Thursday, June 19, 2008

Fly Me!

I flew home alone from Girona yesterday.

On the Airport Bus I saw an attractive young blonde woman who was obviously a Ryanair flight attendant.
She was reading a book entitled:


"Operational Instructions"

Part A
EMERGENCY PROCEDURES.

I prayed that she would finish it before my flight took off.

All went smoothly.
I am now back in Manchester where it is still January.


My outward flights to Spain are seldom so uneventful.
In February there was the earthquake - this time there was the "airquake".


They called it turbulence and it was a real white knuckle ride all the way. The pilot said he couldn't remember a flight where it had been so bad.


Kev was acting like a wimp as he gripped the arm rests in terror.
He spent most of the flight ranting, effing and blinding. If we'd been on the bus he'd have been thrown off.

I was fairly oblivious. Grazia Magazine was giving me the latest about Sienna's treatment of Rhys. It's a matter of priorities.

The pilot's voice reminded us once again that the 'fasten seat belt' signs were still on.

Some passengers just ignored him.


**** Then the star of the show stood up and took the mike. ****



With a limp wrist and a voice like Graham Norton ... the Chief Air Steward spoke.

He was masterful and magnificent.

He said...


YOU will return to your seats IMMEDIATELY
YOU will fasten your seat belts NOW

YOU will NOT go to the toilet

YOU will NOT open overhead luggage compartments

YOU WILL OBEY THESE INSTRUCTIONS AT ONCE.


Every single person scuttered to their place and silence reigned for the rest of the flight.


What a STAR!!

I wish I'd had class control like that when I was teaching.

P.S. Thanks for taking care of the place. I've replied in the comments box below.
KAZ

Labels:

43 Comments:

Blogger Dave said...

Welcome home.

9:01 am  
Blogger Gordie said...

Welcome back. Please set your watch back one hour and put your thermostat up fifteen degrees.

9:57 am  
Blogger garfer said...

Was the Chief Air Steward camp like the aptly named Alan Cumming? Did he hand out tablet to the quaking passengers?

Where's my present.

10:40 am  
Anonymous NiC said...

Welcome home Kaz! T'inter has missed you.


Don't you just love turbulence?

I seem to remember hearing that lots of people are injured every year during turbulence...usually by other passengers falling on them!

10:55 am  
Anonymous Piggy and Tazzy said...

Never mind Garfy's present. Where's mine?

*cries*

Anyway, nice to know you ARE alive.

Welcome back!

11:31 am  
OpenID diddums said...

A favourite actor of mine. :-) Was rather enjoying that show. Wikipedia says Hollywood spoiled it by pinching Cumming...

12:29 pm  
Blogger Lubin said...

If there's one thing that can be said about us gays it's that we're good in a crisis (as long as we can take the starring role).

Welcome back!

12:36 pm  
Blogger Murph said...

He sounds at though he was Australian trained. Those Quaintarse Stewards can be very fierce.

Thank goodness you made it back!

12:45 pm  
Blogger ziggi said...

What have you done with Kev?
Is he walking?
Is he partying with B&G?
Have you sold him to white traders?

12:51 pm  
Blogger MJ said...

Never mind Garfy's present or Piggy's present.

Where's my straw donkey?

Did they they strip search you at Customs?

1:22 pm  
Blogger MJ said...

What have you done with Geoff and Betty?

1:33 pm  
Anonymous Arabella said...

Tssssk....that's no way to behave when escorting a laydee to the Continent. Mr K should have been comforting you with boiled sweets in a variety of citrus flavours.
Trust you made hime suffer horribly later?

2:22 pm  
Blogger Vicus Scurra said...

Good. Another one accounted for.

2:45 pm  
Blogger Herge Smith said...

I'd settle for turbulence any day over the screaming baby in the row behind you.

I love it when the pilot does the chatty bit; I really could a monkey's what he's doing - just concentrate on flying the plane please.

Are you sure they don't have rock in spain?

4:08 pm  
Blogger Old Wom Tigley said...

It's still January had me cracked up Kaz Welcome back I've missed you and you witt.

4:09 pm  
Blogger KAZ said...

Dave:
Thanks.

