NO GOOD

It's no point staying at home because this has been cancelled again.

KAZ

CLOSER than you think.

This weekend's cover might just be the last straw (ha ha!)

It could be all over between KAZ and the Guardian.

On the very day after I stopped work the Saturday Guardian completely changed its format.

Two new supplements were introduced - 'Guardian Work' (I don't) and 'Guardian Family' (I haven't any)

I sent them an e mail to find out whether they were trying to get rid of me. They didn't print it.

Perhaps 'Guardian Family' should be renamed 'Guardian Dysfunctional Family'.
Recent articles have been:

'A letter to my alcoholic husband' (sounds familiar).

'Why I invited my dad to be my birthing partner'

'My ex-partner secretly changed our son's surname from mine to hers'

Last week I came across a copy of 'Closer' in the dentist's waiting room.

They have very similar "real life" stories

'I'm glad my boyfriend slept with my sister -now our romance is stronger than ever'.

'I was an anorexic woman but a sex change cured me'.

Other Guardian family features are more like 'Woman's Weekly'

'Is it possible for a family to do Yoga together'?

'Can Nikki and her daughter make a skirt each in just 2 hours?

'Knit a stylish scarf without needles'

I cannot bring myself to comment on the Kate Garraway photo.
KAZ

Latest

Oh - but hold on a minute - isn't it Bank Holiday?



Nice Music.

Or you could try HERE.
KAZ

'Don't Embarrass Me'.

Human nature??

Don't talk to me about 'Human Nature'.

Does it exist?

I do try to understand my fellow humans ..... but ......

..... did you see Channel 4's 'Embarrassing Illnesses' last week?

I pressed the button on the remote to be treated to the sight of a bloke's bare backside revealing the most horrendous hemmoiroids hemarroids piles.

The story was that they had become so bad over the years because he had been too embarrassed to go to the doctor.

WHAT?

So, here he was on primetime TV in front of millions of viewers exposing his disfigured bare backside to strangers, friends and family. The camera cut between his face and his buttocks as the doc examined his piles with far too much enthusiasm.

I was glad I'd had mi tea early.

How do channel 4 persuade someone to do this? Is alcohol involved? Or massive amounts of money?

If the poor guy craved fame he could have been on 'Flog it' with that terribly nice chap. Or - if he had nothing to flog - how about 'Wife Swap' or 'Make me a Christian'?

How will he ever face the bus queue or his colleagues in the office again?

We also had the rugby team examining their tackle, the sexy girl with flatulence and the young woman with inverted nipples who was embarrassed about showing her breasts (except on TV of course).

Thank goodness the bloke with athlete's foot only took his socks off.

KAZ

Feminist's guide to Footie.

Say goodbye to peaceful weekends from now on.

The madness starts again on Saturday. Mood swings, anguish, howling, tantrums and self medication are predicted.

To kick off the season we have -

Everton v Blackburn Rovers

I hope for a draw.

Malc was puzzled by the fact that I'm an Everton fan. You may recall that I never missed a home game at Ewood Park during my formative years. I loved Blackburn Rovers with a consuming passion

However, most women grow to support teams for diplomatic reasons. Each day you hear your significant other banging on and on and on about signings and fitness tests and managers trading players like the wife in the 'Mayor of Casterbridge'.

Eventually you become converted.

I'm not proud of it.

My Scouse friend Carolyn was a Koppite who married a Manchester bloke. Within months she was supporting United.

Now I could never do that.

Or wait a minute
maybe I could!!?

KAZ

Amazons?

So the first (and only at time of going to press) gold medal to a Brit in Beijing has gone to a female cyclist. She was cheered by 10 supporters and a stray dog as she received her medal in the driving rain.

As usual a tear came to my eye as they played 'God save the Queen' ...and how I hated myself.

Apparently other countries like to joke that British Olympians perform well only when sitting down, with cycling, sailing, rowing and equestrianism the country's most successful sports in recent times.

British cyclists are doing really well now and most of that success is centred round the efforts at Manchester Velodrome.

Remember Mark Cavendish who won 4 stages in the Tour last month? He lived just round the corner while he was training with his team - I nearly knocked them off their bikes one day when driving the 'onda out of the car park.

Other women cyclists tipped to bring home gold are and Shanaze Reade and Victoria Pendleton who famously posed in the nude.

But I'm so glad that I wasn't an Amazon or an alpha female.

I could never run fastest or jump highest. Competitive sports had me forging a note from my mum or forgetting (?) my kit

It's also good that I wasn't a striking beauty. OK - I could cut the mustard when necessary - but Claudia Schiffer had nothing to fear.

So as everything falls apart it isn't so noticeable or distressing. If you have to depend on beauty, speed or athleticism, it must be awful when it all starts to disintegrate.

KAZ

Shall we Dance?

Anyone remember Tony Curtis?

In the days BC (before celebrity) he was a real megastar. He was idolised by both men and women - mainly for his hairstyle.

He had beautiful legs as well!
There was a joke:
Here goes - hope I don't forget the punch line.

Bloke to Barber: 'A Tony Curtis please'. .....
Barber gets going a tad too enthusiastically and the bloke's black curls fall to the floor a little too quickly....
Bloke to Barber: 'You do know Tony Curtis don't you?'
Barber to Bloke: 'Yeah - I saw 'The King and I' ten times'.

[Ed: second time for this pic - it won't do you know]

So when Kev brought his vicious looking haircutting machine round last night and asked me to 'Trim' his hair, I said (as usual) "Certainly sir - I saw the King and I".

And then I remembered I'd seen Tony recently on TV - he looks like this.


Here he is with his Pal.

"On the clear understanding
That this kind of thing can happen,
Shall we dance?
Shall we dance?
Shall we Dance ? "

By the time you read this he might be dead.

Tony I mean, Yul already is - and Kev is quite well.
KAZ

NOTOX

You probably saw this pic in your tabloid.

Super sexygenarian Helen Mirren looks fab in her bikini but we are assured that she doesn't do botox or photoshop.

I can't help noticing that hubby kept his clothes on.

But Helen has always been keen to get her kit off. Remember that scene in 'The Cook, the Lion, the Wardrobe and her Lover '?

You may think that Helen's contemporaries such as Joanna, Kaz, Sharon, Lulu, Meryl, Sigourney and Camilla are pleased about this.

NO WAY.

Pics like this invite odious comparisons and raise expectations.

BUT - if Helen does it all by exercise and diet - lets see what we can do to make it as easy as possible for the rest of us eh?

1: EXERCISE.

[Blog and jog at the same time.]

['Reduce corpulence' and cure your gout.]

2: WEIGHT LOSS:

2 shillings (10p) buys you this SOAP. Just use it on the bits you want to minimise and carry on eating the pies.

'Rebuff a cream puff' with 'Ayds'.

If all else fails you can depend on the Sanitised Tapeworm.

Note there's no need for baths.

........ Oh and if you go too far - how about this?? Happy to help ... KAZ