Single Men

Every weekday morning at precisely 7.15 I hear the noisy whirr of my neighbour's shower. I'm usually awake - but if not it's the perfect alarm call and I can lie in bed and imagine the soapy scene.

He returns from work at 6.30pm. After he closes the door I never hear any music, voices or television.

I wonder about him.

Bill at the end of the corridor goes 'home' to his mum in Burnage for his tea every night - usually carrying a bag of dirty washing.

I like John and Ian

John is a big, handsome lad who drives a macho silver company car. He's done well for himself and could afford a posh house in Alderley Edge.

We chat often. He loves to discuss his career success and his lack of initiative in other areas. Home to this 6 ft 5in giant is a tiny studio flat (bedsit to you and me) from which he only emerges to go to work and play 5 a side on Sunday afternoon.

Ian's the one who leaks into Kev's flat. He's a blonde, good looking hippie with a slight stutter. Mum and Dad are his only visitors. He spends his hols with volunteers cleaning up beaches.


When I moved here to look after mum 9 years ago the place was full of old fogeys with attitude, young couples, raving alcoholics, rowdy Oirish men singing loud into the night and some impecunious upper class twits addicted to gambling.

Not to forget the trumpet player from the Ali orchestra.

You could have written a soap about it.

Gradually they've gone and the sad and serious singletons have taken over.

The girls seem to have a social life but the blokes are lonely ... Any ideas?

KAZ

me me me meme

I was tagged by both Pete and Steve on the same day last week.

Do I look like a natural victim??

Luckily the tasks were very similar - so I'll give you two for the price of one.

Both require six facts about ME.

It seems that Pete's facts should be a bit trivial whereas Steve's should be more of a revelation.

Here goes.... old regular readers may not find anything new. But hey - just humour me please.

1: I passed my driving test in Wigan at the age of seventeen. I was wearing my school uniform.

2: Since a bad bang to the head 12 years ago I have been about 95% anosmic.

3: I have never seen "The Sound of Music". Though I saw Julie Andrews performing at Butlins when I was a kid.

4: I met my ex husband (the jaaaaaaz fan) when I had to teach his science classes on my first teaching practice.He was very keen to help with my experiments.

5: When browsing round Top Shop or River Island I always keep the words 'mutton' and 'lamb' in mind. Even so I have been brave enough to wear leggings again - with boots.

6: These days I find myself lusting after the managers almost as much as the players.


I'd love to tag someone else ... but I won't.
KAZ

Sunshine

Please tell me - why did I watch the third and final episode of 'Sunshine'?

Why on earth did I stick with the most disappointing sentimental schmaltzy slushy series that's been on the beeb for years?

How could I bear to see King Theoden of Rohan (aka Yosser Hughes) reciting those boring war stories to his too good to be true chubby grandson. It made the Werther's Originals advert look edgy.

How could I subject myself to another dose of alleged Courtney Love lover Steve Coogan with his Hollywood teeth and artificial tears?


It was yet another example in my life of 'The Triumph of Hope over Experience'.

I'd rewatched my Early Doors DVD again recently and I still found it wonderful.
Phil and Nige the coppers are still my comic heroes.

I'm very loyal.

I’d forgotten that James McAvoy (now a superstar) was in the first series. He progressed from Early Doors to Shameless as did Maxine Peake who later became Myra Hindley and John Prescott’s girlfriend. And of course our esteemed ex deputy PM was played by the stout landlord who is now advertising our soon to be extinct Post Office.

Tommy in the corner passed through Corrie as Sinbad’s dad before ending up with the only funny part in Sunshine.

The only thing you can say for Sunshine is that it drew attention to gambling addiction which probably destroys as many families as Alcoholism.

But if you live in Stockport what else is there to do?

KAZ

OOps

I always think of myself as quite a techie nerdy sort of person.

Stephen Fry also thinks he's one - in addition to being an illustrious celebrity, author, travel correspondent, raconteur, mental health expert, comedian, presenter and all round good chap and national treasure (did I forget anything)?

Stephen isn't pretty enough so I've posted a pic of Hugh instead.

Anyway, I have one of those external hard drive thingies. On Sunday night I decided to wipe it clean and reorganise the data.

Simple eh?

It only dawned on me very, very slowly ....... that I'd also managed to erase all the documents from my lap top as well


OhNONONONONONONONONONONONONO.........

