Wednesday, November 19, 2008

The Big CHILL

An article in Today's Grauniad predicts sub zero temperatures for much of Britain this weekend. It will be worst in Scotland (as usual) but the least affected part of UK will be the North West.

Good news for Manchester.


But in another section we are told that male Mancunians have the lowest life expectancy of anywhere in England. For women it's Liverpool.


The article gives advice to older persons about keeping warm


Actually this is what they'll really be doing.

The article tells us that the 'Health PreventionAgency' has issued repeated advice to the over 65s to get a flu jab.

click to enlarge

Health Prevention Agency ???

Some may think this is just another of the Grauni's famous misprints.
I don't think so.
It's really a 'leak'. They've kept this agency secret for years but I spotted it a while ago.

Why pay out billions for pensions, bus passes and NHS hip replacements? A well organised 'Health Prevention' plan will be a key move in the goverment's strategy to beat the credit crunch.


Instead of the winter fuel allowance the 'Health Prevention Agency' will be providing meals on wheels ..........


...and a Christmas Bonus of 10 packs of Rothmans King Size.

You've heard of the Nanny state - but you didn't think it meant this Nanny



On website today - This article was amended on Thursday November 20 2008. The Health Prevention Agency that appeared above should have been the Health
Protection Agency. This has been changed.

Oh Yeah!

KAZ

Labels:

36 Comments:

Blogger garfer said...

Free fags for oldies would do much to reduce the financial burden on the state.

It wouldn't be the cancer that'd get them, it'd be standing outside pubs in the freezing cold having a puff.

They could stack them up and use them as traffic furniture. Come to think of it, they'd make good traffic bollards as they always wear colourful woolly hats.

9:44 pm  
Blogger CyberPete said...

Yikes, that looks bloody cold. They are expecting snow here on Friday.

----

By the way, congratulations! You've just won this fabulous award - head on over to my place to find out what it is.

9:49 pm  
Blogger tony said...

They Are Putting Poison in this years Flu_Jabs............(it's either poison or a paranoia-inducing drug!) Be Warned Oldies!!!

10:01 pm  
Blogger Ackworth Born said...

Just got my winter fuel payment - now I can get my wife a Nintendo DS for Xmas to keep her brain warm.

1:47 am  
Blogger KAZ said...

Garfer:
You are kindness itself - a new career as a woolly hatted bollard would make any old git feel valued by society.

Pete:
I should imagine Scandinavian snow is the real deal.
Thanks for the award (blushes)

Tony:
You still haven't confessed that you are 65 - otherwise how would you know about the flu jab?

Gerald:
Excellent.
So much better that wasting it all on drink like you usually do :)

7:08 am  
Blogger Dave said...

I should like to point out that, although technically I am a pensioner, I am not entitled to any heating allowance.

If Manchester is the most dangerous place for men to live, where's the safest? We could all move there.

7:36 am  
Blogger KAZ said...

Dave:
You're hot enough.

Kensington and Chelsea comes top by a mile. They live 10 years longer than Mancunians.
But I suppose they need to beware of Hurtling Hooray Henrys.
East Anglia wasn't mentioned - but Rutland is good.

9:09 am  
Blogger scarlet-blue said...

I used to call my fags 'lung warmers'...
Sx

10:45 am  
Blogger Geoff said...

The Health Prevention Agency has been subsidising McDonalds for years.

The idea is you get 'em while they're young so they don't reach the age when they'll be a burden on the state.

11:40 am  
Blogger Geoff said...

Why have I got a capital "G" all of a sudden?

11:41 am  
Blogger Steve said...

Will the Health Prevention Agency be supplying winter-wear for the oldies too? Purple shell suits and Nike's without laces? Actually, my grandfather's trousers are so baggy these days he's practically a member of the Happy Mondays.

12:34 pm  
Blogger I, Like The View said...

is that a photo of two frozen naked bodies, or a winter version of sand-sculpture (like an old fashioned snow-man)

(I Like The new capitalisation)

12:48 pm  
Blogger BEAST said...

I have just got back from Tesco , chocka block with old codgers , clogging up the tills buying value packs of werthers originals and tins of fruit salad. They have nothing to do all day , why oh why do they have to shop at lunchtime

1:11 pm  
Blogger KAZ said...

Scarlet:
Oooh I bet your lungs are a bit chilly now (as I presume the word 'used' means you have given up) .. so you'll have to knit some 'brightly coloured woolly' lung warmers.

Geoff:
It's all a cunning plan - it's a well known fact that if you say something's bad for you the kids will eat it.
So you don't hear them saying carrots are bad do you?
That Jamie Oliver must work for them.

Geoff:
I think it's Blogger's Christmas present to us.
I have THREE.

Steve:
No Steve - to live up to their name - the agency will supply skimpy undies, thongs and mini skirts.
Hypothermia epidemics will follow and save the tax payer millions.

View:
Yes it's a sex mad snowman and woman.
I don't think he had a carrot for a nose

BEAST:
You have FOUR capitals. Very imposing.

It's because the old buggers can't be arsed to get up and spend all morning in bed drinking gin.
And did they spend ages looking for the correct change in their purses?

2:27 pm  
Blogger CyberPete said...

Denmark doesn't get hardcore snow though. We usually get a few centimetres and the whole country comes to a standstill.

It's hilariously pathetic. I'm quite looking forward to it as I've got tomorrow and Monday off and can stay in and watch the news.

7:21 pm  
Blogger Common Tater said...

