Louie Louie

I don’t usually buy the Guardian on Saturday. The supplements are ‘Work’ (I don’t) ‘Family’ (I haven’t) and ‘Travel’ (I only go to Spain and Tameside these days).

But sometimes I find an old one of Kev’s lying around, which is how I came across John Harris saying farewell after three years as their music writer.

As you know I’m a great music fan - but I haven’t kept up.

Sometimes Beth’s play lists might as well be the Azerbaijan World Cup squad and I’m often embarrassed to comment round at Geoff’s place in case I get PJ Harvey mixed up with PJ Proby.

So John should know his stuff and guess what he wrote?

"Thirty-six months of doing this job has not withered my belief that the Kingsmen's Louie Louie is the best piece of music ever made. "

And I AGREE!!!! That’s always been my favourite as well. I never ever get tired of it.

People argue about the real lyrics - here’s one version.

Anyone else?
KAZ

Something's Amis!

The Headline in Friday's Manchester Evening News:-

'Martin Amis paid £3000 per hour to lecture in creative writing at Manchester University'.

The Manchester Evening News discovered this by persistently invoking the Freedom of information act.

Martin (son of Sir Kingsley) earns £80000 per year and is required to teach 28 hours on a post grad Creative Writing course. Most part time lecturers earn less than £20 per hour before Tax. They don't get paid for marking, preparation, meetings etc.

They must feel as thrilled as the regular Guardian techies when told that Stephen Fry was going to do the 'Dork Talk' page in 'Weekend.

The University recently shed 750 jobs to get itself out of a £30million debt mostly caused by it's decision to recruit academic super celebs to transform it into a world class university.

Martin has not been asked to trouble himself with assessment or marking. But - surely he must spend hours and hours preparing for his seminars.

I don't think so.

When he accepted the post last Summer he said - "If all this does turn out to have a theme, it'll be, `Place an enormous stress on individuality, don't use novelty phrases that bob around in the atmosphere for a few months, like `no-brainer' which are ways of signalling to your peer group that you're just like everyone else. Make it fresh, make it your own, make it individual'.

So take good note all you Bloggers who aspire to be creative writers - seems like a 'no brainer' to me.

Martin also said (with a disdainful smirk) that he would not actually be moving to Manchester - "just going up once a fortnight".

In the Evening News article I couldn't help notice hints of - Bumptious cocky southern bastard comin’ up ‘ere to tell us 'ow it’s done'. This preconception (as encouraged by the lovely Stuart Maconie in 'Pies and Prejudice') says that all Northerners are loveable, working class chaps and everyone south of Stockport is a posh, arrogant clever - dick.

This can’t be true or they wouldn’t have given us Harvey Nicks ... and I wouldn't have chatted with that lovely Arsenal supporter at King’s Cross a few years ago.
KAZ

Carrot and Stick

So the government has a cunning plan to eradicate obesity.

They are going to:-
i) give money to fatties who lose weight
ii) teach cooking in schools.

You’ve heard about the carrot and the stick. Well a carrot may help you lose weight - but I lost weight because eating chips gives me stomach ache and eating cake makes my teeth hurt.

I also apply Susan Powter’s mathematical fat formula which I go on and on about.

We already teach cooking in schools - perhaps you used to call it ‘Cookery’ or ‘Home Economics’ or ‘Domestic Science’. Now it’s ‘Food Technology’. During the past 5 years Kev visited many secondary schools as Mr Supersub - the supply teacher. He often commented on the hugeness and obeseness of the food technology teachers. Of course this was not a scientific statistically valid study - but it seems to me that anyone who teaches, thinks or earns a living from food is likely to become a bit obsessed.

Who would you choose to teach your kid cookery?
Jamie??

Antony?
Clarissa Theresa Philomena Aileen Mary Josephine Agnes Elsie Trilby Louise Esmerelda Dickson Wright

or superslim Gary (what was he thinking?)

So here’s my advice :
1: Send Gordon round with a stick to use on fatties every time they eat a pie.
2: Teach an extra lesson of maths every week so that students can do the formula.

Forget the fee Gordon - it's my pleasure.
KAZ

Leningrad

It's on its way to London.

Did you see it in 'Guardian Weekend'? The article was titled 'Is this the most Beautiful modern painting in the World?'

When I saw this massive painting on a visit to Leningrad in the eighties it zapped my eyeballs and dropped my jaw! After a few minutes the Jaaazzfan thoughtfully rearranged my face.

I was already a Matisse fan - but to find him in communist Russia on the top floor of the Hermitage was a mind blowing surprise. Yes that's me in the photos - from that day my liking turned to semi obsession.

The trip to Leningrad (it reverted to St Petersburgh in 1991) was jointly organised by NUT and NUPE (now Unison) and fuelled by gallons of cheap vodka. We visited a school and sat in on perfect lessons.

In spite of the fact that this school was called A1, we were assured that all schools were exactly the same. This myth didn't survive the next day when we came upon a school trip of badly dressed, cheeky students smoking behind the teacher's back.

'The Dance' was commissioned in 1909 by Schukin - Matisse's Russian sponsor who almost lost his nerve when he saw the finished painting. In later years Matisse became much more conventional and painted interiors and reclining ladies (odalisques).


According to the Manchester Evening News it's now cheaper to travel Virgin Atlantic to NY than to go to London by train. So you'll have to go and see it for me.

I shall now throw off all my clothes and dance naked in the park. But - hold on - it's a bit chilly and a bit wet and I don't want to frighten the ducks. Do I?

KAZ

Rare and Possibly Extinct?

It's that time of year again.

Early January is when I harness up the huskies, switch on the satnav and make my annual journey to Borders in Stockport . That photo is just to remind you that there is a fate worse than Gordon.

