Senior Scream!

Did you go to Saturday morning pictures when you were a kid? I used to love it. It was a great excuse to meet boys, yell at the screen and behave badly. We used to sing along with loud ironic enthusiasm to the song at the beginning -

We come along on Saturday morning greeting everybody with a smile
We come along on Saturday morning
Knowing it’s well worth while etc. etc.

Can’t remember any more.

Many years later we come along to the Odeon on Tuesday morning to ‘Senior screen’.

I have mixed feelings about this. It is certainly an excellent (and inexpensive at £3) chance to catch up on good movies a few weeks late. You get a free cup of coffee as well. But I am still in denial about being a member of a pensioner club. So, along with several other lurkers, I creep in late when it’s all dark and put my usual curmudgeonly, unavailable face on.

The film had been running for 5 minutes and three grey perms in the middle were still having a loud conversation. If they’d been kids I would have done my ‘teach’ act but I just tried to forget about them and enjoy the film. 5 minutes later another grey wrinkly bellowed out ‘STOP TALKING PLEASE!!’.. And they did.

The film was ‘Little Miss Sunshine’ I wish they’d called it something different because it’s a very black comedy, which is both funny and edgy.

Do you remember the John Cleese film ‘Clockwise’, which was supposed to be funny but made you so tense you came out wanting a full bottle of Valium? Well it’s a bit like that - but very funny and very good and upbeat at the end. The critics said that it didn’t address the issue of American ‘Beauty Pageants’ seriously enough. I disagree - the denouement was much more effective than a heavy handed condemnation.

It’s an excellent film I recommend it unreservedly.

On the top deck of the bus home there were a few Somali youths playing Gangsta rap. I bet those noisy pensioners would have been ranting on about ‘The youth of today’.
KAZ

Insemination

Last November I noted that it was essential for the girls in Tameside to be pushing buggies containing a baby. Click the pic.

Round there, babies are the new IPOD.

I also noted that there was never a man in sight.

Immaculate conception perhaps?

But last Sunday I came across a notice that might explain this sprogging epidemic.

Perhaps I’m wrong, but the door was closed so I couldn’t find out what the notice was offering.Any better ideas?

KAZ

Bath or Shower?

You’ll be wondering about my plaster.

Eventually it didn’t come off in the bath. It ended its active life on the bathmat - which seemed appropriate.

The miracle plaster survived a remarkable 82 baths - some of them in Spain. But this is a picture of my latest plaster, which came off in the bath after 4 days.
It was applied to my arm by a vampire at the dental hospital who had just removed an armful of my blood for ‘tests’.

Are you a bath person or a shower person?

I much prefer baths to showers. Have you ever enjoyed a glass of Sauvignon or read a book in the shower?

I have showered in hundreds of French campsites where the water always ran cold suddenly.


Oh - but there was the glorious time when I discovered a tiny hole in the wall and watched a George Clooney lookalike enjoying his shower.

.....Excuse me for a moment

KAZ

Communication

Kaz on top deck of bus going into Manchester.

Pasty faced girl in a Primark parka gets on just as her mobile goes off.

* I’ve just gorron t’bus - I’m goin’ ter yer mam’s*

.....Pause for reply......

* No way - yer mam won’t let yer in ‘er ‘ouse.*

...........Pause .........


*She won’t let yer anywhere near the ‘ouse ‘cos she told me - right !?! *

……………..Long pause…………….

*I’ve met someone else*

………Short silent pause…………..

*I’VE MET SOMEONE ELSE!!!*

………..Very long pause - girl listens intently………………

*Well it were no good for me wi’ you bein’ in Strangeways.*

........Argument follows......

*Any road I’m goin’ to yer mam’s to get me stuff.*

Girl alights as conversation continues.

Another chip butty faced girl takes out a very expensive looking state of the art high tech silver mobile. Dials.

*Hi mum - I’m on the bus. Put the kettle on.*

I’ve read recently that one of the sure signs of a psychopath is a lack of friends.

So I took out my ancient mobile and dialled friend B (early Sauvignon perhaps?)

*Hi Kaz - great to hear from you we’re in Corte Inglese in Malaga looking for new towels.*

She would have described the bloody towels in intricate detail.

But I’m ‘Pay as you go’ … so I went.

Recycle old mobiles HERE

KAZ

Mutants

I’ll get round to the Kit Kat soon - bear with me.

On the short journey to Manchester by bus or train I read the free Metro newspaper. On arrival we are presented with the free City edition of the Manchester Evening News. The bloke at Victoria Station always says 'Thank you very much indeed sweetheart ' when I accept a copy from him.

We are bombarded by news from every angle on TV mobile ceefax web etc. On BBC news 24 there’s instant news on demand at any moment of the day, except in the early morning when you most want it. At this time they insist on showing the boring ‘Breakfast’ programme.

God knows how the Daily papers survive. Fortunately, if I can be bothered to walk round the corner, I can buy the guardian for 25p - I live in a student area and it’s subsidized.

Receiving so much news ‘does my ‘ead in’.

But a recent item in the free Metro has focused on a crucial issue concerning my snack of choice. Now this merits further discussion.