Naturally sub-zero doesn't sound that scary to me since our sister climate is Pluto..but it's all relative and cold is cold.

The Health Prevention Agency should encourage the Mancunian candidates to mate with the Liverpudlian Ladies...then they'll all die off earlier and that means less bloody paperwork!

And another thing..the bloody Government got that entire generation hooked on Rothmans when they gave free packs to the Lads who they were shipping off to fight the Kaiser!

The snow sculpture isn't entirely accurate because cavorting out of doors and in the snow is nearly impossible due to the emasculating effects of frigid air upon the male pensicle...
combine that with the lager induced flaccidity that would have been necessary to have made the entire escapade seem like a great idea at the time...
and, well there you have it.

9:07 pm  
Blogger MJ said...

CAKE!

4:51 am  
Blogger nwtrunner said...

Kaz - ummmmmm, we've had sub-zero temperatures now for last 6 weeks and will have until near end of April. It's -20 C right now and by next week will likely be -30. December-February will see -40 to -50.

And - we love it!!!! Scotch tastes waaaaaayyyyyyyyyy better at -48 outside and you're inside by a fire. Believe me.

4:59 am  
Blogger nwtrunner said...

Oh yeah - and nice to be behind MJ. Verrrry nice :-)

5:01 am  
Anonymous NiC said...

Finally the truth is out, The Health Protection Agency indeed...well spotted Kaz.

Of course, these names are never any good...in the Cold War they fought the Soviets (covertly) rather than the nasty virus, in the Cod War they fought the Icelanders rather than the fishes. I'm sure there have been many others.

8:37 am  
Blogger Murph said...

Having passed a certain milestone recently, Drew's starting to be a bit more ambivalent towards "oldie" jibes.
And saying things like "Sub Zero temperatures? We used to have ice on the inside of our windows...and that was in the summer. If we were lucky".

8:44 am  
Blogger KAZ said...

Pete:
Sounds much like UK.
Even though snow has been predicted everyone will be gazing at the frost on the windscreens in amazement and trying to scratch it off with a fingernail.
Perhaps in Canada they are better prepared.

Mr. Tater:
It's hard for Mancunians and Liverpudlians to mate - mostly to do with football.
Oh what a shame - I'd assumed that the picture was taken in Winnipeg.

MJ:
Broccoli ...sorry ... where's the swear box?

nwtrunner:
'Love it???'
Are y'all descended from masochists?
From where I'm sitting it looks like you're below MJ.
Enjoy.

NiC:
At last you have 2 capitals in your name.
I now have a vision of one of our soldiers in combat with a wet cod. I'll probably find a picture on google and make it into a post.

Murph:
Oh Yes - in spite of my url, I hate the P word.
Up North we had ice on the inside of our bed.

9:59 am  
Blogger CyberPete said...

There's always snow in Canada right?

*grins*

2:01 pm  
Blogger ziggi said...

I am only leaving this comment to see if I've been capitalised . . .

5:18 pm  
Blogger ziggi said...

how do you make the sound of a raspberry?

*********

5:19 pm  
Blogger Dave said...

It looks just like your first photo here, now.

9:03 am  
Blogger KAZ said...

Pete:
Those Canadians must be tough - not Southern jessies like us.

ZiGGI:
I think it depends on the way you wrote it when you set up your blog.
That's why CyberPete has one in the middle and NiC has one at each end.

You need a podcast.

Dave:
Lovely - just dull drizzle up 'ere as usual?
Oh .... did you mean the one on top of the red car?

10:06 am  
Blogger Dave said...

My neighbour has a red car, If she and I were to try to clear the snow from our vehicles I'm sure we'd end up looking like that.

11:00 am  
Blogger KAZ said...

Go for it Dave!
You can always sit by a roaring log fire afterwards - to cool off :0)

11:52 am  
Blogger NiC said...

Indeed, I am greatly enjoying my two capitals!

6:35 pm  
Blogger KAZ said...

NiC:
But unfortunately it doesn't lead to LDNP.

9:07 am  
Blogger The Poet Laura-eate said...

Kaz, I fear you've hit upon something BIG here!

Maybe THIS is how they intend to address the future pension crisis. Mind you, I've already been having my suspicions about the increasing cheapness/availability of booze, and surreptitious endorsing of excess generally so that scores of our young never see pensionable age. And don't claim the dole for too long.

3:23 pm  
Blogger KAZ said...

Laura:
Correct - cheap booze, cheap mini skirts from Primark, cheap bumper packs of lard from Kentucky Fried Chicken - and special gazebos outside pubs for the smokers to relax in style.
No one stands a chance.

9:03 pm  
OpenID diddums said...

Oh yeah, I see the wheels in that meal. Hmm.

I hope nobody slipped any melamine into my instant mochas. Mind you, they probably took one look and said "that's fine, we don't need to add anything to that."

Diddums (nervously)

12:41 am  
Blogger KAZ said...

diddums;
Believe it or not I hadn't even noticed the wheels - it was just the greasiest meal I could find.
I Hope everyone assumed I was making a very clever point.

2:42 pm  
Anonymous Jay Lewis said...

And one strange phenomenon that was really not funny - I became extremely sensitive to odors and even the smell of people's breath! To brighten up things a bit on my last day of fasting, I expanded the range of tea varieties that I use to chamomile, rose, and fruit, and also increase the floral varieties of honey to clover, leatherwood, and manuka. 6 cups Gluten Free Rice and Honey Nut Chex® cereal. These promotional characters first appeared on Kellogg's cereal boxes in 1932.

2:36 pm  

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