Monday, March 02, 2009

Spaced


I don't buy this now - but I usually get to look at the magazine section. And there's one page that's seriously getting on my nerves.

It's called *Space Solves*.
It's a problem page for people without problems - an agony aunt for people who stuff mushrooms.

Gwenda of Chingford is devastated because ILVA closed down.


Is it because she feels concern for all those people who lost their jobs, perhaps had their homes taken away and their lives destroyed?

No - Not at all - Gwenda is upset because now she can't buy the desk which she'd had her eye on for some time.
She "loved the surface which was hard but slightly rubberised".

Gwenda - get thee to Asda and buy one of those rubber non slip bath mats - stick it on the desk you already have or the kitchen table and Bingo.


Now shut up.


A yummy mummy from Derbyshire is looking for a (very) high chair so that yummy baby can eat at the breakfast bar. The *Space Solves* suggestions ("which will add contemporary chic to your kitchen") cost between £250 and £300.

KAZ says - why not strap the baby into one of those bouncer things from Mothercare and suspend it from the ceiling?
Next?

Elsewhere - probably on the green page - someone asks 'How can you set a toaster to do only one slice of toast and save energy?'


How utterly ridiculous. Who makes up these letters?
No one eats ONE slice of toast. You eat it in piles - otherwise where would you put all the marmalade.


It beats me why these types read the Guardian - don't they know it's supposed to be for pinko revolutionary bolshie barricade storming left wing feminists and their friends.


Or is it?

Not now it ain't.

KAZ

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32 Comments:

Blogger Dave said...

I had just one slice of toast for my breakfast today.

It is Lent.

7:48 am  
Anonymous NiC said...

I think the Saturday Grauni is actually aimed at a different demographic to the weekly one and I'm sure it sells far more copies Certainly round here it does. In the week our local newsagent has about three copies but come Saturday he has piles of them (all gone by eleven).

Whether there are really that high a number of spatially-challenged-yummy-mummy-single-toast-eating-liberals-with-a-small-l around here I don't know. It's a scary thought.

But there should be space in the Weekend mag for your alternative answers to the Space Solves "problems"....I'm sure us other pinko readers would greatly enjoy it.

Our toaster does four slices of bread but won't fit a pitta.....solve that one if you can!

8:19 am  
Blogger The Poet Laura-eate said...

Ah but storming left wing feminists still like babies with slightly vulcanised surfaces at the right height for breakfast bars.

However I vote Kaz as the new & improved Agony Aunt for this page!!! The current one seems to be receiving a backhander from overpriced solution manufacturers.

Re the original guardian magazine cover you linked to, was that model breastfeeding a yearling? Most disturbing.

8:38 am  
Blogger Jane P said...

Wouldn't it be difficult to feed an infant that was bouncing around all over the place? Just asking.

9:16 am  
Blogger Rog said...

Yes this is very entertaining stuff Kaz. Wot abart a weekly Saturday feature where you take the made-up questions out of the Weekend and give us your tough, no-nonsense get-a-life answers?

There was a good question in Viz magazine recently which asked "If Max Clifford is so brilliant at PR, how come everyone thinks he's a c**t?".

10:40 am  
Blogger KAZ said...

Dave:
Although I'm no expert - I don't think the scriptures specify any objection to the Full English.

NiC:
I hadn't thought of that - you are undoubtedly correct.
There is a space for reader suggestions - I feel tempted.

Can you insert the pitta end on and then reverse it to do the other end?
Thought not.

Laura:
I wouldn't say no to a backhander or two.
Principles - what principles?

It was Kate Garraway - simuating.

Jane:
You could be right - though I am reliably informed that bouncing improves infant digestion.

Rog:
I like your idea Rog - any chance of sponsorship?
LOL re Viz question.
But it seems to me that c**ts have been hogging all the headlines recently.

11:44 am  
Blogger garfer said...

