Fly on the Wall

I love this pic of the two greatest scientists of the last century.

What do you think Albert is saying to Madame Curie?'

'Which do you like best Marie - Spangles or Smarties?'


I had to go over to Canada to meet Tony even though he lives just over the Pennines in Hebden Bridge. In a recent comment, he introduced me to an excellent site where I found more unusual pictures of pairs of celebrities.

Errol Flynn to Brigitte - ‘Dye your hair blonde and take off those clothes if you wanna be a star'

Marc Bolan to Ringo
‘Painting your face! What a stupid idea.’

I wonder why Lauren and Warren (OOh I’m a poet) are trying to strangle Jack?


The King and the Greatest. Oh to be fly on the wall.

I'm not very good at this ...
What were they saying?

Any more thoughts?

KAZ

Reinvention

I’d be a bit pissed off if Britney Spears did a crash course in Chemistry and got herself a column in the Guardian giving advice to A level students.

So I can imagine how some psychologists feel about Pamela Stephenson’s latest career. Oops - sorry I mean Pamela Stephenson Connolly.

How do you have sex 1.8 time a year??

Now Pamela used to be great on ‘Not the Nine O’clock News‘. She did a mean Janet Street Porter


Now that Billy isn’t funny any more - she probably has to bring home some cash - but why can‘t she just go and work at Tesco like most women?

Remember the lovely Kim Wilde? Sexy pop star all in black - the subject of many a lad’s wet dreams.
Then she got chubby and reinvented herself as a gardening expert.

Alan Tit couldn’t complain because, as well as a novelist and music presenter he starts a new daytime chat show next week.

But we’ll forgive my pal Bill Oddie. He was always a birder - the Goodies were just a small diversion.
Oh and he never did like that Humble woman.

I wish she’d reinvent herself.
Reinvention? Anyone else?

KAZ

Smoking

It hasn't been a good year for smokers.

They are the pariahs of our society. They have nowhere to run.
But it wasn't always so.

Smoking used to be seriously glamorous.

Everyone wanted to smoke:

......Even mums.....

.......and nudists ....

....and they were encouraged to smoke twice as many ....

.........and pass the smoke on to non smokers - no change there then.

I'm lucky - I never started smoking.

My dad, mum and gran used to call out to me from behind a wall of smoke generated from their Capstan Full Strength - 'Don't do it Kaz!'

So I took to the drink instead!

KAZ

An INVITATION?

Don’t come over to my place for breakfast.

My pop up toaster sends the toast into orbit and the cleanliness of my kitchen floor can’t be guaranteed.

Don’t come over to my place for lunch.

I don’t do lunch.

Don’t come over to my place for dinner.

I don’t have a cooker. I had it taken out to make more space.

There’s a microwave - but it’s easier to go upstairs, over to Abdul’s or Wetherspoons or into town.

Feel free to give me a ring, send an e mail or comment on the blog.

Or why not come round for a drink and a nibble.

KAZ

Where were you?

It was thirty years ago today!

1977

I was in Belgium attending an International course for science teachers.

I assure you that this sort of thing was not usual. A feminist inspector had nominated me. Manchester Education Committee agreed to foot the bill.

All the lectures were in foreign so we just ignored them and had a fine time. On the first evening the champagne reception put most of us out of action for a couple of days.

On one particular evening I had been dancing on the table in a very seedy underground dive of a nightclub. I staggered/crawled back to my hotel room and flicked on the radio.

My God these Belgians like Elvis.

An hour later I stirred from the drunken haze - still Elvis.

Summat strange I thought - he must be dead.

I had been his no 1 fan.

But by this time I'd lost interest. I wasn't that bothered. I needed some sleep to prepare for the next day's drinking.

How did I do it?

When Kennedy died I was at a sixth form conference in Wigan.
When Bob Marley died I was saving my mum from a chip pan fire.
I can't tell you about John Lennon.

KAZ

In the HOOD

I saw Dawn French interviewing Victoria Wood on the telly.

Predictably Dawn was doing most of the talking. 'Jennifer' she said 'goes to the hairdressers, sits down and says ... Don't chat to me - just do my hair…’ Dawn confessed that she spent anxious hours before her appointments thinking of witty anecdotes to entertain the stylist. This quite endeared me to Dawn.

