SUBTITLES

Recently, I have been pointing my camera at the telly.

I wish someone would tell Deidre that smocks are in fashion.

Digital is giving me subtitles whether I want them or not.

And - talking of subtitles - I wish I knew what Alma’s body language was saying here.

This is just a quick post to say ‘Tara’ for a bit.

On Sunday I’m going away for 10 days.
I’ll miss you. Be good.
KAZ

Great Bus Journeys of the World (no 1)

George has passed the thingy on to Bruce.

Thingy?

Jimmy has solved the problem. I found Jimmy over at Journeying, asked him the question and he left a comment on the end of the ‘Thingy on the bus’ post. It’s a camera mount which is provided by the people who make the bus. There isn’t a camera because the people who own the bus didn’t fix one.

Thanks Jimmy.

Congratulations to Geoff who was almost right. What a perceptive chap.

On the topic of buses - here are some photos of my journey into town taken over the last few months.

I love going through Rusholme (the curry mile).

Here you can get the chop (red notice) whilst waiting for your taxi or booking a holiday.

This is the famous Canal Street in ‘the village’ . It would have been thronged with revellers at the weekend for the ‘Sparkle’ festival.
I don’t know why those trees are ‘wrapped’ unless Christo has visited Manchester I passed there yesterday and they have all been chopped down for yet another building project.
The arrow marks the college where I worked from 1982 to 1996. After this the lunatics took over the asylum. My laboratory on the top floor was turned into a penthouse so presumably someone removed that green stain on the ceiling made by an overenthusiastic student.

Why would they hang an advert for Peter Kay’s show over the Samaritan’s building?

I see Eric and Jimi are in town. Both are looking well.

And here’s the terminus, otherwise known as the Cheapskates’ Pleasuredome. Until 5 years ago it was the famous Lewis’s department store where I used to come with my mum to see Father Christmas.
Now we have Primark - so it’s Christmas every day - but it can’t be right can it?

KAZ

High Fives!

I had 5,555 visitors on Saturday.

I've always wanted to be popular, but I now know it's not always good to get what you want.
As I mentioned recently - over 100 B@pwatch babe seekers were lurking over here every night. Suddenly the curve has gone exponential. I go out for a paper and when I return my free statcounter allocation of 100 is completely used up. If my real friends visited I wouldn't know about it.

I'm also missing all interesting searches like *naked Chorley Girls*, Brothels in Stockport and *Cliff Richard and lsd* .. surely not, unless it's the pounds shillings and pence.

The hordes invade my blog from Australia, New Zealand, United States, Canada, United Arab Emirates, Iraq, Japan, Thailand, Tunisia, Pakistan, Argentina, Philippines, Sri Lanka, South Africa, Egypt, all the countries who battle it out for Eurovision and even Wolverhampton.

I can't get to sleep for all the heavy breathing.

The favourite pics are Rod's ex who was also Peter Sellers's ex, her in the bath from the C@momile Lawn and even my ex lookalike S@lly James. Did you see the Tizwas reunion last Saturday? She still looks like S@lly James, whereas I look more like Sid James these days!

Let me explain. (skip this if you aren't wanting the minutiae of the problem).

In a couple of posts I linked to pics on B@pwatch - this was ages ago - no problem until recently. For some reason Google now sends loads of searchers to me instead of B@pwatch. Unfortunately Statcounter doesn't give the key word for image searches. I thought I'd put a stop to it by altering the link to go to my flickr. It hasn't made any difference!

Why??

Google is sending them to my blog for a link that's deleted. They show the url of the picture as the (deleted) B@pwatch link.

Did you follow all that? Anyway, I'm going to delete the pics.

So bloglines will tell you I have 5 new posts. It lies.

From now on I shall stick to pictures like this.

KAZ

Addicted to ASDA

I went into town on Saturday for some compelling reason which I can't quite remember. My mood was very low, I was feeling sorry for myself and it was affecting me physically. I was shuffling along like a sixty year old.

Then I saw this cushion and I bought it.

It was ‘John Rocha at Debenhams’ and cost £40 - Forty quid for a bloody cushion.

This is the point - as soon as I had the cushion in a nice blue carrier bag - I cheered up immediately. The spring returned to my step and I skipped along like a mere 59 year old. Retail therapy eh?

A programme on channel 5 this week reminded me of this incident. It was about *The Girl who was addicted to Asda*.
I watched this because I frequently shop in this rather unassuming supermarket on my way to Tameside.

Amanda was £40,000 in debt. Thank God she wasn't addicted to Harvey Nicks!

Her mum's little terraced house was an overstuffed Aladdin's cave of unwanted stuff all stored in plastic bin bags. Drawers were stuffed with short denim skirts which she'll never wear 'because I don't wear short skirts.'

Amanda felt safe in Asda. Her shopping addiction was both a solace and a curse.

A psychotherapist at Cheadle Royal was going to help.
This is where reality TV is nothing like reality.
This guy took the time and trouble not only to talk with Amanda but also to accompany her to Asda and patiently walk round and round with her as many times as she liked. I don't think a working class girl from Ashton could expect that from the NHS.

Eventually she began to make progress. Good luck to her.

What do you think of the cushion?
I'm thinking of taking it back for a refund.
KAZ

Doublethink??

Your intrepid reporter snapped the back of friend A’s car when she wasn’t looking. This cardboard will eventually be driven to the local tip to be recycled.

Friend A uses chipped cups and plates and saves old crisp packets ‘in case they come in handy‘. She isn’t GREEN - she’s Mean.