Middle class Guardianista gay whales the bomb don't eat toast as we know it. It's all organic Slovenian hand crafted rye warmed in the bottom oven of the aga along with their green wellies.

The North London media types stick to lentils, which constitute the main component of their diet.

11:49 am  
Blogger Mopsa said...

Much disgruntled chortling here about the Saturday Guardian which I always buy and then rant about - the weekend mag should be hiding its head in shame under the heap of costly unnecessary items it tries to flog. Does anyone, anywhere spend that much on clothes, shoes, stuff?

12:15 pm  
Blogger Geoff said...

At £1.60 I think it's a bargain. For one day a week I can dream of being upper middle class. I do so envy their lifestyles.

1:38 pm  
Blogger MJ said...

The answer to everything is simply not to have babies.

2:44 pm  
Blogger Betty said...

Really, that bloody "how to dress in the recession" special in the most recent Weekend. Their advice? Buy "investment pieces" - jackets costing £1000, that sort of thing.

Every knows that Guardian readers only wear hemp t-shirts, cheesecloth, corduroy and sandals.

2:45 pm  
Blogger KAZ said...

Garfer:
Thanks for explaining this - if the hand crafted toast has been anywhere near those warm wellies it's no wonder they only want one slice.
I wonder what lentils on toast tastes like?
mmmmmmmmmmmmm.

Mopsa:
It's probably the ranting that keeps us cheerful.
Does anyone, anywhere spend that much on clothes, shoes, stuff?
Very few - but the Guardian must make a packet on the handouts from the retailers.

Geoff:
You've never been the same since you had that Aga installed.

MJ:
Yes - but I suspect Ms. 'ILVA closed just to spite me' could be childless.
But perhaps she's 'trying'.

Betty:
Yes - keep up appearances daahling. You'll look just like Alexa Chung in Burberry and Mulberry.
Those Guardian readers choose excellent recession garments - you can smoke the hemp and eat the cheese.

3:01 pm  
Blogger I, Like The View said...

I think the Guardian has gone the same way as the Labour Party

(but then, I do own a toaster with a "single slice" setting, so who am I to comment. . .)

3:43 pm  
Anonymous NiC said...

Re: the pitta in the toaster. Yes you can do one end at a time but the problem is that you then end up with a pitta properly cooked at each end but with a half-inch wide burnt stripe down the middle that has been cooked twice......I wonder if pittas are really worth it!

Maybe I should write to Space Solves for their suggestions.... ;)

4:09 pm  
Blogger zIggI said...

my toaster has a sort of scaffold on the top that lifts up and is specially for doing pitta type things that don't fit in the slot - it's a Kenwood - hope this helps

when my daughter couldn't reach the counter I found the New English dictionary gave just the right boost and made her very clever as well - hope this helps too

who in their right mind would want a rubber desk - get a life.

think that covers it all doesn't it?

5:45 pm  
Blogger KAZ said...

View:
And perhaps, like the Labour party, it has lost its way.
You must not use it - everyone needs lots of toast to stay fit, happy and beautiful.
Or at least 2 of the above.

NiC:
Forget the pittas - stick with the toast.
'Space Solves' would recommend a very expensive speciality pitta cooker to "add contemporary chic to your kitchen".
Or see Ziggi's comment above.

Ziggi:
You are wasted at that school.
Get yourself a job as the agony aunt for The Tatler.
You could sort that lot out!

6:23 pm  
Blogger Steve said...

A surface which is hard but slightly rubberized is to be desired in all things I find. Except food.

7:24 pm  
Blogger Old Wom Tigley said...

One slice of toast indeed... there's nowt like a good rack full of toast and pot of marmalade to set you up for a hard days moaning... ;o)...

12:58 am  
Blogger Arabella said...

One slice of toast. That's only slightly more annoying than suggesting left-over wine can be put in ice cube trays and used for stock at a later date. Who are these people and please God they never have to feed me.

1:12 am  
Blogger KAZ said...

Steve:
I don't think that you should come round to my place for dinner then.