Victoria didn't get a word in.

Since emerging from a hairdressers years ago looking like Leo Sayer, I find having my hair done very scary.

But, at my local tonsorial parlour, we have Natalie whose chat is unmissable.

Unfortunately she can't talk without waving her hands in the air. Obviously this is not good for a hairdresser and drives me mad as I sit tensely waiting for the next snip or blow.

Whatever I want to know about the inhabitants of our flats she will tell me - I don’t even have to ask.

Example:
‘Anne's still depressed She’s cancelled a couple of times on the last minute. Mind you, I can sympathise with those panic attacks. Last month I hyperventilated in the middle of a perm.’

Victoria Wood could find enough material here to last her for the next 10 years.

We compete with anecdotes about local celebs. I can never win as the Gallaghers and Max Beesley used to be regular visitors to her mum’s house.

I only have the Oranges and a mate who used to teach Kevin off Corrie.

Perhaps I should stick with the vibrator.

KAZ

Come Fly with me

This is a bit like Betty's 'Spot the Difference'. Though it's a bit different - as you will spot.

15.1 million passengers caught cheap flights out of Britain last month.

Can YOU spot the difference between these two routes?

In the RED corner - Ryanair ... Liverpool to Girona




In the BLUE corner - Monarch Airlines ...Manchester to Barcelona



To catch the Monarch flight (one per day) you have to get up before you go to bed - even though Manchester Airport is only a short taxi ride away.

Thanks to Terrorvision, after a leisurely lie in you can get to John Lennon, have lunch in Wetherspoons at the airport and arrive in Girona for an early evening aperitif.

At Manchester airport you can drink Starbucks and buy designer luggage - Isn't it a bit late to buy your luggage at the airport?

The security is frightening and the stress levels are high.

At Liverpool airport you can buy embarrassingly tacky Beatles souvenirs. All scousers are comedians by law - so the entertainment comes free.

On my last visit the lad behind me in the checkout queue had brought his mum's passport instead of his own. He was very relaxed about it.

Eileen once turned up with an expired passport and they let her on the plane anyway.

Monarch has in flight entertainment on tiny tellies - always ancient episodes of 'Vicar of Dibley' or 'My family'. They also give you a reserved seat and free newspapers. The Daily Telegraph told me about Royals, Socialites and Sloanes - I read that Peter Philips is the first of the Queen's grandchildren to get married. What a lovely couple they make..

On a Ryanair flight there's nowt. After fighting off several koppite bastards to get a seat - you can buy a Pepsi or a Kitkat.

Both will sell you a glass of white wine.
Neither can manage a glass of cold white wine.

OOooh - Stop Press - Security news from Ryanair.

Thank god it was Monarch that got me safely home to Manchester - fully clothed.

KAZ

More PICS

Well - as I was saying to Ziggi - that nude pic of Dicky Branson is really getting me down.

So here's a much nicer picture -



It's a Golden oriole and - Yeah! - we saw one yesterday!

It was here.



Before this I saw Thierry at the local market


This is offal


And this is even more offal - this poor girl obviously has to model undies to pay her medical bills.
Then to the supermarket for the basic essentials - bread, wine and olives (very biblical) and hair dye.

And - on the walk back I saw this strange sign - ???

KAZ

Apus Apus

I read that Sir Richard Branson felt compelled to tell the world that he is a member of the mile high club. Too much information Mr Branson - I suggest you stick to making your pickles.

Now if you want the real thing look no further that the 'avian mile high club' as demonstrated by the wonderful swift (Latin name Apus Apus.)

The swift has short legs which aren't much good for walking - so it doesn't bother. Using it's sickle shaped wings and streamlined body it does everything ON THE WING including feeding, socialising and mating . You've probably heard them screeching and screaming out to each other while they fly around in gangs over the fields and rooftops.

The swift is 'a restless spirit on an endless flight' - the Flying Dutchman of the bird world.

So if either Richard B or mj is looking for a 'novelty shag' I suggest they borrow some hang gliding equipment and try the real thing - apus apus style.

KAZ