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6 whole weeks in ‘Sunny Spain’!

I know I know - but your day will come.

However, although I wouldn’t admit this to just anyone - between you and me, and although it was good - I’m glad to be home.

WHY? Well I wasn’t exactly homesick or bored - just a bit of both.

What did I miss? Waterstones, Eileen, Barbara, my wok , Corrie, Primark, Earl Grey - none of them really. I missed the package of Kaz’s not very thrilling life in the rather damp North West of England.

The whole is greater than the sum of the parts. Trust me - I did A level maths.

The life of Costa couples is not for me. Last year I visited a mate in Costa del Sol in the south. I hardly heard any language other than English and most of the residents would make Victor Meldrew look like a cool dude.

The place Kev and I visit in Catalunya is great for birdwatching (too hot this year) and has very few English (nice, but I miss a good natter).

Kev starts drinking at lunch time and stops …… well he doesn’t really stop.

The World cup, Tour de France, Freecell and the blog (via Telefonica dial up) saved me.

Thankyou so much for your comments.
Please don’t stop now I’m back.
KAZ

BOG STANDARD

Last visit to France yesterday. It’s only a short drive up t’road and yet - as soon as you cross the border - you know it’s totally different from Spain.

How can you tell that you are in France? There’s the neat little villages with ‘over the top’ municipal flowers and the sexy language which involves moving your mouth into seductive pouts even if you are a disgustingly ancient pig farmer.

You find pavement cafes with indifferent service where rare and possibly extinct tracks by Peter Tosh or John Lee Hooker are playing. Then there’s the boulangerie where you buy a baguette that’s stale before you get it home and the person who serves you says ‘Au revoir m’d’m’m’sieu’ as though she’s talking to a two headed person.

You could weep when you see the slim women in tight coordinated outfits and the blokes with dark glasses and crumpled jackets looking so stylish and desirable.

But the picture above sums up what it really means to be French. After lunch in a rather posh restaurant in Amelie les Bains I sought out the ‘ladies’. That’s where I took the photo.

You would not see this nostalgic sight in Spain with their perfect ceramics and faultless instal.lacions (Catalan for installations).

French women, high heels, tight skirts …strong bladders.
KAZ

It's a SIGN!!

This is a ‘Ronseal’ road sign. It means exactly what it says on the ..........

I bet you didn’t know you could speak Catalan did you?

Thing is - the sign has been there for years and it’s still in very ‘bon estat’ so it makes you think that the paviment will stay in ‘mal estat’ for some time yet.

Hope the estat you are in is better than this.

Bona Nit

KAZ

TOUR de FRANCE

Floyd Landis has done well, but I can never fully celebrate when an American wins the tour de France - especially a Mick Hucknell look-alike.

I never warmed to Lance Armstrong, though he must have been a wonderful inspiration to cancer sufferers. Floyd seems like a nice boy - but I’m an inhabitant of Spain at the moment - so Sastre and Periero were my chosen ones.

I’ve followed ‘le tour’ for years and I can even say Djamolidine Abdoujaparov.

But no one was really the favourite in this year’s tour as Jan Ullrich and co were disqualified.

My favourite of recent years has been the gorgeous Richard Virenque who wore the stylish polka dot jersey 7 times for ‘King of the Mountains’. I love this jersey, which is sponsored by the French supermarket appropriately named ‘Champion’. It is in the process of being taken over by ‘Carrefour’ which hasn’t got the same ring to it.

The green (points) jersey is sponsored by PMU - the French equivalent of the ‘British Legion’. The lovely Aussie Robbie McEwan (sprinter) didn’t let us down here.

In the sort of weather when most of us haven’t the energy to lift a gin and tonic to our parched lips, the riders show courage, colours, endurance and shapely buttocks.

The event must have been designed by a sadist.

Vive le Tour!
KAZ

HABS

WAGS have all gone home.

SWAGS have gone home too (see above gathering of G8 Summit Wives and Girlfriends). They lined up happily in Leningrad /St Petersburg for the photo. Bet you haven’t seen trizersuits and two pieces like that since C&A closed down.

But what about HABS (husbands and boyfriends)?

Angela is an unusual name for a German Chancellor. Ms. Merkel’s husband Joachim Sauer (Chemistry Professor) defiantly stayed at home. He agreed to be interviewed on any topic as long as it was Quantum chemistry.

Dennis Thatcher is not his role model.

So how do women cope without their very own H or B to follow them around and pose for photo opportunities?

Some are gay (Navratilova, Mauresmo). Some have a consort manager like the recently impregnated Paula Radcliffe. Kelly Holmes seems to be superbly single.

