Pros and cons

I’ve been thinking I saw Tom Robinson on Channel 5 in that 70’s programme. He said that there has never been a better time to live than now. I don’t know whether he’s right or not. By the way shouldn’t he bring out a new single ‘Sing if you used to be gay’? A few thoughts passed through my head. We used to have Concorde and now we haven’t. I can go into Manchester and buy a warm, fashionable winter coat for less than £15. Big brother is always watching and monitoring me. I can fly to Spain for less than it costs to go to London. Wheelchair users can zoom round Tesco and lots of other places. At the weekend we saw a ‘do it yourself kit’ for filling teeth for those who can’t find a dentist. Market St in town has lots of empty stores. My local shops consist of 6 Indian takeaways in a row with Natalie the hairdresser in the middle. If I go into hospital for a minor operation there’s a chance I might catch MRSA and not survive. I am still astonished at how fabulous the INTERNET is and how much I love it My student neighbours are broke, tired, overworked and stressed out. I had a grant and a social life. I’m not coming to conclusions. I don’t even want to. I’m one of the lucky ones with a pension and good health. I’ve lots to look back on and lots to look forward to. KAZ

GINGER

I’m not allowed to say ‘Ginger’.

Kev even looks suspicious when it’s uttered to describe a biscuit. He prefers auburn, red, chestnut, russet or, best of all ‘titian’. Suppose it’s something to do with a bad childhood experience.

I have to admit that Mick Hucknell, Chris Evans and Les Battersby don’t do much for the image. We all love Chesney, but I can’t see him growing up into a sex symbol.

So it’s good to see this group of hunks with colourful hair in a recent girly magazine. Some of them are nearly as sexy as Kev. It’s OK he doesn’t know about the blog

Maybe they’ll remake the Van Gogh story. Kirk Douglas must have been glad he was ginger (ooops) when he landed that role.

Last week the news confirmed that the ‘ginger gene’ MC1R makes redheads more susceptible to pain (I suppose that’s physical rather than emotional). Apparently, our auburn friends need 20% more anaesthetic than the rest of us.

This I can confirm. Kev’s extra dose is a litre of Bulgarian Pinot Noir or a couple of pints of Stella.
KAZ

MINIMALIST MUM

Mum died four years ago.

She left two videos :Tony Benn - ‘Speaking up in Parliament’… and ‘Pingu - the photographer’. Two of her all time heroes.

To complete her audio visual collection there was an Elton John picture disc, a Mozart CD and a Bowie single.

A brown envelope labelled ‘Sentiment’ contained a few photos and newspaper clippings. There was a black folder containing birth and death certificates and a largish box of estate agents’ adverts for local houses. This was her hobby.

At a time when my friends and I were into Victoriana, Country style and kitsch, mum had a black shelving unit, 2 leather chairs and a TV. There was a Kandinsky print on the wall.

She had a wicked sense of humour, loved her food and was thin as a rake.

She’s a very hard act to follow.
KAZ

CARRY ON ALMA

We emerged from the pub on Saturday lunchtime fuelled by the exhilaration of Everton’s magnificent triumph
Everton 4 Aston Villa 1

To celebrate further, we visited the Cancer Research shop across the road where Kev showed interest in the video of ‘Carry on Cleo’ circa 1963.

I did not object to this purchase for 3 good reasons:

1: It was for Charity
2: It cost 50p
3: I remembered that Cleo was played by Amanda Barrie a.k.a. Alma from Coronation Street, born and raised in Ashton under Lyne.

It was a bit of a come down from being ‘Queen of the Nile’ to running the corner café, especially as she had to spend all day with Gail.

I can’t remember what it was called before Roy’s Rolls.

The credits roll telling us that the film is ‘based on an idea by William Shakespeare’.

The first line from the magnificent Kenneth Williams is predictably ‘Oh I do feel queer’. You have to wait for the famous ‘Infamy, Infamy, they’ve all got it in for me’! As mighty Caesar of the Roman Empire he could not be improved upon, even in ‘Life of Brian’.

‘Carry on Cleo’ is profoundly sexist of course but the blokes are so useless it doesn’t seem to matter. Sheila Hancock was there as Senna the wife of Mr Pod … a role she’d doubtless rather forget.

