Are you GREEN?

Isn't the word schadenfreude brilliant?

It means *malicious pleasure in the misfortunes of others* and I'm sure you know why I chose the above picture.

I regularly indulge in a bit of shadenfreude without any guilt feelings whatsoever.

But Envy is different. I hate myself when I feel jealous.
I feared I might be jealous of Friend B and her glittering dinner parties. Then I read in Cosmopolitan that you are only truly jealous of a person if you would like to swap places.

Yikes! I was cured instantly.

Philip Larkin had been a pal of Kingsley Amis at Oxford ......

........ but Kingsley seemed to have much more success in later life.

I think Philip preferred his little fat hairy friend.

Larkin writes to a friend in 1958 .... Kingsley's appearance on Network 3 on Jazz (the first of 6 programmes) has had its obvious effect on me.

"I am a corpse eaten out with envy, impotence, failure, envy, boredom, sloth, snobbery, envy, incompetence, inefficiency, laziness, lechery. envy, fear, baldness, bad circulation, bitterness, envy, sycophancy, deceit, nostalgia etcetera."

G'won Phil don't hold back.

And why should Sven?

KAZ

Friday night and Saturday morning

3.20 am phone rings.

I wake up, say 'Oh dear' and answer politely.

"Kaz someone's broken into your 'onda and set fire to two other cars!"

I love my sleep so much I was tempted to say "thanks" and roll over again.

Eventually dragged sleepy self down to car park behind flats to stand in frosty night and have nice friendly chat with neighbours and firefighters whilst drunken students on overlooking balcony sang 'Baby you can light my fire'.

Very pleasant but a warmer and earlier time would have been preferable.

The passenger window on the 'onda was smashed and the handbook scattered on floor. Neil observed that the tyres had been let down but I reassured him that they just hadn't been blown up - why don't they do that as part of the service?

Kev was fussing, faffing and taking charge (once a teacher always a .......er).

Another damaged car belonged to Erik - a Sven soundalike. He gave me a serious look and asked "Vill you be moving away now Kaz?". I tried to explain about Manchester..

The following morning was Saturday - vital to get a new window.
For once a phone call had great results.

Rang AA (not that one)

Put straight through to AUTOGLASS

Short wet drive to Salford

Fixed while I waited.

Oh and it opens now - it didn't before

Kev still fussing and flapping - felt better after Everton 7 Sunderland 1.

After a visit to Tesco there was a shock on opening the boot - it was EMPTY apart from 2 new boxes of Christmas lights from IKEA

The vandals had run off with a large bag of my old clothes. It was on its way to the charity shop. I hope one of them is a shortarse or they will be very disappointed.

Don't worry I'll make sure Oxfam doesn't lose out.

KAZ

Inventions we didn't need

"The more you have the more there is to go wrong"

This is an excellent motto. I avoid gadgets.

You will not find a Magimix food processor, espresso maker, personal smoothie maker, deep fat fryer or even - that essential middle class accessory - a bread maker in my kitchen.

I have resisted the temptation to buy a Satnav even though I often get lost between Withington and Burnage.

Beer burglar alarms, Bluetooth watches and Blackberries will not be welcome in my Christmas stocking.

I thought that gadgets were a 21st century thing.

Wrong!!
Look at these examples from the forties and fifties.

This gives a whole new meaning to the term 'bubble bath'. Just lie back and forget Health and Safety for once.

And how have you managed to wash your doilies for the last 50 years without one of these?

This multifunctional consumer durable is marketed for the 'housewife on the farm'. It's a washing machine that minces your meat and churns the milk while doing the weekly wash.

Love your kids but want a bit of peace?

Finally for the gal who has everything -

KAZ

Man on a Train

I was on the train from Tameside to Manchester with free tickets to see the preview of *American Gangster*.

Kev was waiting in Wetherspoons and Russell and Denzel in the Odeon. I was reading the Guardian interview with Ridley Scott (the director) who says he directs fillums not movies - he's from the North east) .


A guy gets on at Ashton under Lyne - Ridley was deserted in favour of the dishy newcomer.

How can I describe him?

Late forties, very tall with a crucial haircut, excellent cheekbones and those lovely intellectual style specs. He wasn't wearing a suit but looked smart in a casual sort of way - a sexy academic type. Like a young Charles Dance with Max Von Sydow overtones.
And then .... he searched inside his smart brief case and withdrew ...... a half bottle of Vodka. He quickly necked a sizeable volume. Several minutes later he delved into the bag again and pulled out a magazine as well as having a second huge glug.
The magazine was 'Inside soap' - so much for the intellectual academic theory.


Whilst continuing to be absorbed in his reading matter he had several more swigs from the bottle. It was empty by the time we got to Victoria 12 minutes later.


For once I was delighted to see Kev quietly drinking his lager like a model of temperance.


The fillum was excellent.
KAZ

Poodle

I popped into 'Help the Aged' yesterday.