‘Sauer’ means 'acid' in German - great name for a Chemist eh ?
KAZ

These WE have LOVED

I found a little dog-eared ’Book of Lists’ on a Spanish market on Saturday. It was compiled in 1981 by Hunter Davies, biographer of the Beatles and (soon) Wayne Rooney.

SL was only 5 years old in 1981. I know that because it’s his 30th birthday today!

So - which living person did young people like SL admire the most in 1981? Answer: That lovely brunette - Kevin Keegan …obvious really - we should have known. Cliff Richard was at no 3 - that was before he starred at Wimbledon.

The book is aimed at young people, so what about best selling toys? Space Invaders is top (we are informed that this is an ‘electronic game’) and Disco Skates at no8 - Groovy.

When asked what they would like to be ‘when they grew up’ - Policeman/woman was favourite. After nurse and professional footballer came teacher. Wow things do change in 25 years. By a strange coincidence, ‘Police’ also came top in the favourite pop star list. Kate Bush and Showaddywaddy were at no9. Now there’s a mind-boggling combination. I presume it was a tie - like Kelly Marie and the Boomtown Rats at no 7.

Richmond upon Thames (I think that’s dahn sahf) sent most persons to Uni (16.5% of population). Stockport came 5th …what?? The residents must have been so bored that revision seemed like fun. Manchester was near the bottom, which proves my point.

Favourite food was Fish and chips (pre McDonalds?)

New words in the Oxford English Dictionary included Ayatollah, Skateboard and Punk rock.

There were 35 TVs per 1000 of the population.

Eton was top school for getting chaps into Oxford and Cambridge - no surprise.

Oh and in the list of football teams to be in the cup final more than 3 times who should tie with Liverpool (6) but that well known footie team ‘Old Etonians’ - now that is a surprise.

I get a bit bored on hol - this kept me entertained for a few mins.
You too I hope
KAZ

Stick in the MUD

I visited Spinsterella yesterday. Afterwards I felt a bit jealous and rather sad.
Why? Because she was off to a Festival in Suffolk.
I don’t think I’ll be going to a Festival soon .... or ever again for that matter. I read recently that The Roskilde Festival near Copenhagen is free to over 60s on Sunday. I’d like to see Morrisey, Arctic Monkeys and Dylan, but I can’t be arsed to go to Denmark or even Stockport for that matter.

And who wants to go to a Festival with a load of pensioners anyway?

So when did I go to my last festival? I think it was Led Zep at Knebworth, unless you count the camping trip to Italy to visit the Opera festivals or a few gigs at Platt Fields.

It’s making me feel a bit past it. I get around a lot but I’m usually home for teatime, and on most evenings a bottle of cold Sauvignon seems more attractive than the pub.

I guess I’ve become a bit unadventurous - I do not ‘boldly go’ or ‘Touch the Void’. I am not intrepid or venturesome. It used to be ‘have tent will travel’. Now it’s the same apartment in Spain every time.

Spinsterella entertains us by discussing her singleton status. I know having a partner/ lover/husband/ boyfriend can be great when it works out. But it’s recognized that single women are fitter and slimmer as well as more enterprising.

Kathryn Whitehorn wrote about suddenly being single after a long marriage. She said ‘I’ve got loads of friends to do something with - but no one to do nothing with.’

That’s part of the problem - I’m doing nothing!
Someone get me out of this rut!
KAZ

BLONDE or BRUNETTE?

I hear that Scarlett (or is it Charlize?) has gone non - blonde and Britney is now a brunette. They aren’t the first. Madonna did it a couple of times and even Paula Yates went dark for about 5 minutes

It is said that they do it for artistic credibility or intellectual recognition. NO WAY! They do it to get another photo in Heat, Now, Closer or Woman’s Weekly. Another reason for the colour change is that bleach strips the life out of your hair whereas darker dyes actually ‘coat’ it and improve the condition. Lesley, who used to be a hairdresser, told me this. ‘Educating Rita’ could have been based on her life.

I was born brunette and have never wished to be blonde or anything else.
But, a couple of years ago, I couldn’t keep up with the roots - so I had blonde ‘highlights’. Everyone was ecstatic about my new look.

Strangers are noticeably nicer to me now. My mates have copied the style and thanked ME.

So do you prefer blondes or brunettes? It isn’t a male/female divide. Lesley admires blondes, Eileen and I prefer brunettes.