Alma has eyes like saucers. I’ve always adored her. Eileen and I once saw her all alone on the back seat of the Odeon on Oxford road.

Mercifully the film was Barbara Windsor free and I watched it right to the end.

I thought I hated ‘Carry on’ Films. Have they improved with age or have I done the opposite?

KAZ

Alone

In the immortal words of Eric Carmen, I like to be ‘All By Myself’. Even though he didn’t.

When I first stopped work, I thought I’d miss the students and colleagues so I made a big effort to be sociable. Remember Barbara (friend who doesn’t work). Actually she’s broken her ankle and I popped round with some raspberries, double cream and chocolate.

It’s the making of arrangements that’s such a pain. Eileen won’t have a mobile and Barbara keeps changing her mind.

On Friday it stopped raining so I went for a walk. I watched a large flock of redwings and fieldfares on their way north for summer. They land in a tree. Then a few move on. The rest look as though they’re not bothered but eventually join them. Peer pressure.

Now Barbara would have carried on walking and Eileen would have carried on talking.
Kev’s OK but he’s at work and would probably have insisted that they were green striped American fieldfares and must be reported to the RSPB immediately. Later (in addition to the usual suspects) I saw a siskin, a brambling and both types of thrush.

On the way back I crossed the stream, hoping to see a dipper and there, just as the sun came out, was a stunning pair of goosanders. I watched them dive and swim about for ages …just the three of us.

Is it normal to be a loner? Is it because I’m an only child?
Do you think I’ll grow up to be a serial killer?
KAZ

PERMALINK

Once upon a time I had a perm. The next morning I went to a meeting with the principal and esteemed colleagues and nobody recognised me! That’s what a perm can do to you.

Anyway it’s Happy Birthday to the perm who is 100 today

I loved the COMMENTS at the BOTTOM of this one. Catch it HERE before it disappears.
KAZ

KAZ's BIG DAY OUT

I’m a bit of a pseud when it comes to ‘ART’. You know the sort of thing - open minded, visually aware, good eye. It helps if it’s big. At least that tells me that the artist showed commitment and must have shelled out quite a bit of dosh for the canvas and paint.

Anyway, last Thursday I saw this advert for a Saatchi exhibition at LEEDS ART Gallery. Only 3 days left, so I decided to pay it a visit.

Didn’t invite Barbara or Eileen. They’d say things like ‘I could do that’ and I’d say ‘So why didn’t you?’ etc.etc. Anyway Barbara’s broken her ankle and Eileen’s babysitting the grandchild.

So Kaz set off alone on her expedition by TRAIN.

I love the train especially the ride through the pennines and the Yorkshire towns which are stone not brick like ours.

The Art gallery was disappointingly small and the sculpture bit was closed so I only got to see one Henry Moore. Wonderful! Small breasts and massive hips brazenly reclining in the middle of the pre Raphaelites.
But the exhibition was a bit disappointing. Perhaps that’s why Saatchi sent it to Yorkshire. I traipsed round wishing I’d gone to the loo first.

The floor was strewn with schoolgirls. It reminded me why Kev likes being a supply teacher. They were sketching away purposefully with a pencil. Strange because most of the paintings were daubs, splashes and collage. Still it gave the teacher some time to herself.

One painting (above) really drew a total blank. It was sludgy green and very small (30cmX50cm) not much bigger than a sheet of A4. Apparently it is ... ‘an image of rafters rendered as contradiction, conveying a duplicity of illusion…. indifference and anxiety towards the subject are keynotes in the painting’.
Oh - I see - well actually I’m pretty indifferent too when it comes to rafters.

It was pouring with rain. I wandered aimlessly round the shops and bought a colourful stripey hat for £2 in New Look. I remembered they had a Wetherspoons on Leeds station so I called in for a glass of house Chardonnay and a prawn mayo on a poppy seed bloomer. The atmosphere was very lively for lunchtime, much shouting, smoking and drowning of pints. I sat reading the paper and taking it all in.

Sorry, but Leeds isn’t a patch on Manchester (apart from their PRIMARK which is quite classy) so I was home for four.