I have demonstrated in the rain several times with Friends of the Earth and Greenpeace. Once it was so wet my mum turned up with a sandwich which was very embarrassing for a 45 year old eco warrior. .

We identified the enemy as multinational companies - not toothpaste without aloe vera.

I think things have been getting a bit confused recently.

Tesco try to tell me that tomatoes from Barnsley taste better than those from Italy. Along with Wal-Mart they boast of a reduced carbon footprint. We don’t hear much support for the farm workers in poorer countries whose entire livelihood may depend on the export of their crops.

This week on the radio I heard naturalists (or are they the ones that take their clothes off to play badminton?) getting all excited because Red Admirals had stayed here through the winter and the blackbirds had sprogged 3 litters. 'How wonderful’ they kept saying.

Er ..yes.. but Global Warming isn't supposed to be *wonderful*. It causes floods and drought.

We are supposed to be sitting in the dark with a bunsen burner to prevent it.

Do the Bill Oddyish persons think we should all start driving round in gas guzzling 4X4s like Chris Martin and turn the central heating up so we can eat dinner in our thongs? That would bring the butterflies over in bus loads.

We’d be seeing Bee eaters in Gorton.

Is there a flaw in my argument?

Still Cheryl Crow has the answer.

Ration the bog roll.

KAZ

Les HOMMES

I must say thanks to Vicus.

He gave me some advice on how to attract more perverts to my site - and I now have a new friend Mr [Cherry] ride. Oh - not that he's a pervert - he’s a God fearing sober(?) chap who lives in Texas like Arabella - but it's not a small place so I don't suppose they've met.

Until my Post on Goggling Helen, he was top of google for Helen's boobs. He came over to tell me -and now, of course, I'm on top.

But no sign of Helen's tits here today. If you seek B@pwatch babes (like over 100 of my overnight visitors) you will be disappointed.

Aujourd‘hui …for a refreshing change we look at 'Vogue - Hommes International'.
Kev picked it up in a French hotel room on his way back from Spain. He brought it home as a special gift for his girlfriend after his 7 week stay.

I was euphoric.
It made me feel so *valued*.

It's difficult to say whether the target audience for this mag is supposed to be gay or straight men. But it doesn’t matter as we're all androgynous and multi faceted these days.
Here's the English version.

Have you've ever envied Kate Moss? You must have wondered what it’s like to see the world through the eyes of the word's favourite super model.

HERE is your opportunity.

I scanned it as I was determined to make YOU suffer as well?

Just to make up for it here are my two best boys in the ads.

KAZ

STEW DENTS

.....or sometimes I agree with Steve Coogan ..

I emerge from my front door, walk down the path, open the gate, look right look left and right again etc. When the coast is clear, I step out to the pavement. I need to avoid collision with a steady procession of bloody students who traipse past my home on their way to the bus stop.

Mine is a mono generational location populated by hordes of persons in the 18 - 21 age range.

Do they make me feel ancient or keep me feeling young? It depends on whether I'm having a bad hair day.

All those girls in the local Sainsbury's with their skinny vests and their skinny denim skirts and their skinny silver flippy floppy shoes. Oh and their pert boobs and peachlike arses and shiny swinging hair. When they meet a pal (as they always do) they stop, chat and completely block the aisle. Their voices go up at the end of sentences in that annoying way.

The lads all look alike, boring and full of themselves. Usually they are straight from the gym, pitch or court and dressed in shiny fibres or tasteless sweats.


When the sun's out they all buy massive packs of lager and 'basics' range barm cakes and burgers. They look as though they are all off to have a fine time ... Oh how I hate them.

However, there are advantages to living in studentville:

4 We have the best bus route in Europe
4 The Guardian costs 25p at the local newsagents
4 We are surrounded by pubs, bars, takeaways, restaurants, Wetherspoons, Starbucks with Tesco and Sainsbury's on the corner.

But the best thing - When they go home (like now) we have it all to ourselves.

We look forward to seeing posters like these.

KAZ

Thingy on the BUS

We all know Wayne Rooney has a face like the back of a bus - here's the proof.

George is on the side of a bus. But - what's wrong with his throat? Has he had a tracheotomy? Is he starting a fashion for adam's apple jewellery?

This lad has a similar problem - on his leg.

What is that little thingy that's always on the side of every bus?

What is it for? I need to know.

Is it an extra dial on this Sony Ericsson? BtW what's going to happen to their Sven? He's not coming to Man City - a pity really as I quite fancied my chances there.
Are these two passing the baton in the relay?

Someone did well here to get the thingy in the dead centre. This is an advert for Damon Albarn's new Opera - Monkey: Journey to the West.

Is it a sort of Britpop Ecce Cor Meum?

Manchester is privileged (?) to have the premiere at the Palace to start our Festival.

I know, I know - I need more stress in my life!

KAZ

Keep it in the Family

Professor Sykes did some research and proved that he was related to all the other Sykes (what's the plural of Sykes?) in the UK.

This includes Melanie and Eric.

The Observer Surnames Supplement tells us where the highest concentrations of people with the same surname are found.

Melanie and Eric both come from the Oldham area.It tells us that 'Kay' is a metonymic name (based on occupation) mostly found in Bolton.

So Peter and Vernon are family.

I'd always thought that it was a coincidence that Joe Cocker and Jarvis Cocker hailed from Sheffield. But no doubt their family trees overlap somewhere.

Find your region here.

So what about these two ageing beauties?

Brother managers?
or:Surely not!

Hmm- KAZ