I had also emptied the Recycle bin.

.....When the red mist had evaporated, I remembered that the police had finally managed to catch the evil Harold Shipman by recovering the deleted documents from his computer.


The following morning, I hotfooted it over to my friendly neighboorhood computer shop who said they'd have a go.

So my laptop is in hospital and I'm using Kev's.


And you may never find out about my trip to Oldham.

KAZ

Advice for Madonna

So - I suppose Madge and Guy will soon be making two other people miserable.

I saw Madonna first in Live Aid and was impressed - her confidence was irresistible and she could sing and dance at the same time.

Then there was her famous appearance at the Haçienda.

You will notice that in 1985 ....

1 She was a bit chubby (in a nice sort of way)

2 Her clothes were a Cyndi Lauper style -a quirky baggy rag bag of an outfit.
i.e. Jumble sale chic.

She looked great.

So why at the age of 50 is she making herself and everyone else miserable by looking like this.


Use your creativity Madge. Cover up that ageing body, relax and look great.

Your fans will still love you even if it‘s too late for Guy - and what had he got to offer anyway?

And you could be the winner of Gok's ‘street style’ competition.

KAZ

Beauty & the Beast.

So I wonder what these two hideous old gits are discussing.

The one on the left had Diane Keaton and Mia Farrow then Soon-Yi Previn (34 years his junior).

The one on the right married the ravishingly voluptuous Marilyn Monroe in 1956.

Explain please ???

And - do you reckon these two might get lucky?


KAZ

Ads 4 Boyz

The ads from the previous decades still give good advice on how to be a success with women.

So look and listen you chaps.

1 Put a Hustle in your Tussle.
I'm not even sure what a tussle is let alone how you put a hustle in it. But it must be good because "it's for the fellow who's on the job early and late - the chap who thinks fast and moves fast - Johnny on the spot".

i.e.The sort of bloke who can destroy an entire banking system and still get a bonus.

2: Rap the Right Rhythm.

A free pair of Raouls to the first reader who can tell me what they cost in new money.

3: Wear self supporting trousers.
OK, they don't look very sexy - but just imagine what you can do with your hands if you don't have to use them to hold your pants up.

4: Buy your sweetheart a waste disposal unit for her birthday.
He does look a bit knackered after being thanked three times a day - but he's obviously very satisfied.

5: Dress up a bit:

Or if all else fails try this :

or this : Good Luck - Let me know how you get on.
KAZ.

Urban Decay

When passing through Debenhams I thought 'This is the cosmetic range for me'.

I'm urban and decaying rapidly.

My friends who turned out for my belated birthday last week are always saying to me 'Kaz - you are so urbane!'

(Ginger wasn't there she's off travelling with her Sikh)

They are right - I live close to the city and love all that it has to offer. You've probably noticed my cultured, suave, debonair attitude - I just can't help it.

But now I feel a bit like Gordon Ramsay when Marcus Wareing stole away his title for best restaurant in London.

Why?

Eileen - my dopey friend - has moved into an apartment smack bang in the city centre. It's just off Deansgate - right behind Kendals.

How did she manage to swap suburban Sale for the sophisticated city? Eileen hasn't even got digital channels on her TV let alone a computer, internet, e mail or mobile phone.

She'd be more at home in East Angular.

She still watches Fern Britton in the mornings and those weepy channel 5 movies in the afternoon. Then she tells me all about them in lengthy intricate detail.

But I still love her - we're going to Oldham next week.
KAZ

Che and Jimi

I saw this poster when driving through Openshaw last week.

(Ed: Openshaw?? What the 'eck were you doing in Openshaw?)

In 1970 I had the biggest bestest Che poster in the world on the wall of my semi in Cheadle Hulme (I didn't tell you about Cheadle Hulme did I?).

And he's still with us.


What makes a great icon?

It isn't necessarily the looks of the person or what they did.

Ernesto 'Che' Rafael Guevara de la Serna was a bit chubby in real life. Is it mainly the skill of the photographer or artist that creates the strong image of the lasting icon?

As well as Jesus - Here's Cher Guevara


And this tee shirt is advertised as 'Jimi looking a bit like Che'.


Jimmi and Twiggy are my favourites.


Every student in Manchester seems to have Jimi on his tee shirt at the moment and a 40 year old pic of Twiggy is on the front of this week's radio Times.

Have you got a favourite icon?

KAZ