Gordy:
Thanks:
...runs off to search for thermals.

Garfer:
As camp as Butlins.
No tablets - just a brisk ticking off.

I know you don't like 'foreign stuff' - so I didn't want to insult you with a present.

NiC:
Thanks:
Yes - or stuff falling out of lockers .. I think that's what my hero was afraid of.
Ryanair can't afford the compensation any more.

Piggy:
Will it find you if I address it to -

Piggy and Tazzy
Barnsley
The Universe?

Diddums:
Or was it Ryanair that pinched him?

Lubin:
I'd love to come and watch you starring in one of your lectures.

Murph:
Well - he did call me Sheila when he served me a tinny.

Ziggi:
Kev likes Spain better than Manchester.
I know - it doesn't make sense does it?

mj:
Ryanair has introduced a new 'Straw Donkey' supplement.
So I gave it to a poor person at the Airport.

No - I didn't even get a feel this time.

mj:
I think they flew off to Ibiza to renew their marriage vows?

Arabella:
Kev never 'suffers horribly'.
He just opens another bottle of San Miguel.

Vicus:
You can tick my box any time.

Hello Herge:
Ryanair specialises in screaming babies - if I'd been able to find a stick of rock I'd have known where to stick it.

Wom:
I'm still suffering re-entry problems.
I don't expect much sympathy though.

4:33 pm  
Blogger ziggi said...

Vicus still counting his nuts I see

5:08 pm  
Blogger CyberPete said...

I think he's been on one of my flights too.

It's amazing how much authority he can muster in that polyester suit.

Good to have you back, now where are the colourful drinks?

5:21 pm  
Blogger Donn said...

YIKES!

I'm not sure how I would spend my final moments plummeting to the ground...would I try to calibrate the energy released during impact or estimate the actual length of time or rate of descent that my body would be experiencing...hmmm..

by the time I had decided it would be over.

Glad to see you back and in one piece...and not to worry, all of the Airlines will soon be broke and you won't have to go through that again.

5:22 pm  
Blogger Mopsa said...

Can't help it - I just love when someone takes control. Usually it's me.

8:23 pm  
Blogger Roses said...

I remember that, Alan Cummings i.e. and turbulence. I hate turbulence, I like my plane rides like my peanut butter - smooth god damnit.

By the way, I like Alan Cummings.

And Murph watered the plants!

(not that I'm tell tales)

8:26 pm  
Blogger KAZ said...

Ziggi:
Hmmm - I wouldn't know about that.
But I'm sure his tackle is in excellent shape.

Pete:
Polyester?
It's probably all that static that causes the turbulence.

Donn:
Will it be back to the romance of the Orient Express?

Mopsa:
I think that all control freaks long for the day when someone can control them!
In a nice way of course.

Roses:
I switch off completely when flying.
It's not the turbulence or the height - just the claustrophobic situation of being locked up with lots of people.

So that explains the Aspidistra then.

9:19 pm  
Anonymous 'Shot said...

Mellow greetings Miss K.

Glad to have you back in blogland. You were missed (by somebody, I'm sure).

No present necessary for me, you're safe return is all the gift I need.

P.S. Germany 3 - Portugal 2

YAY!

10:49 pm  
Blogger Gordie said...

By the way, did you see this ironic development in Barcelona?

11:58 pm  
Blogger Old Wom Tigley said...

Quote:
@I'm still suffering re-entry problems.
I don't expect much sympathy though.'

I have them... Jane thinks it's the medication... ;o)

1:00 pm  
Blogger KAZ said...

'shot:
Thankyou.
I watched lots of footie on Spanish TV.
Without Ingerland to support, I'm a Francophile. So I won't be celebrating with you this time.

Gordie:
You couldn't make it up.
Over 20 years since 1984 and Big Brother is still watching over us in more ways than one.

Tom:
I'm sorry to hear that.
Perhaps it's time to try Viagra .......... exits quickly.

3:47 pm  
Blogger Hyde DP said...

you've brought the turbulence back with you - I wondered where the cold wind had come from - I know where it's going!

5:07 pm  
Blogger CyberPete said...