Wom:
Moan???
You and Me???
Surely not!!

Arabella:
Oh yes I've read that one.
Left over wine is possibly an oxymoron.

4:04 am  
Blogger CyberPete said...

Oh poor you! No more Ilva!?! I love that shop!!! I hope the Danish stores haven't closed down.

And no, I'm not kidding around I LOVE ILVA!

7:17 am  
Anonymous NiC said...

I've nothing against toast per se and indeed for marmalade or scrambled egg there is nothing better. For filling with houmous, mayo, lettuce and tomato, however, pittas are the thing.

Also it's not just me, youngest daughter insists upon a pitta for breakfast and one or two more when she gets in from school.

I shall look into the scaffolded Kenwood toaster, ZIggI so thanks for that though actually our previous toaster was fine for pittas but apparently had to be replaced with one that did four slices since there was one occasion at Xmas when the house was full with 1,000,009 people that more than two slices were required within 30 seconds.

Thanks also for the dictionary tip, sadly I don't recall a time when our two weren't tall enough to reach the toaster and it's definitely too late now. Unless I put the toaster on a shelf....that would be good....they think they know it all (being teenagers) so forcing them to learn new words through their feet would be good for them. If I made the shelf high enough maybe I could learn some new words too.

8:44 am  
Blogger SSS said...

Is there such a thing as one piece of toast? I had no idea.

I was about to suggest the Kenwood toaster, Nic. It's excellent for croissants as well.

10:40 am  
Blogger tony said...

"...get thee to Asda..." That's quite Biblical!

1:53 pm  
Blogger KAZ said...

Pete:
ILVA is/was great. I took that photo of the Manchester one which was near the town centre and very convenient. I often walked round just to browse.
They also did great espresso.
I just don’t think they could compete with IKEA in UK - so all the branches closed.

NiC:
Houmous, mayo, lettuce and tomato - oh now you’ve really made me hungry. Yes you need pittas - another consumer durable purchase is in order.
Re the dictionary - I need one of those (actually an ancient chemistry book) to reach most things.

SSS:
I hope that Kenwood will give me a discount :)

Tony:
For a heathen I do good biblespeak.

5:37 pm  
Blogger Donn Coppens said...

Now that you are well on your way to becoming an iconic lifestyle consultant like Martha Stewart, surely you realise that a short stint in a Womens' Prison would boost your street cred during the doldrums of your mid-career ratings slump.

Dammit..I shouldn't have mentioned women's prison..
ooh it's everyman's fantasy to be trapped in a women's prison. They could have lotteries for men to spend weekends there. They could work off fines and call it community service.

Seriously, if you can't 'hook-up' in there then you should pack it in.

Don't you have a real IKEA?

7:56 pm  
Blogger CyberPete said...

That's so sad. To me ILVA is an upscale Ikea. I would never browse at Ikea but I did it a lot at ILVA.

They have a lamp I really want but they wouldn't give me a discount lbecause it was a new item. I hope they are still open in Denmark.

6:54 am  
Blogger KAZ said...

Donn:
No problem - there's a womens' prison close to Manchester called Styal.
That will boost my street cred during the doldrums of my post-career ratings slump.

Our IKEA is close by too but in the opposite direction from the prison.

Pete:
Brits are cheapskates - me too.
Danish are into design and taste.

11:08 am  
Blogger Flaming Nora said...

I stopped buying th'observer when they wrote articles about people complaning about their "help" - nannies and the like (or servants if you want to be correct).

8:42 pm  
Blogger Donn Coppens said...

Are you kidding me?
You'll still be living in STYAL even in the women's prison?!

This story just writes itself.

5:08 am  
Blogger KAZ said...

Nora:
I know I know - but at KAZ towers the servants know their place.

Donn:
The gals have Styal and the guys have Strangeways.

8:02 pm  
Blogger CyberPete said...

Not every Dane is interested in style and design. Some have no taste at all.

Tragic!

9:31 pm  

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