Mr Jason Philip of London bit into his Kit Kat only to find that it had no wafer inside, just plain milk chocolate. And it wasn’t just one finger either but all four bars. Jason was incredulous and asked Metro readers for suggestions about how this phenomenon could occur.

I googled ‘Kit Kat no wafer’ and found a blog entry by Graeme Woafe that described one with wafers oriented vertically. This writer refers to Jason’s 100% chocolate bar as the holy grail of Kit Kats.

What do you think? Graeme is entitled to his preferences, but surely If there’s no wafer you might has well have bought a Yorkie!

Now, whether you pay 25p or 70p, the Guardian simply doesn’t address itself to these contentious issues.
KAZ

Body Mass Index

Last September Madrid banned models with a Body Mass Index below 18 - calculate your BMI here

London Fashion week started yesterday and we are under pressure to do the same. Did you see the demonstrators with placards saying ‘I Y my curves.’?

Now, I’m not even a ‘Doctor Gillian type Doctor’ - but it seems to me that anorexia is unlikely to be brought on by a few pics of Mrs Beckham on a thin day.

I’ve known students with anorexia - it is the most awful frightening condition. Almost always it has deep rooted psychological origins. A mate’s mum used to be a cleaner at the ‘big house’ where she noticed that the daughter was ‘starving herself to death’. This was the thirties.

But back to BMI ..… What about the other end of the scale?

Curves are great (and wish I had some) but where is the line supposed to be drawn?

We know obesity is a killer - but it doesn’t prevent the BBC from going orgasmic because they’ve persuaded Dawn French to do another ‘Dibley’ on Christmas day. In fact Dawn, Fern Britton and Robbie Coltrane are national treasures.


I remember gulping in disgust when the lovely DS Penhaligon (Geraldine Somerville) had to get into bed with Cracker. She was beautifully naked and he still had his polo neck jumper on.

Don’t misunderstand me - I don’t want to ban fatties from the screen. I would hate to lose my lovely wonderful Eileen who is getting bigger and bigger. I regularly see her shopping in our local Sainsbury’s.

So - Kate Winslett, Patricia Hewitt, Tessa Jowell, Billie Piper etc - please encourage us to keep healthy but stop acting as body police.

Hope someone disagrees with me.
KAZ

The MEASURE

THE MEASURE (for women of a certain age)

With apologies to Weekend Guardian

Going UP

a Mushrooms : Recent research says they will make you live for ever and look like Penelope Cruz/Cameron Diaz ……. (or insert good looking person of choice).

a BIG jewellery: Distracts from turkey neck, sagging jowls and wrinkly bosoms.

a Root retouchers: ‘Save the badger’ but not on your head

a Grey: It’s great for clothes but not for hair. Don’t let the fact that it’s fashionable put you off. Wear it with pearls, silver, or more grey ...not bright colours.

a Smock dresses: I was in Top Shop with Eileen last week where we both said (in unison) ‘My dad used to hate those - they made you look pregnant’. Not a problem now! Not so sure about the matching leggings though.



Going DOWN

r Pensions: Unless you’re already getting one (sorry)

r Mushrooms: Don’t turn into one. Beige is OK but not from head to toe.

r Tanning studios: Use Rimmel Sunshimmer on your face. Apply moisturiser first. Even if you overdo it and turn into Cilla or Kilroy it washes off and doesn’t give you cancer.

r Polo necks: Trust me on this - They will not make you look 21 again. They will make your head look as if it's in an egg cup (ref: Guy Browning)

r Stooping: Stand up straight (Julie Walters is great but not Mrs Overall)

r Long hair: Do you want to look like Dr Gillian? Or - dare I say it - Madonna?

r Big Bosoms: At your age they’re bound to go down. Twiggy in her cardigan did wonders for M&S, but she was so much better when she was a real Twiggy.

Sorry chaps - I’ll have to think about you - there may be no hope.

But - a good rule is ‘ONLY wear ONE piece of denim at a time’ unless you really want to look like Les Battersby at a Status Quo gig.

KAZ

A Walk on the Tame side

It’s the time of year to think about holiday destinations.

How about taking a trip on the canal that flows through Tameside?

You may be amazed and delighted to find out what’s on offer

For accommodation there are rustic chalets.
Take advantage of economy car hire

- or high diving for the adrenaline junkies

Save some of your holiday budget for retail therapy


Be entertained by the humorous locals



There's no shortage of scenic picnic spots


For the culture vultures - there are modern art installations


And after all the fun you can sleep away your stress in luxurious comfort


It’s lovely really - more in part 2.
KAZ

Flushed

It’s Saturday again, so you’ll all be off to B&Q or Waitrose.

Of course we don’t have Waitrose up north. After all - if they let us have ‘Ballotine of Guinea Fowl with Prunes’ we’d only serve it with HP sauce and a barm cake.

But we do have Asda and I, of course, go there on weekday afternoons when there’s only a few old gits there carrying Roy ‘Rainman’ Cropper style shopping bags.

Asda have been boasting about their toilets recently. It’s probably the Walmart influence.

Unfortunately Mr Walmart hasn’t much influence over the attitude of the locals.
Talking of signs do you think this van belongs to Farmer Giles?
Enjoy your weekend!

KAZ