Sunday, May 10, 2009


It was promised to Stockport years ago. But they weren't ready to chuck out the chintz. "We'll stick with our Antimacassars and Aspidistras" they said - you can build it in Ashton Under Lyne.

IKEA was bestowed upon the pleasant people of Ashton under Lyne in the principality of Tameside. Ashton folk are just what you would expect of a Northerner. Unlike Mancunians they are big-hearted, friendly and helpful.

These good people have welcomed and embraced
IKEA with enthusiasm.


Midday sees the store and car park packed out. Not necessarily with Billy buyers or Roger seekers. And they don't just want a snack.
No - it's the meatballs they crave.

Does it explain this?

Now a visit to
IKEA is where Kev comes into his own:

1: He drives a van - White Berlingo circa 1998.

2: He is not a weedy weakling.

3: He is an absolute virtuoso when it comes to assembling flat-pack furniture.

Anyone want to borrow him?

To keep Kev on side I always treat him to a FREE cup of coffee courtesy of this .......

( I told them I hadn't got a family but they gave me one anyway)
and a delicious Swedish style sandwich.

Must go - Kev needs me to hold his screwdriver.



Blogger Dave said...

I did note that. I shall too.

9:12 am  
Blogger Rog said...

*Sorry, I can't walk past this open door*

Have you got an Ikea screw together bed? You can't beat a smooth seated Roger under your bottom with 4 legs on the ground.

....get's coat....

10:15 am  
Blogger Steve said...

I have drafted a letter to Ikea suggesting a viral marketing campaign with which they could further push their meatballs onto the nation. The tagline is "They're the dog's bollocks..." Karen thinks this will not work as a hard sell. Hmm...

10:43 am  
Blogger tony said...

I always buy the Vodka on the way out............later,the flat-packs seem to assemble themselves.............

10:47 am  
Blogger KAZ said...

But you've only just started.
btw - Do you only read the labels at the end?

Puns, double entendres, a smooth seat and four legs on the ground - is there no end to your talents?
Remember I live alone - but my bed was MFI and involved a whole day of screwing.

You should give Saatchi & Saatchi a ring.
I heard you were seeking more lucrative employment!

An inspired idea .... looks forward to delights of collapsing bed.

10:59 am  
Blogger Mopsa said...

I'm 2 and a half hours from any Ikea so have no idea if those meatballs are all they're cracked up to be. Can MPs claim them on expenses?

11:17 am  
Blogger Geoff said...

I sweat buckets over flat packs and I'm hopeless with hinges.

We had the gravlax in IKEA once. I think if we ever eat there again we'll be having the meatballs.

12:01 pm  
Blogger xl said...

I always worry when I have leftover parts after an assembly adventure.

Guilty IKEA pleasure: two hot dogs and a Coke for $2.

12:46 pm  
Blogger MJ said...

I hope you used the Robertson screwdriver...

A product of Canadian ingenuity, dontcha know.

Oh Hai XL!

2:40 pm  
Blogger zIggI said...

I hate Ikea with passion - I hate it more than I hate Liverpool FC - not only is it impossible not to get lost, it's then impossible to find anything in the warehouse and then at the checkout you can't buy the things on display there but have to go to another checkout and the queues are always 43 miles long and you can't pronounce the name of all there stupid stuff and the beds are a different size to anyone elses in the whole world and everything has to be made with a fiddling stupid titchy allen key and and and their meatballs are crap. Otherwise they're great.

ha ha just beat Man City :)

3:25 pm  
Blogger Emerson Marks said...

An Ikea store, only 20 minutes away from me by foot, opened 2 months ago.

I've been there once to buy a chair, and much swearing followed when I tried to put the bugger together.

Rumour has it the people of Hythe, on the other side of the water, can get a free Ikea ferry over to Southampton.

Not tried their nosh yet.

4:10 pm  
Blogger KAZ said...

Claim on expenses?
I believe Ed Balls claims royalties.

The meatballs will make you sweat a lot more.
Those prawn sandwiches are delicious.

Better that having too few parts I suppose.
A pussy cat eating hot dogs? Is it for revenge?

The only screwdriver I use is one with a swizzle stick and a colourful umbrella.

Phew ...........but the tealights are a bargain.

Surely Liverpool can't catch you now - can they?Emerson:
Walking to IKEA is not too great if you want to buy a Billy bookcase.
Ikea ferry? I bet you have to build your own lifeboat.

4:58 pm  
Blogger The Poet Laura-eate said...

Ahem, hate to tell you this Kaz, but guess what they mould the leftover MDF sawdust into?

The Swedes hate wasting anything.

5:24 pm  
Blogger garfer said...

Ikea was founded by a Nazi sympathiser.

Nice meatballs though.

9:32 pm  
Blogger Arabella said...