Stockport is where Mancunians go when they are feeling over stimulated and too excited by life. It is the beta blocker of towns.

Last Saturday the car park of this soulless retail centre was overflowing with people willing to pay 40p (minimum) to allow PC World, MacDonald's and Toys 'r Us to separate them from their money.

So why was I there? Well - Borders reduce calendars to half price in January and Kev's birthday is on the 15th. The Everton calendar is not much in demand round here as he’s their only supporter in Greater Manchester.

Glossary - Everton is the name of a Merseyside team who play football with a round ball in BLUE shirts. It is owned by impresario Bill Kenwright who used to be Betty's son (our Gordon).

But this year I'd left it too late. They had Chelsea, Arsenal, Aston Villa, Spice Girls, Che Guevara, Guinea pigs, Bichon Frisé (honest) and Nuns Having Fun .... but no Everton. Must be the price to pay for winning some recent matches.

You'll be relieved to know that I tracked it down on the last minute at Hilary's place - half price of course.
KAZ

PEOPLE WHO DON'T LIVE UP TO THEIR HAIRSTYLES

Well you weren't much help were you? Only Ziggi applied her extensive knowledge of physics to the 'choice of seat on the bus' problem.

Anyway, today the front seats were both taken so I had to sit further back.

This is how I identified the syndrome of 'People who don't live up to their Hairstyles'.
On my left was a young bloke with an extreme mohican. However, he was wearing a tan suede jacket, grey trousers and dirty black trainers. His plump girlfriend had lanky hair, and shapeless jeans.

In front of me was a glorious work of art in the John Cooper Clark/ Amy Winehouse/Russell Brand style. It was silky and clean - I wanted to reach out and bury my hand it. This guy was wearing the full black Russell style outfit as well. He must have been an expert backcomber, but his face (I'd seen it as I walked to my seat) was shy and mousey.

Talking of experts - my backcombing skills were once the envy of Lancashire.
My school hat was always perched on top of my beehive which not only looked ridiculous but invariably led to detention.

Extreme backcombing was my only talent - so I found it a bit difficult to move on when this happened.

KAZ

KAZ's Safety

When I go into town I take the bus … and I go into town a lot.
I always go upstairs where I always sit on the front seat for the best view.

Recently I have felt some anxiety. If the bus pulls up suddenly I’m out of my seat and jettisoned through the front window to form a bloody broken heap in the road – only to be finished off by an oncoming BMW.

Or - much worse than death - I could end up in MRI.

There are two front seats upstairs – one (on the right) is set back from the window by several feet. The other (on the left) is very close to the front window with no leg room. Shortarses (spellchecker wanted to change that to shirtdresses) don’t need leg room – so I have a choice.

On the left I will certainly hit the window - but quickly with no chance to build up momentum. On the right I may have time to grab something for safety and hold on tight. But if I fail, I hit that window running and my chances are nil.

I’m sure the laws of Physics could advise me, but I’ve forgotten them all.

Yesterday I caught a Bullock’s bus.

And it had seat belts – Great!

But, there’s only one Bullocks on the route, so I still need an answer to my 'left/right seat dilemma'.

KAZ

January 8th

It'll soon be Jan 8th.

I don't know what particular combination of stellar influences made this day so special. It is the day when three of the most incandescent mega stars ever to inhabit the planet were born. Elvis appeared in 1935, Bowie in 1947 and Shirley Bassey in 1937.

This post is all about Shirley.

My late lamented dad (Bert) adored and worshipped Burly Chassis with a passion. He was a shy retiring sort of bloke who spent most of his time with his nose in a book hiding from his energetic young wife (my mum).

So Shirley was an unlikely love object for Bert.

In those days (2 channels and 2 colours) the highlight of the viewing week was 'Sunday Night at the London Palladium'. Bruce Forsyth - who was already well past his prime - ran the show . When Shirley was topping the bill, dad became increasingly excited as Sunday approached. He spent the day itself gripped by the tension of anticipation. The show started and we sat patiently through jugglers, acrobats, performing dogs and 'Beat the Clock' until a few minutes before Shirley was due to appear.

At this point Bert called out 'C'mon Oscar' and .. took the dog out for a walk?

It happened every time. Mum often asked why - but he just shrugged.

What would he think of Shirl aged 70 in her red M&S dress singing Pink's Get the party Started song?

Happy Birthday Shirl.
KAZ

Originals

This is a picture of Kev. You can poke him through that hole in Sputnik if you don't believe me.

'Twas a shock when he showed up in this T shirt yesterday - surely it died years ago.
Although not quite as ancient as the wearer, this is a very old garment. It's ages since I bought it from a car boot sale when it was already vintage.

Why buy it?

Well the title is 'Originals' and it advertises the rare and possibly extinct 'Flowers Original' - as fine a pint of real ale as you can imagine. I used to pull frothing pints of it for Skegness holiday makers when I worked as a barmaid.

The T shirt inspired a game which we played yearly on campsites in France and Spain during the eighties and nineties. The drunker we were and the darker it became the more hysterically enjoyable it was

The rules are very simple Kev (wearing T shirt) and Kaz sit on opposite sides of camping table which holds several bottles of red wine which probably cost about 20pence each.

Kaz: Second row second left?
Kev: gi' us a clue
Kaz: No
Kev: Ish it Tea bag?
Kaz: No
Kev: Ish it Shtradivarious? ......and so on

So now that the party season's over and you're all skint - I suggest you print the picture out, pin it to your chest and have a go.

Or better still do an updated version using some of today's originals e.g. iPod, low fat rhubarb yogurt (mmmm) or heelies (thanks Betty).
Any more inspiration?
KAZ