And ..... before you say it ... NO ... I wasn't looking for Help. They'd reduced all their videos to 50p - who could resist??

As I walked through the door - I was greeted by one of the assistants who said ....

"You look like a poodle"

I was a little shaken I'll tell you. Wouldn't you be? I know the girl wasn't the sharpest knife in the drawer and she was seriously lacking in social skills - but still.

After pretending to look through the dusty dresses and dog eared paperbacks and trying to give an appearance of uncaring nonchalance, I escaped, rushed home and google imaged "poodle"

I was distraught. I was looking for clues.

Not this - I haven't been a brunette for a some time now.

Amazingly I found a website for other victims of poodle accusation here. I am not alone. My fellow sufferer is called a Bichon Frisé.

It was a windy day and my hair (shabby blonde at the moment) was sticking upwards and outwards. I was wearing a sort of trench coat with the collar tuned up in a cool Eric Cantona sort of way (OK pathetic I know).

Could this have resembled the poodle's shape?

Then I remembered that (like me) many poodles don't go to the poodle parlour.

How about this?

Come on KAZ - Get over yourself - please.

The Holy Diet

A round of applause for Stitch who has lost half a stone using her new 'eat less' diet. Now this diet takes serious will power.

Every ready to help - I have invented the 'holy diet'.

It's not like the 'Jesus Diet' where you only eat loaves and fishes (honest I read it in the Observer). On the 'holy diet' you can scoff lots of ciabatta - my bread of choice these days. How can it make you fat when it's full of holes?

You may like to eat it with a little Swiss cheese.


For 'pudding' how about some Maltesers (above)? Their old adverts used to boast about it.

I'm thin now - but I spent the first 45 chubby years of my life trying to lose weight.

This is the book that finally helped me - though it might not be for everyone.

I've mentioned Susan Powter's fat formula before.

Look at the food label. Multiply the kcal from fat by 10. If this comes to more than one third of the total no of kcal then don’t eat it. If it’s less go ahead. Ignore any of the claims on the label.

Oh and you have to move about a bit as well.

KAZ

Coats & Ats

Garfer asked in a recent comment - "Why bother with abroad?". He proceeded to give a compelling argument against it.

Well - yes - I have enjoyed cocktails for breakfast (and many other delights) in Wigan. But, surely we go abroad to see things we couldn't find at home. The Pyramids in Egypt or the Prado in Madrid.

I don't need to visit Paris to see the 'Tour Eiffel' because we have our own in Lancashire.

But the one experience you can't have in good old UK any more is........... a visit to C&A.

Come on - who remembers Man at C & A?

Well he's still alive and well in central Barcelona.

Yessica, Clockhouse, Angelo Litrico, Canda, Sixth Sense - all the labels are still there and the clothes haven't changed one bit. So tell your auntie, grannie or Mr. P to nip over on Ryanair for a wallow in sartorial nostalgia.

I also saw a shop named after me. Good clothes too.

KAZ

P.S. Kev wondered why I was taking photos of C&A - he'll know now.

Sing Along with DORIS

ll KAZ is TWO ll

ll So to celebrate - I've written a little song. ll

Here's Doris in Calamity Jane (after she'd scrubbed up) to remind you of the tune.

So - have a wash - take a deep breath and sing along ..... cue intro ..

Once I had a secret blog

that lived inside of my p.c,

All too soon my lovely Kev

became impatient it to see.

So I told him there’s no way,

the way that bloggers often do

It’s been there 2 years to the day

This url is not for you

I won’t shout it from the highest hills,

I won’t tell the golden daffodills.

Just search for ‘Bapwatch’ there’s the door,

and my secret blog's no secret anymore....

I won’t shout it from the highest hills,

I won’t tell the golden daffodills.

If you think that it’s not fair

just google 'Dogging' - you'll be there

(And once more with feeling )

I won’t shout it from the highest hills,

I won’t tell the golden daffodils.

In plain txt or html

My secret blog’s still secret - Please don't tell

KAZ

Sin Prole

According to my super skinny Euro Grauniad (price 3 euros or 3.75 on Sat) - Her Majesty Helen Mirren was put off the idea of having kids because she saw an explicit 'giving birth' film at school.


Apparently 'fear of childbirth' is called ... Tokophobia.

Brave people sometimes ask..."Kaz - why didn't you get around to sprogging?"

So here are 10 reasons why KAZ is 'without issue'?

1. I'm no good at multi tasking
   
   
2. You can't take them back for a refund.
   
   
3. I'm an only child
   
   
4. I like going to the pub
   
   
5. I saw that film
   
   
6. If I carry 2 things I always drop one.
   
   
7. I need 8 hours sleep
   
   
8. We were the first pill users and had to fight to get it - I got used to it.
   
   
9. The jaaazz fan was too cooool.
   
   
10. I didn't think I was unusual.

KAZ