I’m talking about real ravishing brunettes like Audrey Hepburn, Natalie Wood and Amanda Barrie. The best brunettes set the screen on fire like Liz Taylor in ‘Cat on a Hot Tin Roof’. Vivien Leigh, Jean Simmonds and Sophia Loren will be smouldering on the small screen for ever and ever.

Now we have Haille Berry, Natalie Imbruglia, Juliette Binoche, Audrey Tatou, Thandie Newton and Marisa Tomei.

Do you remember Corrie’s Karen McDonald? She couldn’t have terrorised and captivated Steve if she’d had blonde hair.

I was going to add a list of (non smouldering) blondes, but I’ll leave it to you.
KAZ

Zinédine Zidane.

I am passionately in love with Zinédine Zidane.

I know I know - I’m old enough to know better. I’m sorry. And I’ve never fancied blokes sans hair before.

But he is magnificent. Even Chirac ('You are a virtuoso, a genius of world football. You are also a man of heart, of commitment, of conviction, and that's why France admires and loves you.") and the French nation agrees.

He is the antithesis of the new labour MPs who follow the whips and forget their convictions. He is the antidote to the Notts miners who took the money and voted to close the pits. He is ruled by his heart and not his head.

The disgusting Materazzi (ex Everton so I’m in big trouble) said whatever he said and Zidane acted - he didn’t think of the sponsors or the pics in the tomorrow’s papers of himself holding up the cup.

He went with his gut.

I love him more than Elvis, Robert Plant. Ronnie Clayton, Jimi Hendrix or the Gallaghers.

He is my hero.
KAZ

UPDATE - Madonna and Joanne

The arms of Madonna
I made a snide comment about Madonna always wearing long sleeves. Apparently, others have commented about her wrinkly hands.
This made me feel guilty. It would have been perfectly OK for me to carry on boring my students to death for as long I wanted to. But Madge, Kylie etc. must bow out in their prime unless they continue to look like a babe.

Michelle Hanson has 3 helpful suggestions to avoid submitting your hands to botox
1 Hold them in the air for a bit and veins disappear - this works - I’ve been doing it for years.
2 Sit on them
3 Wear gloves

Joanna Lumley.
I couldn’t understand why so many searches for ‘Joanne’ Lumley were finding their way to my blog. Even yesterday (3 months after the post) 4 Joanne searches were reported. OK, I accept that I couldn’t spell Mick Hucknell or Caroline O’Hearne, but I knew it was Joanna.

Research confirmed it is Wyndham who must be thanked for doubling my hits. His pithy comment had referred to ‘Joanne’.

Footie of yesteryear.
As a Blackburn Rovers supporter in the sixties I worshipped my blue and white heroes. I once met Derek Dougan at a Blackburn Rovers supporters’ club dance in Chorley Town Hall.

I cherished the moment … until last week when I was told that he had appeared on Question Time representing UKIP.

No more Heroes.
KAZ

Back to the Future

I’ll get round to the footie - so bear with me ….
Early this morning we set off for Figueras (nearest town) to find a flea market, which was cancelled. So we went to ‘Dalicatessen’ (geddit) near the Museo Dali. They live and breathe Dali round these parts.

Catalan Marti is the owner and he was only too happy to josh about football. He then told us that it was the first day of the sales in town so we went to ‘Mango’ where I found a retail antidepressant i.e. 5 tops for less than 25€.

So - we all hate penalty shoot-outs. But my experience was worse than yours. WHY?
Yesterday (Saturday) afternoon we got back to the apartement and what did we see hanging from the balcony above us?

A huge Portuguese flag.

OK it was supposed to be a joke from a German *chum* .. But we all know that Germans have no sense of humour don’t we??

It had slowly dawned on me that Sexta (channel 6) is only permitted to show some matches by starting very late. The pay channels start on time. Kev couldn’t cope with this, so he went to bar Carmen on the corner. I sat alone and anxious and waited for it to start. Kev rang to say it was nil nil. So I said ‘either come ‘home’ or stay out’. After another call he decided to stay out. So - there I was alone for the entire match and 45 minutes behind the rest of the world.

When you knew the outcome I was doing my old aerobic routines to discharge the tension during the penalty shoot out. I was also shocking myself with the language I used when shouting abuse at players whose names ended in ‘ard’.

By the end it was nearly 9pm (Spanish time).

I felt like an elderly Billie Piper - a sad and solitary little time traveller.

Kev came home at midnight, sat down and fell asleep i.e. passed out.

When we got back from Figueras today - the Portuguese flag was still there. Very amusing - how I laughed.

Reasons to be cheerful: Thierry’s goal and Le Tour has started.
KAZ (Le plus jeune Pensionnaire.)