The P Word!

I always seem to be in a hurry.

Don't think that idling just involves a bit of reclining about on the chaise longue all day.

Oh NO!

It takes effort and imagination to be a successful idler.

So, yesterday when I was trying to run up the escalator in the Arndale I said (to myself) why can't these bloody pensioners get out of my way?
OOps!

I really hate the P word.

I know I know - but I chose the URL a few days before I was one. It seemed amusing at the time.

Presumably a pensioner is someone who gets a pension. So YOUNG Dave is technically a pensioner even though he is a mere babe.

Michelle Hanson said it for me in the Guardian on Tuesday.

"What does being a pensioner mean anyway? Anyone from around 60 to 100 or more. That's people with up to 40 years between them, all lumped together and expected to look the same. No one would expect a five-year-old and a 45-year-old to wear the same frock."


So Michelle - may I suggest a new classification?

Aged 60 to 65: YIP (yippy) = Young Inexperienced Pensioner
(This includes me and Rog - though of course he's male so he doesn't actually get a pension yet.)

Aged 65 to 70: GUP (guppy) = Grown Up Pensioner.

Aged 70 to 75: SOP (soppy) = Slightly Older Pensioner

Aged 75 to 80: POP (poppy) = Practised Older Pensioner

Aged 80 to 90: VOP (voppy) = Very Old Pensioner

Aged 90 to 100: OAP

And those of you still under 50 will be a NAP (Nappy) = No Available Pension - ever.

And I do apologise to you - no really.

But you do still have your blooming youth.
Lucky you.

KAZ

R.I.P.

GOOD BYE
Oh WISE ONE.

Trailblazers

"I never thought it would happen in my lifetime"?

I wish I had a quid for every time I've heard someone say that during the last few weeks.

So we now have a wonderful black president - but what next - a woman, a gay man, a black woman, a gay black woman?

The first trailblazer I remember was Angela Rippon, the BBC's first female newsreader. It was said that people just wouldn't accept receiving distressing news from a woman. Women just weren't serious enough.

Angela was hardly a revolutionary - she spent most of her later life mouldering away on 'Come Dancing'. It wasn't strictly necessary then so no one watched it.


Then there was Trevor McDonald - the first black newsreader. A man with such gravitas and elocution skills you'd be scared to even say hello to him.


Who was England's first black footballer?
I remember a campaign in the early seventies by (I think) The Sunday Times to get a few home-grown Pelés and Eusébios onto our pitches.

My research shows that the earliest may have been Clyde Best.

So West Ham had their very own Bestie?

Paul Ince was the first black manager of an English premiership side. He lasted for 6 months. I hope Obama will be more successful than Paul.

Surely Britain will one day have a black prime minister.

We tried a woman once but it didn't work.

KAZ

Withnail & Drugs.

I suppose you heard that the cottage which belonged to Withnail's Uncle Monty (a.k.a. Hector in The History Boys) is for sale. It's near Shap in Cumbria - an area I know well. Not the cottage - probably because it 's 2 miles from the nearest road.

It 's under the hammer at the Berkeley Hotel in Knightsbridge, London, on 16 February, with a guide price of £145,000.


When I think of Withnail I always remember his attempt to beat the breathalyser after his drunken drive along the motorway to the fabulous sound of Voodoo Chile.


Sadly, he didn't have the internet where you'll find lots of sites hoping to sell you synthetic urine. You can have male or female - they get the hormones right for you.

The methods for of delivering it to the bottle are provided - including five inch ultra realistic prosthetic penis (available in 3 skin tones) heat pads to maintain correct temperature and 3 foot tubing with dispenser.

Users can fall foul of the law. A Swedish doctor says "Ever since I became aware of this false penis cheating method, I check their underpants to ensure there is only one penis". Hmmmm.

What a shame that (allegedly)cocaine using England prop forward Matt Stevens hadn't read this before he took his test..

I couldn't find Withnail's police station scene so here they are demanding cake and fine wines in the tea shop.


Richard E Grant is teetotal which makes his performance even more wonderful.

KAZ

TOILET?

The first thing John Jennings ever said to me was "I'm going for a slash". I loved him passionately for the next four years. But it all ended badly ..... I met the Jaaazz fan.

If he'd been from the States he'd probably have said "I'm going to the bathroom".

During a vampire fight scene in this execrable Tarantino film which is full of filth, violence, disgusting language and horrendous images a boy asked to be directed to the rest room.

What is it with these Yanks?

'Engleby' by Sebastian Faulks has a similar theme to 'Hangover Square'. An excellent read but rather upsetting.

