The POSH Blog

It all started two years ago when I bought that copy of 'The Tatler' to get the free sunglasses. I blogged about it and overnight I became 'The Posh blog'.

They come round here looking for 'sexy pics of Emma Parker - Bowles', ‘Selina (Slinky) Tollemache naked’, ‘Tesco leather opera gloves’(?) and ‘posh hyphenated names’

The favourite is the ‘Lamborghini Gallardo Spyder’.

This weekend Ian Jack suggested that we may have to get used to it as Londoners could be soon be governed and guided by two old Etonians.

Boris and Dave are good mates who went on from Eton to Oxford where they were both members of the Bullingdon Club ( nos 2 and 8 in the top picture).

To be a member of this exclusive society for young gents you need to be obscenely and filthily rich.

According to the Daily Torygraph ‘The Bullingdon modus operandi is to book a restaurant under a false name, smash it up, and throw large amounts of money at the upset owners’.

Ho Ho Ho - What Larks!

So, if his dreadful prediction comes to pass Ian advises us to go and live in Scotland - which he calls the Canada of Great Britain.
KAZ

Shine a Light.

When I told Kev that I wanted to see 'Shine a light' the Martin Scorsese film about the Rolling Stones he looked at me disapprovingly. He'd seen them three times in 19sixtysomething.

Why did I want to go?

1: It was IMAX which I hadn't seen as the films are usually about cartoon penguins or Superheroes.

2: I'd been slagging off geriatric rockers for so long that I felt I ought to see what I was on about.

Eileen was happy to oblige and pointed out to the young woman taking the money that, although we were claiming our concessions, we were both much younger than Sir Michael Jagger of Dartford.

So?

Keith smiles a lot (probably to hide all his chins) and smokes whilst he sings. I suspect he dyes his head black to match his lovely panda eyeliner.

Mick has a better bum than Kylie and a flatter stomach than D Beckham. His hair is lovely.

Charlie looks like an elderly, dignified jazz fan who has turned up at the wrong gig.

Ron(nie) keeps a low profile. I still expect to see Brian there but not Bill Wyman.

They are skinny, old, grizzled and horribly wrinkly but they seem to love each other and what they do. If you like that sort of thing you'll get your moneysworth.

The high spot was ‘Champagne and reefer’ with Buddy Guy who blew them all off the screen.

The low spot (you won't believe this) was a clip of a 1999 interview with Keith and Ronnie with ...Chris Evans. EEeargh!

I enjoyed the film but I’ll never be an advocate of geriatric rock. I still have the 'Sticky Fingers' album with the real zip on the front but I moved on after that.

Interesting to see whether Madonna can keep going into her sixties. Will a woman be allowed to perform with wrinkly hands and a groovy face?

I doubt it.
KAZ

Hot Pot Salad

So daft Delia has been teaching us how to make a pie from a tin of Pedigree Chum ,desiccated onions and Polyfilla. I have to admire her motives - not the one to get huge amounts of money from Asda for product placement - but her attempt to make cooking quicker and easier for people who can't afford servants.



Though wouldn't it make more sense to just buy a ready meal and pop it in the microwave?




No labradors were hurt in the making of this meal - I hope. Shouts to Murph 'Are you OK?'


Elsewhere, the madness continues. The Yorkshire representative in ‘The Great British Menu’ had 29 ingredients in his starter including duck tongues (oh no my poor little ducks), bee pollen and smoked rhubarb (which he smoked with his own cigar).


The chap from Lancashire made 'Hot Pot salad' as my gran rolled in her grave.


The Grauniad gives us Allegra McGreedy

Recently she chose ‘Spatchcock Poussin, aïoli and capered greens‘.

Which one is the bird, I wondered - the spatchcock or the poussin?
It turns out that poussin is the bird (apparently it’s a Spring Chicken - unlike myself).


Spatchcocking is a skill.



Learn to do it here but make sure the bird is dead before you start.

Beans on toast anyone?

KAZ

THe Measure for MEN.

THE MEASURE (for blokes of a certain age)

I'm assuming that you are pasty faced and will never see 40 again.

With apologies to Weekend Guardian

Going UP

* Insouciance: No - not exactly the Don Johnson look - but something similar. Crumpled, shapeless jacket made of linen or cotton - possibly with jeans and tee shirt.

* Big Coats: You don’t have to be a Lord Mayor - as Ken may soon discover when he has more time to spend with his children.

* Earrings: Daniel has two. But not the suit puleese.

* Muted Colours: Plus a bit of white - better the tee shirt than the hair - but Richard looks great.

* Boring shorts: Not too long like Kevin & Perry and not too short - behave - you'll be wearing a thong next! Oh - and don't keep your tool kit in the pockets.

* Man at H&M: Great gear.

Going DOWN

X Man at C&A: Gone for ever - You will never wear Angelo Litrico again!

X Buttercup yellow, cherry red, strawberry pink, lime green, African violet. Avoid fruit and flowers. Remember that key word 'muted' stick to olive, chocolate, charcoal or even navy.
If you want to play golf - just piss off - NOW!

X Scrawny necks: Yes men have them too - try a casual scarf in a muted colour. Cotton or silk in summer. One of these blokes is a rich spoiled darling of the international jet set. The other is the son of Princess Caroline of Monaco.

X Shirts tucked into jeans: NO no no no - never ever - unless you have a figure like Antony Perkins in 'Psycho'.

X Footy shirts: Especially red ones?

KAZ

BUG??