Enough excitement for one day now I’m a pensioner.

KAZ

FAMOUS for 15 seconds

So I was scrolling down my blog yesterday feeling green with envy ‘cos Betty had 9 witty comments before breakfast. Suddenly my eye fell on a single lonely ‘comment’. Not on a recent post but on one from over a month ago.

This is how it went .......Only way to make contact/found your blog via Guardian/working on a pilot for a new TV show/would you like to contribute?
I checked out the TV company on Google and they’d produced some decent programmes. I got quite excited. My imagination went into overdrive…Would I be writing scripts? Would youngest pensioner blog get an honourable mention in the credits? Would I get a free trip to London to discuss my inspired ideas?

What next? Revolutionary new story line for Corrie (Ken has sex with Deirdre!). Perhaps a flight to New York to write that elusive follow up to Friends (Friends Reinvented?).

So I e mailed for more info.

The enthusiastic reply arrived. We’d so love to have you on board. It’s a reality TV show with a difference called ‘Watching You’. It sounds as though you have such an amusing life. We only use a camera in one of your rooms, It’s not the intrusive sort of reality TV that makes people look stupid.

And most telling of all … We need people of all ages!

Actually he sounded quite nice.
But I don’t think I’m ready to be Chantelle’s Granny?

KAZ

OLD GITS who won't give up!

Does anyone remember Parkinson when he had lots of really deep wrinkles? He was dead sexy then. Now he’s botoxed and face lifted and has a new pal called Tony.
Ho Ho Tony … what a wit you are. Don’t worry you’re quite safe from difficult questions on my show. Poor old Kevin Spacey.

Then there’s John Nettles, Cilla, Mick Jagger, Cliff Richard and Gloria Hunneford (Count the adverts). OK I know they can’t all do a Diana or a James Dean, but they could stop at home.

Do they need the dosh like the poor old bloke who works in Sainsbury’s near me?

Some old celebrity gits are OK. Eric Sykes is old, deaf and blind, but he’s still funny.
Albert Finney, Shirley Bassey and Vera Duckworth can still cut the mustard.
Judi Dench is so dignified and Nancy Banks Smith is so funny.

Someone said Brucie had cult (?) status. But does he have to have it on my telly?
Who else?
KAZ

WHAT MAKES ME LAUGH?

Linda Smith made me laugh. She had that rare talent of being very funny, but modest and self-effacing at the same time.
Paul Merton has it too - on a good day.

What else makes me laugh?

Not ‘Little Britain’ but I’ve taught so many Vicki Pollards that she can raise a chuckle of recognition.

Victoria Wood’s stand up is funny and I loved Dinner Ladies. It’s the cast of Corrie in overalls. Which reminds me of the Julie Walters character of the same name. But Julie’s best moment was the ‘two soups’ scene. I can’t type that without a giggle.

When Kev and I are really bored we play ’History today’ . I liked the way Newman and Baddiel did it with such a straight face.

But undoubtedly top of my comedy list is ‘Early Doors’. Craig Cash is a great writer and performer. And he’s managed all this in spite of coming from Stockport.

Let’s have another series.
KAZ

DUMB and DUMBER

Lesley and I usually meet up for a (very) early drink on Monday evenings. We leave before 8 to watch University challenge. Our blokes are both ‘know it all, smart arse, quiz type bores’.

Actually I don’t. I sneak away to watch Corrie part 2. Don’t tell Lesley.

This Monday I made an exception. Kev was shouting out all the answers as usual and I was fulfilling the expected role of saying ‘Ooo well done’ at regular intervals. Me? I didn’t even get the Chemistry question right. It would be good if Kev won some money for it from e.g. Chris Tarrant. All he earns are lager vouchers at the pub on Tuesday nights.

Tuesday morning there was an e mail from Lesley. ‘We got 29 and I got 10 of those’. She suggested we keep score and compare every week. Oh yeah? What a brilliant idea!

Why do I know absolutely nothing when the pimply youths on telly are buzzing away, conferring frantically and getting it all right?

Do I care that I’m so useless at general knowledge?
YES I Do, but I hide it well.

Perhaps I know a bit about ‘life’
KAZ