Ryan Air and Easy Jet are the only airlines I know, that has their crew wearing polyester suits. It's so tacky, I would never work for them - for that reason (and they probably don't pay well)

I bet that's what caused it. Yes, polyester induced turbulence.

5:12 pm  
Blogger tony said...

Nice To See Your Return KAZ. I type from Benidorm..we flew by EasyJet!
Benidorm is even tackier than i remember! It´s Great! We nearly got kicked out of our hotel this morning! Big Fight between some of the Lads on Our Stag Weekend & a gropu from Huyton on another Stag! Police came......they slapped some of the lads around the head & left!
We nearly were ordered out by the Hotel but only got a written warning.
We Get Dressed up tonight! Stay Tuned!

6:12 pm  
Blogger stitchwort said...

Welcome back. Great post!!

7:14 pm  
Blogger KAZ said...

Gerald:
Well don't say I never bring you anything back!

Pete:
It was hot on the plane - not the best atmosphere to be shrink wrapped in plastic.

Tony:
Are you sure you aren't with club 18 - 30?
Either way I must buy 'The News of the World' on Sunday.

Stitch:
Thanks.
Did you splutter coffee all over your keyboard?

10:13 pm  
Blogger Pete said...

and when did the name change?

6:21 am  
Blogger CyberPete said...

You are absolutely right, but you cooled down with a few colourful umbrella drinks, yeah?

10:01 am  
Blogger CyberPete said...

Oh wait, it was Ryan Air.

Overpriced vodka and bloody mary mix?

10:02 am  
Blogger KAZ said...

Pete:
Blimey - you were up early today.
Birding??

Name change - no idea what you're on about.
I'll worry about that all day now.

Danish Pete:
1: The only colourful umbrellas are in Manchester - it's pouring down.

2: Ryanair can do white wine - as long as you like it warm.

10:41 am  
Blogger Roses said...

I see your Ryan Air Experience and trump it with Excel.com. There are good reasons why they are so cheap. Nasty, small seats. Plastic blankets no bigger than a flannel. We won't talk about the food, really we won't. They had a tendancy to bounce down the runway.

Perhaps I'll be staying in the UK for the summer...

11:33 am  
Blogger CyberPete said...

You are classy up in Manchester. I imagine a whole parade of rainbow umbrellas. Or black Prada.

Warm white wine, now that's classy! I haven't had warm white wine since I was 16 and it cost me £1 and all my dignity.

11:54 am  
Blogger KAZ said...

Roses:
Excel is a new one on me - perhaps they only do long distance.
These days I wish they'd make me pay more and give me a pleasant experience.
I could always cut down on the drink to save the difference.

Pete:
£1 must be worth about 3p in Denmark.
In Manchester we're cheap as well as classy.

5:43 pm  
Blogger Pete said...

from youngest pensioner? it was probably yonks ago.

problem with getting up early every year is you wake up early on holiday

6:20 am  
Blogger KAZ said...

Pete:
Not really sure but it was at least TWO years ago!
I thought you might mean Girona (Catalan name) which is Gerona in Spanish.
I think you can get shot for calling it that now.
I wish I still woke up early - I miss all the best birds on holiday.

8:24 am  
Blogger Flaming Nora said...

Welcome back, mum, I've missed you.

We're living the high life, we're living it well.....

Where's Shona Spurtle when you need her? In my local Wilkinson's, about a year ago. She's smaller than she looks on the telly and prettier too.

10:01 pm  
Blogger The Poet Laura-eate said...

We had the most wonderful dragon lady on the Tannoy in Tottenham Court Tube Station the other night threatening that if passengers did not 'STOP BEING SELFISH' and move along along the platform, the next train would not be stopping. Alas she did not know when to stop and hectored us all for about 5 mins. As for me, I always walk to the end of the platform as I hate crowds and want to get a seat, which is more likely at the end or beginning of the tubetrain.

3:15 pm  
Blogger KAZ said...

Nora:
Less of the 'mum' kiddo!

Only the best people shop at Wilkinson's.

Laura:
Perhaps it's all part of some mass hysterical meglomania outbreak.
Good thing you didn't start giggling or you'd have been barred.

4:58 pm  

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