fly Ryanair choose priority boarding and avoid this:



3: Choose reading matter with care.

Avoid those 3inch thick Airport blockbusters by Harlan Coben or Triumph over Tragedy novels entitled “My Dad called me Rover and kept me in a Kennel“.

You will need a dog eared old Penguin.


This ensures that no one will engage you in conversation.

4: Wear loose garments.


The low pressure in aeroplanes can cause bloating and they don't serve Activia on Ryanair.

5: Drink?

William Hurt said NO.
Kaz says - you'll need it.

Not on the plane - but a stiff one in the airport will help enormously.

Bon Voyage!

KAZ

29 Comments:

Blogger Dave said...

I'd recommend Norwich airport.

Unfortunately there are a limited number of destinations.

12:20 pm  
Blogger Vicus Scurra said...

Never avoid Harlan Coben.

12:27 pm  
Blogger KAZ said...

Dave:
Do they fly to Manchester by any chance?
Just in case you get bored.

Vicus:
Perhaps he's a bit like Marmite?

12:41 pm  
Blogger MJ said...

A stiff one ON the plane = Mile High Club, does it not?

1:01 pm  
Blogger stitchwort said...

Nice sheep....

1:09 pm  
Blogger Geoff said...

My old night school scriptwriting teacher used to bang on about the film The Accidental Tourist. He probably had never heard of Anne Tyler though as he was a bit naive (wondering why the council's theatre was called the Mandela Theatre).

I like Anne Tyler AND Harlan Coben.

Do they play Imagine at Liverpool Airport?

1:57 pm  
OpenID diddums said...

Hee hee hee. I remember how we avoided the crowds on one flight... we trailed way behind it. :-) By the time we got to the currency desk, the airport was lovely and quiet and there was no queue.

Since then I've never understood those who scramble to get out as quickly as possibly and 'avoid the rush'... because they never do. They ARE the rush.

2:33 pm  
Blogger Arabella said...

I've always assumed Liverpool airport is decorated with Diddymen statues. Is this the case?

Yup, Comme des Garcons design all my travel clothes. And that Activa yoghurt? Never, but never, eat this by accident when you er...don't need it.

3:00 pm  
Blogger garfer said...

My father once sat next to Enoch Powell on a flight. Enoch was reading Plato in Greek, as you do.

I wouldn't dream of flying from Liverpool. They might force me to eat scouse in the departure lounge, which wouldn't be a lorra lorra laffs.

3:52 pm  
Blogger Donnnnn said...

What about 'Fear Of Flying' by Erica Jung..
she mentioned something about a 'zipless' something or other...
I presume that she was referring to luggage.

3:54 pm  
Blogger CyberPete said...

You could do a still one at the airport and one during flight no?

To you know, cope.

I usually stay away from Ryan Air. I've been with them a few times without much incident except the staff wear tacky blue polyester uniforms and there is no leg room.

4:50 pm  
Blogger CyberPete said...

still = stiff

I got excited. Sorry.

4:51 pm  
Blogger KAZ said...

mj:
Only if you manage to unstiffen.
Preferably with an attractive person and probably in the toilet.

It could be what Donnnnn's on about below.

Stitch:
I specialise in sheep.
Last week I had a searcher looking for 'spray painted dyed blue ram sheep'.

It wasn't you was it??

Geoff:
I 'd like to see the film again, but it seems to have disappeared.

The Liverpool airport logo says 'John Lennon Airport - above us only sky' and the walls are covered with Beatle pics.

Diddums:
How sensible.
This will be no6 on the list.

Arabella:
No - just the fab four- all over the place.
You'd never know they split up nearly 40 years ago.

Hmm: I didn't think it was so Activia.

Garfer:
People used to make allowances for Enoch 'because he was dead clever'

There are 2 separate Wetherspoons in the Airport.
So that's one thing in its favour.

Donnnnn:
Oh yes!
I'd almost forgotten - and she said it was rarer than a unicorn.
Still we keep on trying.

Pete:
That would be nice - but I want to walk off the plane with dignity.

