Wild life

Nic has been blogging since before he knew what a blog was.

He was one of the first people to comment on my blog and since then I have closely followed the fortunes of his family and local amphibians over at Planarchy.

Now he has a fabulous new website. It’s exactly what the title suggests. You must go over and see for yourself at London Daily Nature photo.

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Hello again - I'm glad you remembered to come back to my place.

Nic has inspired me to go out with my camera and record some wildlife in Greater Manchester.

You think I’m going to show you a picture of binge drinking in Market Street don’t you?

Well - sorry to disappoint you - but here’s some lovely blossom.

Bet you can’t spot the *odd duck out * in this pic.



That pigeon (or feral rock dove as we birders call it) looks like one of those designer lights.

Finally, You’ve heard of a blue arsed fly -

What about a Blue Arsed Sheep?

Perhaps I’ll leave it to Nic. Don’t forget to visit him every day.
KAZ

Quick fix

So the Artful Dodger was in rehab because he drinks (36 X2) espressos a day!

Espresso has been my coffee of choice for years. It’s a quick fix in a tiny cup.

If I wanted a meal I might choose latte or cappuccino as designer coffees often have more calories than a cream cake or a bacon buttie. Friend C often chooses full cream milk latte with vanilla syrup. She ladles in the sugar, eats the biccy in the saucer and then scoffs mine as well.

She isn’t getting smaller.

In Spain it’s café solo, in France it’s just café.

But in Manchester, terminology has become a problem. When I say ‘espresso please’ interrogation always follows.

Do you mean a little one like this? Separation of digits indicates size.

In Café Rouge last night we were given large cups, almost full.

‘This isn’t an espresso’.
‘It’s a double.’
I frowned - they replaced it.

It happens every time - why the recent change?

Last week in M&S café Revive…

Kaz -Espresso please

Do you want a large one?

No - an espresso.

(Counter assistant consults ‘Woman in Charge’ - she approaches looking concerned)

Ave you ‘ad it before luv?

WHAAAT? Kaz smoulders, counts to ten, applies teacher look and says ‘yes’

When I celebrate with friends A to E we go to our favourite place in the village. At Velvet, they know what ‘an espresso’ means.

I love it there.

'Im upstairs has a mid - life crisis machine.

KAZ

Risk Factor

I really love my home, but I go out a lot.

Why?

Well - it’s not only because Willy bloody Nelson is playing his bloody guitar upstairs all bloody day.

The reason is that ‘Home’ is a very dangerous place to be. Most accidents requiring hospitalisation (38%) occur in the home. Even sport only contributes 13%!

I try very hard to avoid injury because the thought of being hospitalised fills me with terror. I’d rather take a cyanide and rat poison cocktail than go into MRI (Manchester Royal Infirmary).

Why the phobia? Several reasons-

I fear murdering medics - like Beverley Allitt or this fresh faced young bloke.

Superbugs are waiting to get you. The advice in the Guardian was to fill up your case with antiseptic wipes and use them on everything - even the doctors and nurses. Eileen’s doc told her that there was no way he would send anyone into hospital unless it was a genuine emergency - her bunion wasn’t.

The main reason for my dread of hospital may sound trivial.

It’s the woman in the next bed with no teeth whose visitors who won’t go home and want to be nice to you because you haven’t got any.

It’s your own visitors who are seeing you without your mascara for the first time. You would never have them in you home anyway. In hospital, no one phones first or even rings the bell. They just walk in with a cheap bunch of flowers and a determination to cheerfully bore you for as long as they like.

All this when you are feeling ill and anxious.

Then there’s the vomit inducing food and the lack of music, reading matter, privacy, internet, Corrie, Sauvignon, mobile and access to drugs of choice (mainly Kalms).

You are a prisoner.

Oh and the safest activity - at a mere 1% of accidents - is SHOPPING!

Yeah!

See you in Top Shop!
KAZ

HUG a Hoodie

I’m on about Dave again.

But this time I bring sympathy and empathy.

I have many photos of me taken at famous places (e.g. Alhambra in Granada, Leaning tower of Pisa ..) where a passer by has completely stolen the show with a gleaming smile or long sexy legs. If I scanned and cropped I’d lose the lean or the Generalife.

Of course in Dave’s case the press weren’t inclined to ‘crop’. That girl is a real scene-stealer. I’m sure Dave would rather give her a hug than Ryan from Wythenshawe.