The main character is a working class lad who wins a scholarship to a high-flying grammar-school. His posh classmates call him ' Toilet ' when they hear him use the word which they consider far too common.

T.K. Max calls them Toilets where they provide equal opportunities for this activity.


I still "go to the bog" except when in polite company which I never am.

What about you?
KAZ

Barred

Can anyone tell me why Bloglines won't let me in?

I've not appeared on their list for a month.

I know we don't really need Bloglines now. We have those rolling blogrolls where you get your few minutes of fame at the top and then sink to everlasting oblivion.

But I still like Bloglines. It tells me when old friends like sl, Beryl and Anx have emerged for a breath of fresh air.

Perhaps it fell out with me because I went to Spain for Christmas.

The trouble started just after I got home.

I suffer from chronic paranoia already. If someone so much as frowns in my presence I take it personally.

So please tell me what's going on.
Is it something I said?
Am I wearing the wrong deodorant?
KAZ
Update:
The problem appears to be fixed.
When I was writing the post I pressed that orange square on the right of the address bar.
I've examined the template and cleared up the sidebar.
But I still don't know why Bloglines 'barred' me and no one else.
:0(

Second City Stories

When my muse deserts me I can always rely on the Manchester Evening News (free City Edition) for blogging inspiration.

Of course yesterday's edition (Scolari boys shot down in flames) was full of United's three - nil victory over Chelsea.

Ziggi will take full credit for this.

In order to knock Liverpool from the top spot, I shall now be a devoted Man United supporter, except for the match on 7th February for obvious reasons.

The front page exposed a Primark sweatshop in Manchester (not India or China this time) where machinists are badly treated and paid only £3 an hour.

No - I don't think its address was Coronation Street.

But by far the best story is ‘Nude sex romp in Oldham office window‘. A group of about 20 onlookers gathered to watch and cheer them on but the naked couple were having far too much fun to notice.

See - I told you Oldham was exciting.

Unfortunately there wasn’t a picture - so I provided the one above.

But perhaps you prefer this one ....

... or ..... Naked Morris dancing anyone?



KAZ

MP3

I may now be the only person in Manchester with a dock but no iPod.

Headphones are not for me. I only used them to get test match commentary on my Walkperson radio at Old Trafford circa 1984.


But a few weeks ago my CD player gave up the fight for life and now I have this.

It has DAB, iPod dock, CD player and wonderful sound too.

I must buy an iPod very soon.

So I need advice.


Entering the awe inspiring Apple shop in Manchester Arndale and amusing some cool young dude with my ignorance does not appeal.
Terms like sync, AAC format³ built-in accelerometer (did George W say that?), iPhone and Genius feature are not yet in my vocabulary.

Do I need 3000 songs, 16 hours of video and 120Gb?
Should I choose classic, nano or shuffle?
How do I get tunes and can I show photos from my camera?

Thanks
KAZ

Complex Issues

On the flight home from Spain I read a book called ‘The Reluctant Fundamentalist‘ by Moshin Hamid.

I hoped that it wouldn't cause suspicion at check in - but after the strip search and the internal examination - they were quite nice about it.

The protagonist in this excellent novel is an American educated Pakistani. He criticises and discusses the way America uses its wealth as a source of power to intervene in International conflicts.

Harold Pinter (who died on Christmas eve) was respected for his essays and speeches on the topic of US imperialism especially the Iraq invasion.

When it comes to international conflicts I always have an opinion and know which side I'm on. However, I seldom feel confident enough to discuss or pontificate about the complex issues involved.

The Arab Israeli conflict has been going for all my life. The latest invasion is frightening and horrific. I would join the protesters in the street - but I still don't feel qualified to write a closely argued essay on this issue.

So instead I'll write about the issue of plastic carrier bags at Marks and Spencer (Manchester city centre branch).

Kaz buys scarf for £4.99. She is given a bag and offered a larger one if she wishes.
Kaz goes downstairs and spends £18.47 on food and has to buy a bag for 5p.

Now that’s an issue I could discuss at length.

But I won’t bother.
KAZ

WHO am I?

Here are the answers.

1:Gordon Brown
2: Anglina Jolie (the lips)
3:Kate Moss


4: Wayne Rooney
5:Julia Roberts
6:Russell Brand

7: Celine Dion!!!
8: My lovely Thierry (no Dave - not Barack)
9: Steven Gerrard (ex Everton fan)

10: Ray Davies
11: Amy Winehouse
12: Nicole Kidman

KAZ