Nothing worse than a Scouser in a tacky blue polyester uniform.

Pete 2:
I thought for one moment you were suggesting a 'still' orange. But you know me better than that.

5:19 pm  
Blogger Steve said...

"My Dad called me Rover and kept me in a Kennel"... is that available on Amazon?

5:29 pm  
Blogger The Poet Laura-eate said...

You make me relieved I'm too broke to go anywhere Kaz!

I loathe that airport cattle thing.

5:33 pm  
Blogger KAZ said...

Steve:
I doubt it - but you could always try Pets"R"Us.

Laura:
Every cloud etc.
I always want to stsrt singing 'Rawhide'
Move 'em on, head 'em up,
Head 'em up, move 'em out,
Move 'em on, head 'em out Rawhide!

10:24 pm  
Blogger CyberPete said...

Still orange. Such a sad sad idea.

There is nothing like staggering down the aisle, hair in a mess and you can sort of make out the route towards the door.

Thank god they don't have those murderous stairs out on the tarmac anymore.

11:26 pm  
Blogger tony said...

Welcome Back To Blighty Gerrrl !
Oh, You might remember my experiences at Liverpool Airport a couple of months ago...........!
I flew from Blackpool Airport once.It was rather cool (& you fly quite near The Tower).Hey_Hoy! Liverpool is Still better than Manchester Airport!I see you brought the weather back with you!

1:15 am  
Blogger KAZ said...

Pete:
I've always wanted to walk off the plane and find a uniformed (not polyester) chauffeur waiting with a big board saying *KAZ*.

Tony:
Ta!
I fancy Blackpool airport - but I must defend Manchester.
Much more sophisticated than Liverpool.

Yeah - Wonderful weather. You don't need to thank me.

3:35 pm  
Blogger Ackworth Born said...

You've practically put me off flying for life. It isn't the bit in the air I fear but the bits either side!

10:00 am  
Blogger CyberPete said...

That would be awesome!

I've never experiences that either

8:09 pm  
Blogger KAZ said...

Gerald:
I'm OK about being in the air - as long as the person next to me doesn't start a boring conversation and turn me into a captive audience.

Pete:
Our day will come.

9:30 pm  
Blogger CyberPete said...

Of course it will.

Or maybe we just can't see the many banners because of those pesky paparazzos

7:00 am  
Blogger Murph said...

Sorry I'm late miss.

I was reading "My Dad called me Rover and kept me in a Kennel".

But Oz ate my homework.

6:44 pm  
Blogger Lubin said...

I always pay for priority boarding so I can get the seats with more leg-room.

Another tip - take your own food. Food on Ryan Air and EasyJet is muck (and they often run out anyway).

7:02 pm  
Blogger KAZ said...

Pete:
We can't help being fabulous.

Murph:
Well for you that book should be a good luck story. Especially if it was the 'far kennel'.
I know, I know - that's once too many for that old joke.

Oz can have some choccies to take the taste away.

Lubin:
The stuff they provide on Ryanair shouldn't be called food.
The girl next to me had soup(?) which was just monosodium glutamate solution. The smell persisted for the whole flight.

11:04 pm  
Blogger Doughboy said...

Perhaps take a nice novel by Ann Tyler. A good tip, always make sure your travelling companion has a good book cos if yours turns out to be dull you will be able to simply steal it off them.

I thought Liverpool airport was quite nice, better than Stanstead but then i've only been to both at 6am or 2am when i was half asleep. both better than the weird airports in europa all in the middle of nowhere with goats grazing by the side of the tarmac.

I say. Go by train. Take War & Peace. visit cornwall. and no war on the Mancs & scouse. tis a war they (we) are happy enough to conduct amongst ourselves. there is no need for you to interfere - unless you are from Yorkshire, of course.

5:55 pm  
Blogger KAZ said...

Hello Doughboy:
Just found you down here.

Sorry about Liverpool airport - it was being on the plane surrounded by noisy scousers that was bad for my delicate Manc sensibilities.

7:37 pm  
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3:26 pm  

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