Now let’s be clear - Ryan did not aim a gun at Dave. He aimed his finger at Dave. After lengthy interrogation the police obtained a warrant, raided Ryan’s house and found ‘a small amount of cannabis’. Shock Horror!

I have taught lots of great young people from Wythenshawe - the massive, sprawling council estate built in the fifties and sixties.

Caroline Aherne based the Royle family there.

It’s not a bad place - but there’s absolutely nowt to do.

I imagine there’s plenty to do at Eton and Oxford, what with all the boating and debating.

But Dave still felt the need of a few spliffs.

Double standards or what?

KAZ

Is this a TREND?

When I saw this awful sight I thought it must say ‘Samuel Health’ and be an advert for a sort of Pensioners’ BUPA.

Then I remembered I wasn’t reading SAGA magazine, but Elle Decoration which I’d bought to get my 20% off at Habitat coupon.
As Elle Deco costs a massive £3.50 I need to spend at least £17.50 to get my money back!

How many blueberry scented candles does a girl really need?

Anyway, the ad was really for ‘Samuel Heath’ who makes the type of stylish bathroom fittings intended only for Penthouse loft places.
Even too posh for Habitat.

But I’d seen this Catweazle style a few days ago in the Guardian weekend magazine.


Perhaps this guy thinks he looks like this.

Whereas he really looks like this

Long hair can look fabulous on a bloke.

But - like Sampson before him - Viggo didn’t cut the mustard when it was cut off for ‘A History of Violence’.

LONG grey hair is never a good look.

TRUST ME ON THIS ONE.

KAZ

ERIC

Once upon a time I had a wondrous cat called Eric. We were together for 15 years - how long is that in cat years?

Men came and went and came back again, but Eric stuck with me. Perhaps he loved me. He certainly loved the King Prawns and fried rice on Friday nights.

Everyone assumed he was named after Eric Clapton.

They were wrong.

Second guesses were those terrific Northern comedians Erics Morecambe and Sykes?

What about Eric the half a bee of Python fame or Eric Idle whose name describes me well.

It was too early for the Erics Bana and Cantona.

There are two classical Erics – Korngold (I saw Liz Hurley take her top off to his aria ("Die tote Stadt") in a film from her pre celeb days) and Eric Satie.

This Eric will act out your mood of choice.

So who was the Eric who inspired my Eric’s name?

No one ever guessed that it was *Wreckless Eric* a name that suited him well.
Wreckless is still around.

‘Whole wide world’ appeared in one of Beth’s lists last year.

KAZ

Damage

And talking of ‘Love at First Sight’, I watched the video (75p from Cancer reasearch) of *Damage* last week.

Synopsis - Jeremy Irons spots Juliette Binoche across a crowded room. They fall in love/lust. But - as she is his son’s fiancée - the result is *Damage* all round.

As the beautiful couple writhed around I couldn’t help wondering what Mrs. Irons (the nice but rather ordinary Sinead Cusack) made of it all.

I mean - for God’s sake - how can they do it?

Surely you can’t have simulation without stimulation.

Eh?

They should have stuck to folk singing.

KAZ

Love??

I bought this book from the cheap bookshop.


The writer is a portrait painter who fell in love with her man ‘across a crowded room’. After studying zillions of photographs she has concluded that there are THREE visual love categories to explain why we fancy someone rotten.

1: HARMONISM. Two people share similar facial proportions. (e.g. Guy and Madge)

2: ECHOISM: Very specific this one. It’s about the echo of shapes of upper eye lid, upper lip line or eyebrow sweep -(e.g Posh and Becks or Brad and Jen ..oops.... here’s my update)

3: PRIMA COPULISM. (No - not first shag - but resemblance to father, mother or - in the case of prince Charles - nanny)

Apparently Camilla is the spitting image of the woman who pushed his pram and changed his nappy.

Just look at the resemblance between Elton’s mum and David Furnish.
If you score in all three of the above categories you have it made.

I’ve always been a sceptic of just about everything. But - I think there’s something in this theory.

For 20 years I have wondered why Kev (6ft, athletic) and Kaz (5ft, pathetic) got together.

Why was I attracted to a bipolar, loud mouthed and (worst of all) folk singing alcoholic?

Now I know. It’s all because of the distance between my nose and upper lip.

Or - more recently - could it be the distance between Spain and Manchester?

KAZ

PLACE your BETS

So who’s going to be prime Minister after the election?

Do you think it'll really be Gordon - or one of the above?

Surely not Ming!

Make sure that bloke with the little doggy doesn’t sneak in.

You can’t solve the world’s problems with a windmill.

KAZ