One night last week Kev donned his black polo neck, false beard and well worn cords (that's a pun?) and set off for the "Willie Nelson Appreciation Society open mic night".

My frenzied anticipation for that perfect Pizza and cold bottle of Sauvignon had been building up all afternoon.

........ Only joking mine's Chilean but this does exist.

So I loaded the DVD ('Devil Wears Prada') and laid out my personal feast on the coffee table.

A few minute's later .. summat's up....

The pizza was untouched and ..... now listen because this is serious .... only one sip was missing from the glass. What could be wrong? I'd been feeling a bit shivery during the day.

During the night I formed a close face to face relationship with the toilet bowl.

The following morning Kev showed concern. I was spoiled. He made cups of tea and said consoling words.

I knew I wasn't better when I found myself watching 'Countdown' in the afternoon.

I haven't seen it since Richard Whiteley were a lad.

I thought Carol Vorderman was supposed to be slim and detoxed these days.

................

The following morning I felt decidedly better.

I was tempted to enjoy being an invalid for another day. But - hey, I couldn't afford the time.

I had a lot of idling to do.

KAZ

Now Then, Now Then.

I found a great site with some old ads. But a few things have changed.

------------------------------------------

THEN:

Soap for 'your precious complexion' at 9d per tablet.

NOW:
It’s compulsory to use deep penetrating, lifting and firming moisturiser with Collagen, Liposomes, Anti ageing serum, pro Retinol, Boswelox, Revitalift, Ceramide and spf 97.

------------------------------------------

THEN:
'An apple a day is the first rule of good health'

NOW:

Cider will guarantee you a seat on the winos’ bench outside Somerfield.

------------------------------------------

THEN:

The Kutnow’s powders ad says ‘Half an hour before breakfast ask your maid to bring you a glass of warm water with about a dessert-spoon full of Kutnow's in it - stir briskly and drink’

NOW:

Sounds just like a laxative to me.
Obviously a favourite with anorexics and bulimics.

------------------------------------------

THEN:
Murphy (an honest chap) likes 'plain speech' not guineas which used to be a trick to make prices sound lower.

NOW:
They never give the price. So you need to shop around on the net for several months.

KAZ

Penis ENVY

Our much respected crown prince is a man of infinite taste and refinement. Chas really hates high buildings that alter the skyline of London.

So - he won't be pleased to know that Richard Rodgers is soon to erect a cheese grater to add to his gherkin. Charles preferred it when he wrote 'The King and I' with Oscar Hammerstein

Manchester is trying to compete. We now have The Beetham Tower.

It is home to the Manchester Hilton - they asked Paris to open it, but had to settle for Max Beesley.

Here is a pic I took last night as I drove home through Openshaw. You get a similar view from Rusholme and every approach to the city.

You can tell it wasn't designed by a woman can't you?

The architect (Ian Simpson) obviously has a very small penis.

Ian lives in an apartment at the top - the highest living space in UK. You can see Blackpool Tower from his penthouse. It'd be a lot quicker to drive to Blackpool, but Ian probably wouldn't like mixing with the day trippers .

The building whistles during windy weather (262 Hertz - middle C) which can be a nuisance as Coronation Street is filmed nearby. The producers had to introduce extra background noise - e.g. another fight between Gail and Eileen - to cover this up.

But that's OK for the residents of Hulme and Whalley Range because the tower has seriously interfered with their TV reception anyway.

So ... do you agree with our esteemed Prince - or what?

KAZ

Unscrewing

As you know, I'm an old skool feminist - so I hate acting like a weak woman who needs to ask a man to do something for me.

However, I am a (very) weak woman .

But I usually manage OK with my power drill and my power screwdriver and this tool for opening jars and bottles that I found on Stockport Market.

Paying money to a handyman for a specialist job is OK - so there's Roy for electrics and Eugene (yes Eugene) for the plumbing.But I still can't cope with this.....
.... it's not really a question of strength - perhaps it's just girly ineptitude - but I still can't get the bloody top off.

So, how about this for a solution?

When he's leaving my flat this evening I'll say "Oh Kev, can you just clean the bog on your way out ....please".

Good eh?

KAZ

Rock 'n Roll Gal

Although I fear the tag - I'll do this one from Diddums because it's only *6 words which describe my life*. How about?

Rocked Rolled Ranted Reacted - Retired Relaxed ...

I was always a sucker for alliteration.....

..and talking of Rock 'n Roll - my earliest experience was under the bedclothes with Jimmy Saville - on Radio Luxembourg.

We had The Everly Bros, Roy Orbison, Rick Nelson, Brenda Lee, Conway Twitty and - of course - Elvis. I fell in love with Don Everly when I saw his photo in the NME.

A few years later I ditched Don for George Harrison.

The Beatles and the Stones introduced us to the black blues artists who inspired them. So I lusted after George, but I listened to Muddy Waters, the Marvelettes, the Isley brothers, Rufus Thomas and John Lee Hooker. These were the names engraved on my school pencil case.

The first request I had played on the radio was 'Get out my Life Woman ' by Lee Dorsey.

Stax , Atlantic and Motown were the labels and Otis, Aretha, Wilson, Martha, Marvin, Sam and Dave were the artists. The Temptations are still my greatest guilty pleasure.

So I was very interested in the remarks made by Estelle this weekend about the difficulty that black soul singers have in getting a break in UK.

OK - so Duffy is a bit better looking than Rufus Thomas - but good for Estelle - it needed saying!
KAZ