I'm selling the Ektorp on Craigslist - hurrah!

5:00 am  
Blogger KAZ said...

It's OK - I'm vegetarian.
Well apart from the prawns of course.

I think the meatballs are his way of saying sorry to the world.
He probably reads the Guardian as well.

I wonder what percentage of the world's population places his or her bottom on an Ektorp every evening.

9:41 am  
Blogger BEAST said...

I have an Ikea bed .
I used to live near the wembley Ikea.
I have never eaten the meatballs

Thats the extent of my Ikea related Beast factoids

6:02 pm  
Blogger MJ said...

Beast left out the part about how there is never anyone but him IN his Ikea bed.

6:07 pm  
Blogger Betty said...

Don't understand people who have a day out at Ikea and think of it as a treat. They are obviously bonkers. As for the food - yuck. Gravlax makes me feel sick and gives me awful headaches. Meatballs are just Mr Brains' faggots with a less gooey sauce really.

Nothing against the Swedes though, especially Abba, Indgrid Berman or Ingmar Bergman.

8:18 pm  
Blogger KAZ said...

I'm wondering if the Wembley Ikea is near the Wembley Arena - or is it the same thing?
Compared to the fare on your recent visit - those meatballs are health food.

Are you making Beast an offer here?
Please be more explicit - he's a bit shy.

I remember Mr Brains faggots or possibly Birdseye - delicious.
I wasn't a fan of Ingrid - but Ingmar and Sven both did it for me.

9:01 pm  
Blogger Moot the Hoopla said...

Nobody at IKEA thought it was funny when I ordered the meatballs as the Muppet's Swedish Chef Yerdee Yerdee Yerdee!You had to be there.

They didn't care that my grandfather was Swedish either! Bastards!

9:16 pm  
Blogger BEAST said...

Miss Kaz Wembley Ikea is a couple of miles away from the Arena on the dreaded North circular.
Miss MJ is just angling for a season ticket to Beasts bed of a thousand delights

12:43 pm  
Blogger Scarlet-Blue said...

Did you screw your bed together, Mr Beastie?
I used to go to Ikea to smoke. They used to have smoking rooms. I haven't been for some time though and last time I bought a bucket.

12:51 pm  
Blogger KAZ said...

You are a veritable SAT NAV.
But re Miss MJ - You must demand that she falls to her knees and begs forgiveness for the duvet and banana stories.
Then give her a chance - what have you got to lose?

The smoking room sounds exciting.
Were you supervised like the kids in The Ballroom?

5:15 pm  
Blogger MJ said...

But re Miss MJ - You must demand that she falls to her knees and begs forgiveness for the duvet and banana stories.

I’ll do no such thing!

Beast can stuff Ikea meatballs up his arse for all I care.

IF there’s any room left up there what with all the bananas and such.

6:00 pm  
Blogger KAZ said...

So it must be Beast who comes round here every week searching for 'Kaz enema'.

8:16 pm  
Blogger Madame DeFarge said...

I loathe the Ikea shuffle, where we're all herded past these interesting things that we really need. And I don't like their meatballs. Too watery. But I do like the industrial quantities of Dime bars. Excellent for sticking teeth together.

10:18 pm  
Blogger KAZ said...

How could I miss you out?
I'll tell you how ....that avatar is just aaawful!
And it hasn't even got a red bow tie.
Still (enough excuses) ... at least you have the bushy eyebrows for the Swedish chef role.

It's a bit like boarding a Ryanair flight isn't it?
Dime bars would be useful to prevent air rage.

10:43 am  
Blogger SSS said...

The meatballs are the best thing about IKEA. Well, maybe second best after those massive bags of tea light candles.

12:02 pm  
Blogger Istvanski said...

You've made me feel hungry, and I smell soup.

2:53 pm  
Blogger Kevin Musgrove said...

I can't stand IKEA either. "Two hours away from IKEA" is generally two-thirds down the queue of cars waiting to get in.

I once made the imstake of going there with a view to getting a small chest of drawers but gave up in disgust once I realised that all the drawer bottoms were made of thin cardboard. So I got something more substantial in deal for the half the price at a junk shop.

11:28 pm  
Blogger Kevin Musgrove said...

or even "mistake"

11:28 pm  
Blogger KAZ said...

Has anyone ever gone to IKEA and checked out without a bag of tealights?

I hope it's carrot and coriander.

Oh yes - with time and inclination the 'done up' junk shop find is the best.

Kevin 2:
An appropriate 'imstake' to make.

8:07 am  
Blogger david mcmahon said...

I know what an antimacassar is/ was. I was well brought up!!

8:46 pm  
Blogger KAZ said...

As long as you don't get it mixed up with your aspidistra.

10:14 pm  

Post a Comment

<< Home